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1. Manna issue 56 - He Is My Lord Though I Have not Known Him 祂是我的主，雖然我並不認識祂


He Is My Lord Though I Have not Known Him
How I found my way back to my heavenly Father.

祂是我的主，雖然我並不認識祂，
我如何找到自已的道路回歸天父。


Jennifer Chen—Montreal, Canada 加拿大蒙特婁


“Fear not, for I have redeemed you,
I have called you by your name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
…when you pass through the fire,
you shall not be burned
…For I am the Lord your God
…you [are] precious in my eyes.”
(Isa 43:1-4)

“1你不要害怕！因為我救贖了你。
我曾提你的名召你，你是屬我的。
2你從水中經過，我必與你同在；
...你從火中行過，必不被燒，
3因為我是耶和華─你的神，
4因我看你為寶為尊。”
（賽 43：1-4）


I’m very blessed to have been born into a family
that believes in the True Jesus Church.
I didn’t fully realize this blessing until much later in life
and perhaps still don’t remember it as often as I should.

我很蒙福早就出生在一個家庭，
我們信仰真耶穌教會。
直到很久以後，我都沒有完全了解這個生命的福氣，
或許我仍沒有像自已該作的時常記住它。


As a little girl,
I did not really feel different from the other kids.
I led a simple and happy life in Taiwan
and was carefree every day
—going to school, doing my homework, watching television,
and playing with my friends.

作為小女孩，
我並不真覺得與其他孩子有什麼不同。
我在台灣過著簡單快樂的生活，
每天都無憂無慮，
—上學，做功課，看電視，
和朋友玩耍。


Every Saturday, I would go to church with my parents, brother, and grandparents.
But besides Religious Education (RE) class,
I never opened the Bible.
I prayed very little, usually just before meals and bed time.
God was someone mysterious and abstract
—I knew He provided everything,
but the love I received from my family satisfied me,
so I didn’t think much about His love.

每週星期六，我會與父母，哥哥，祖父母去教會。
但除了宗教課程，
我從不翻開聖經。
我很少禱告，通常只在飯前和睡前禱告。
神是某個神秘而抽象的存在
—我知道祂預備一切，
但從我家人那裡得到的疼愛已經滿足我了，
所以我從未去深入思考祂的慈愛。


My family was very busy with their work,
so we didn’t really have a life of faith at home;
we didn’t really discuss our faith openly,
even though it was always present as a fact.

我家人各自工作很忙，
所以我們在家並沒有真有信仰生活；
我們並沒有公開談論自已的信仰，
儘管信仰一直存在是一種事實。


ADJUSTING TO A NEW LIFE 調適新生活


After many years of waiting
our immigration application to Canada was approved in January 1993.
Within twenty days, we packed all of our belongings,
completed all the immigration procedures,
and said goodbye to family and friends.

經過多年的等待，
我們加拿大的移民申請於 1993 年 1 月獲准。
在二十天內，我們收拾好所有自已的行李，
完成所有的移民手續，
並與家人及朋友告別。


When we arrived in Montreal,
it was the middle of winter,
and the snow was so deep
it covered most of the front door of our house.
I had never experienced anything like that before.

我們抵達蒙特婁時，
正值隆冬，
積雪很厚，
雪幾乎覆蓋了我們屋子的前門。
我以前從未體驗過任何那樣的景像。


The weather wasn’t the only thing to get used to
—I was really in awe
of the culture and the different things I saw in a new country.
In the midst of all the hardships and adjustments that I had to face,
not having the close-knit family network we had in Taiwan was the most difficult.

需要適應的不僅是天氣，
—我真的很震驚，
看見在一個新國家的文化和各種事物。
我必須面對所有的困難和適應過程中，
最困難的是失去了台灣曾有的緊密家庭連結。


However, in Canada my parents were not busy with their work anymore.
And because of the change of lifestyle,
we began to have more family sharing time.
The four of us gradually built up a tighter spiritual bond
and started to rely on God more together.
For the first time,
we started to read the Bible as a family.
I believe that immigrating to Canada brought us closer to each other and to God.

然而，在加拿大我父母不再像以前忙於他們的工作。
由於生活方式的改變，
我們開始有更多的家人相處時間。
我們四個人逐漸建立起更緊密的屬靈聯繫，
並開始一起更加依靠神。
第一次，
我們開始全家一起讀聖經。
我相信，移民加拿大使我們彼此更親近，也與神更親近。


FINDING MY IDENTITY 尋找自我


When I entered secondary school,
work became harder and social life more complex.
I often felt that there were two different worlds,
one at home and one outside,
and I did not know to which I belonged.
My friends at school did not have a similar background,
so I kept many troubles and thoughts to myself.
But in my heart, I longed for close friends who would really understand me.

進入中學時，
學習變得很難，而社交生活也更複雜。
我常常覺得，有兩個截然不同的世界
一個在家，一個是外面的世界，
我不知道自己究竟屬於哪個世界。
我學校的朋友並沒有一種相同的背景，
所以我把許多煩惱和想法都藏在心裡。
但在我內心深處，我渴望擁有密友，可以真正了解我。


God must have heard my thoughts
because starting from 1997,
He brought sisters from different places of the world to Montreal to study.
They were like my older sisters and spiritual friends.
Those were probably the most fulfilling years of my teens,
because I finally had a group of people
with whom I could share laughter and tears, and not just superficially.
It was also the first time
that I had companions with whom to pray and discuss God.
We attended different church seminars together in Toronto and in the US,
where I continued to make many new church friends.

神一定聽到了我的想法，
因為從 1997 年開始，
祂帶來自世界各地的姐妹來到蒙特婁學習。
她們就像我姊和屬靈朋友。
那些年可能就是我青少年最充實的時光，
因為我終於有一群人，
與他們在一起，我們可一起歡笑，一起流淚，而不只是表面交流。
那也是我第一次，
有了很多同伴可以與他們來禱告，探討神。
我們一起參加了多倫多和美國的各種教會講習會，
在那裡，我繼續認識許多新的教會朋友。


By this time, there were enough youths in Montreal to hold a youth class.
Gradually, more and more responsibilities were given to us.
But after a few years, right before I entered university,
these sisters finished their studies and, one after another, left.
Their assignments were distributed among the few youths who remained.
Almost every youth had to multi-task
—for example, being a hymn leader, interpreter,
and RE teacher all on the same Sabbath.

在此時，蒙特婁有足夠的青年，可以組一個青年班。
漸漸的，越來越多的責任正交給我們。
但幾年後，就在我即將進入大學前，
這些姐妹完成了他們的學業，一個接一個離開了。
她們的任務被分配給少數留下來的青年。
幾乎每個青年都身兼數職，
例如，既要領詩，又要翻譯，
還是教宗教育老師，全在同一個安息日。


FROM HOT FAITH TO LUKEWARM 從熱心信仰到冷淡


In the summer of 2000, before I started university,
I attended the National Youth Theological Seminar (NYTS)
in the US for the first time.
Two weeks of cultivation and fellowship sharpened my spiritual awareness
and opened up my heart of servitude.
I was very touched by the members’ love as well as God’s love.

2000 年夏天，在我上大學之前，
我參加全國青年神訓班（NYTS）。
第一次去美國，
兩週的靈修和團契提高了我屬靈的覺醒，
也開啟了我服事的心。
我因為契員們的愛心及神的慈愛而深深感動。


I realized that faith isn’t only something to hold on to.
It wasn’t enough just to receive the faith that my family passed down to me
or to only rely on church friends to lead me.
I realized that I had to work on my own faith and make it grow.
I started to read the Bible and pray more regularly.

我明白了信仰不僅是需要緊緊抓住的東西。
只是接受家族傳承下來給我的信仰是不夠的，
或僅是依靠教會朋友的引導我。
我已明白，自已必須努力培養自己的信仰，讓它成長。
我開始讀經，並更規律的禱告。


When I went back to Montreal,
my enthusiasm for church work lasted for a while.
But I was doing it from the wrong source of strength.
I carried my load of church work only on my shoulders and not in my heart.
So whenever I went to church I felt very tired.

當我回到蒙特婁時，
我熱心教會工作持續了一段時間。
但我卻用錯力量的來源來進行。
我只擔負教會事工的重擔在肩上，而不是放在心裡。
所以每次去教會，我都覺得非常疲倦。


From the outcome,
it seemed like I did all of my jobs well,
but deep inside, I knew that I did not.
I felt no rest at the end of every Sabbath day.
My Bible reading and prayers gradually died down.

從結果來看，
似乎我把所有的工作都做得很好，
但內心深處，我知道自已並非如此。
我覺得每個安息日結束都沒有安息。
我的讀經與禱告也逐漸減少。


FEELING LOST IN LIFE AND LETTING GOD DOWN 感到人生失落，也覺得虧欠神


Meanwhile, things weren’t going very well at school.
The program I had enrolled in at university
wasn’t really what I expected.
So after a year and a half,
I switched majors and continued in a completely new field.
However, I did not get good grades in the second program either.

同時，學校的情況並沒有進行的很順利。
我大學所註冊的專業，
與我所預想的完全不一樣。
所以一年半後，
我換了主修，繼續去一個全新的領域。
然而，我第二個專業也沒有得到理想的成績。


I was already in the beginning of my third year of university,
and I didn’t know what to do
—should I switch majors again,
or should I just finish my degree?
In the end, I decided to keep on going.
Still, I could not keep up with the workload
and did not find interest in the studies.
That period of time was filled with academic pressure and changes,
which caused me to doubt my abilities and future.
I ended up failing many classes.

那時我已經開始大學三年級，
我不知道該作什麼，
—是該再改主修，
還是該完成學位？
最終，我決定繼續讀下去。
然而，我卻無法應付學業負荷，
也找不到學習興趣。
那段時間充滿了學業壓力和各種變故，
讓我懷疑自己的能力和未來。
我最終當了幾門課。


One Sunday morning in September,
I decided that instead of attending youth class,
I would run away without telling anyone.
I packed my schoolbag and took a bus to the school library in downtown Montreal.

九月有一次星期天早上，
我決與其去上青年班，
我想不告訴任何人就逃離。
我收拾好書包，搭公車去蒙特婁市中心的學校圖書館。


After a few hours of studying,
I purposely wandered around the neighborhood.
I went to a very crowded food court to waste more time,
knowing that the youths were having fellowship at that same moment.
I put my schoolbag on the ground while I ate lunch.
Someone walked by pushing a stroller with a really cute baby,
and I turned to look at that baby.
When I turned back around, my bag was gone.
My heart started to pound very fast as I looked around,
only to realize that my bag was nowhere to be found.

學習幾個小時後，
我故意在附近閒逛。
我去了一個人很多的美食廣場，想消磨更多時間，
知道有很多青年同時正在聚會。
我把書包放在地上，就開始吃午餐。
有人推著嬰兒車經過，帶著一個很可愛的小嬰兒，
我轉過頭去看那個寶寶。
當我再轉過身時，自已的書包就不見了。
我開始心跳加速很快，而我四處張望，
卻發現到，自已的書包找不到在那裡。


That morning, I had deliberately put all my ID cards, wallet, and valuables in the bag
because I was running away from home.
And it was all gone.
I didn’t know what to do
so I called 911 from a pay phone with the change in my pocket.
They told me to go to the nearby police station to report my stolen bag.

那天早上，我特意把自已所有身分證，錢包和貴重物品放進了包包，
因為我要離家出走。
結果，所有東西都不見了。
我不知道該怎麼辦，
所以我用自已口袋的零錢，從公用電話撥打了 911。
他們要我去附近的警察局報案我包包被偷了。


After filing the report,
I had no choice but to call home.
When my father came into the station to pick me up,
I felt very sorry and ashamed,
as if I had committed a crime.
I knew that God had punished me for purposely skipping the youth class.
I wondered if this meant that He still loved me.
I felt very ashamed about my actions and not worthy of God’s discipline.

報案之後，
我別無選擇，只能打電話回家。
當我父親來警局接我時，
我感到非常慚愧又羞恥，
就好像我已犯了什麼罪。
我知道神懲罰我故意逃避青年班。
我想這是否代表祂仍愛著我。
我對自己的行為感到很羞愧，覺得自己不配得神的管教。


DEALING WITH LOSS AND SAYING GOODBYE 面對失去與道別


Not long after these events,
my maternal grandfather was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.
A few months later, my paternal grandfather got sick
because of his advanced age.
Within the same month,
I lost both of my grandfathers to their illnesses.

這些事情發生後不久，
我外公被診斷出肺癌末期。
幾個月後，我祖父也生病，
因年他的高齡。
同一月內，
我兩位祖父都因病過世。


I broke down and wept
when I erased my grandfathers’ names from my prayer request board.
At that moment, all the unspoken sadness and pressure
that had accumulated in me flowed out with my tears.
I could not control it and cried for a long time.
I started to feel a great desire to fly back to Taiwan
to see my grandfathers’ graves,
but I was thousands of miles away.

我崩潰了並大哭，
當我從自已的代禱明單上擦掉自已祖父的名字時。
那一刻，所有未表達的悲傷和壓力，
都已積壓在我心底就隨著我淚水流出。
我無法控制自己流淚，哭了很久。
我開始強烈渴望要飛回台灣，
去看看自已祖父的墳墓，
但我卻遠在千里。


Despite these problems,
I still had to continue doing church work.
I hid my weaknesses and kept going.
I did not disclose my deepest fears
about my academic future or the pain of losing my loved ones.
I felt a responsibility to keep smiling,
to encourage others, and to teach my RE students.

儘管有這些問題，
我仍必須繼續做教會的工作。
我隱藏了自己的軟弱，繼續前進。
我沒有透露自己最深的恐懼，
關於自已學業的前景，以及失去親人的痛苦。
我覺得自己有責任保持微笑，
來鼓勵他人，並教導自已的宗教教育學生。


But I felt like a hypocrite.
I felt like I had nothing to give.
During this time, I completely stopped praying and reading the Bible at home.

但我覺得自己像個偽君子。
我覺得自己無可奉獻。
那段時間，我完全停止在家禱告與讀經。


GOD CORRECTED MY WAY 神糾正我的道路


I decided that I needed to get away from Montreal
and go on a long trip by myself.
I wanted to run away from all of my responsibilities in church and from school.
So I withdrew from university,
started planning my itinerary,
and booked everything to show my determination.

我決定自已要離開蒙特婁，
獨自去去一趟長途旅行。
我想逃離自已全部教會和學校的責任。
於是我大學退學，
開始規劃自已的行程，
並預訂了所有行程，以表明自已的決心。


I basically told my parents,
“No more school for me. I’m gone.”
They were worried and sad to see me like that,
but they could see how unfit and unhealthy I was spiritually.
They let me go.
In April 2003 I flew across the ocean without knowing what was ahead.

我基本會告訴父母：
“我不上學了，我要出走。”
他們既擔心又難過的看到我變這樣，
但他們能看出我屬靈的狀態很差，很不健康。
他們讓我出去了。
2003 年 4 月，我飛越大海，對未來一無所知。


But God really does work in mysterious ways.
Ironically, I began my run-away trip
by spending five straight days in church!

但神的旨意真以奇妙的方式動工。
很諷刺的是，我開始了自已的離家出走之旅
竟然是連續用五天待在教會！


I knew only one person in Japan,
a sister who had studied in Montreal,
and I emailed her to see if she could pick me up at the airport
and take me to the hostel when I arrived.
I wasn’t planning to go to church there;
I just wanted to visit various places around the country.

在日本我只認識一個人，
有一位姐妹她曾在蒙特婁留學，
我發郵件給她，看她能不能來機場接我，
然後我到時送我去青年旅館。
我並沒打算去那裡聚會；
我只想去這國的各地遊訪。


The sister emailed me back,
saying that I was just in time for their spring spiritual convocation
and invited me to go.
I didn’t know what to say and ended up attending.

這位姐妹回我信了，
說我正趕上她們的春季靈恩會，
並邀請我去參加。
我不知道該說什麼，最後還是去了。


I knew then that God was disciplining me,
but I was not ready to give in.
My plan after three weeks in Japan was to stay in Taiwan for one month
and keep my grandmother company.
Even though SARS had spread there,
I did not want to end my trip without visiting my family in Taiwan,
especially my deceased grandfathers’ graves.

那時我知道神在管教我，
但我並不想屈服。
我計劃在日本待三週後，就要去台灣待一個月，
去陪伴我祖母。
儘管 SARS 疫情已經蔓延到台灣，
但我不想沒去探望台灣家族就結束自已的旅程，
尤其是去探視自已過世祖父的墳墓。


I stubbornly flew to Taiwan knowing the risk that I was taking.
The airport was almost empty;
everyone wore masks, and I was very nervous during the entire flight.
I realized that my life was not in my hands.
No matter how perfectly my escape trip had been planned,
I could never have foreseen the dangers and variables involved.

我自知風險，卻仍執意飛往台灣。
機場幾乎清空；
每個人都戴著口罩，整個飛行過程我都非常緊張。
我意識到，自已的生命並不在自己手中。
無論我的脫逃之旅原本就計劃的多麼完美，
我都無法預料其中的危險和變數。


Into my second week in Taiwan,
a relative in the US got very sick,
so instead of staying in Taiwan when the SARS epidemic was at its peak,
I flew to the US to visit my relative.
I was back in North America much sooner than I had planned.

我在台灣進入第二週，
有一位在美國的親戚病得很重，
所以我沒有留在台灣，而在 SARS 疫情最嚴重的時候，
我飛往美國探望自已的親戚。
我回到北美比自已原本計劃早很多。


While I was staying with my relative,
her condition suddenly worsened and I rushed her to the emergency room.
I remember feeling very weak in the knees and in the stomach that night
when I returned from the hospital.
For the first time in my entire trip,
I prayed wholeheartedly to God.
I asked Him to give me strength to help my relative in this foreign place.
I asked Him to save her life and mine.
She was physically sick, and I was spiritually sick.
I told Him about all my troubles
and asked Him to please pull me out from the bottomless pit.

正當我去陪伴親戚時，
她的病情突然惡化，我趕緊送她去急診室。
我記得那晚感覺雙腿發軟無力，胃很難受
從醫院回來後。
在我整個旅程中這是第一次，
我全心全意地向神禱告。
我求祂賜我力量，在這個異地來照顧自已的親人。
我求祂拯救她和我的生命。
她身體生病，而我心靈軟弱。
我向祂傾訴了自已所有的苦難，
並求祂將我拉出那無底深淵。


God heard my pleas.
He healed my relative,
and He also lifted my spirit up.

神垂聽了我的禱告。
祂醫治了我的親人，
而祂也提升了我的靈命。


I had not gone to Sabbath services for a few weeks,
but I found out there was a sister who lived in the same city,
and we arranged to go to the local True Jesus Church together.
When I knelt down to pray in the chapel,
I realized what a blessing it was to be able to keep the Sabbath!
For the first time in a very long while,
I enjoyed the rest and peace of the Holy Sabbath day.

我已好幾個星期沒去參加安息日聚會了，
但我發現有一位姊妹住在同一個城市，
而我們約好一起去當地的真耶穌教會。
當我跪在會堂禱告時，
我明白到能夠守安息日是多大的祝福！
長久以來，這是第一次
我享受到聖安息日的憩息與平安。


COMING BACK TO MY HEAVENLY FATHER 回歸自已的天父


The experience I had in the chapel on Sabbath
and the presence of God throughout my trip made me want to draw close to God again.
After sightseeing for another month,
I flew to Southern California and attended the 2003 NYTS.
It was my last stop,
and this time,
unlike the rest of my trip, there were no obstacles.

安息日我在教會的體驗，
以及神經由我旅程同在，讓我想再次親近神。
在花另一個月遊覽後，
我飛往南加州，參加了 2003 年全國青年神訓班（NYTS）。
這是我最後一站，
而這一次，
不像我其他的旅程，都沒有任何阻礙。


Through prayer and fellowship at NYTS,
God softened my heart and gave me strength.
He welcomed me back with open arms and with no rebuke.
I felt like the prodigal son,
coming back home to my Father after discovering where I truly belonged.
I had done everything out of my own will,
thinking that I knew what was best for me,
but God was telling me, No, you don’t.

在全國青年神訓班的禱告與團契中，
神軟化了我的內心，賜我力量。
祂張開雙臂歡迎我回來，沒有絲毫責備。
我覺得自己就像回頭浪子，
回到家裡天父的懷抱，在找到那裡才是自己真正的歸屬後，。
我過去出於本意曾做到一切事，
以為自已知道什麼才對我最好，
但神告訴我，不，你不知道。


He did not ask me why I had abandoned the blessings I was born with
and chosen to leave Him.
He just let me go and learn things step by step on the way,
to realize that going back to my heavenly Father
was the best and only choice.


他並沒有問我為何放棄自已與生俱來的福氣，
也沒詢問為何選擇離開祂。
祂只是放開我，在旅程中一步一步學習，
才明白，回到天父身邊，
才是最好也是唯一的選擇。


“And he arose and came to his father.
But when he was still a great way off,
his father saw him and had compassion,
and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.”
(Lk 15:20)

“20於是起來，往他父親那裡去。
相離還遠，
他父親看見，就動了慈心，
跑去抱著他的頸項，連連與他親嘴。”
（路 15：20）


I really thank God because I would not be here without Him.
If it were not for His forgiveness and His grace,
I would not have learned what God means to me.
Not only during the trip but for my entire life,
He has guided me and been my light.
He has always been my God though I have not known Him.

我真的感謝神，因若沒有祂，此處就沒有我。
若非祂有寬恕和恩典，
我就不會學會神對我的意義是什麼。
不只在旅行時，更在我整個人生，
祂一直指引我，成為我的明燈。
雖然我一直都不認識祂，但祂始終都是我的神。

























小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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