Manna74-Virtues of Counselors (III)—Be Able to Build Relationships 教會長執的美德(三) - 建立良好關係
How to build relationships of trust. 如何建立信賴
Based on a lecture series by Vuthy Nol-Mantia—Dallas, Texas, USA
跟據 Vuthy Nol-Mantia 傳道的講章系列 - 達拉斯，德州，美國
In the earlier two installments of this series on Christian counseling, we established that counselors should have the
image and likeness of Christ, maintain a close relationship with Christ, know the spiritual weapons available, and be
filled by God’s love. This third and final installment of the series explores how counselors can build relationships of trust
with those who turn to them for advice.
這一系列基督徒輔導的前面二期文章裡，我們確立了，
輔導者要有基督的形像和，也要內外像基督一樣，並且與基督維持緊密的連繫，了解屬靈戰鬥中所能使用的武器，並且充滿神的愛在心中。
本文為第三個部分，也是最終一回的文章，要來探討，身為一個輔導者要怎麼樣與那些前來尋求你建議的人，建立良好的信賴。
BE ABLE TO BUILD RELATIONSHIPS 建立良好關係
As Christian counselors, we must be
able to build good relationships with
all the brothers and sisters who turn
to us for advice. But as humans, we
often relate to certain people more
than others; or we tolerate certain
idiosyncrasies but not others. Hence,
we must first be close to God and
be filled with His word, Spirit, and
love. Only then can we overcome
our personal biases and accept our
brethren just as God accepts them.
As we go forth to build relationships
with our brethren, there are a few
points that we should note.
要輔導基督徒，我們要與前來向你尋求建議的弟兄姐妹，建立良好的信賴關係。
因為人類自身的關係，我們常會和某些人比較好，而不是和另外其他人也都能很好；
會比較容易默許某些個人特質，而無法忍受其他的一些個人特質。
因此我們要先親近神，心中熟悉神的話，有聖靈充滿，並且滿有愛心。
只有如此，我們才能克服個人的軟弱和偏見，能夠像神一樣接納我們的弟兄姐妹。
當我們要來和弟兄姐妹建立關係時，有幾點要注意。
By Recognizing That Everybody Is Unique 要認識到，每個人都很獨特
First, we should recognize that God
has created us as unique individuals.
Since everyone is unique, we should
accept people for who they are,
unless they brazenly lead sinful lives.
We should then understand that
people react differently to similar
situations; thus, accept one another
as we are.
首先，我們要認識到，神所造的每個人都是很獨特的個體。
因為每個人都是很獨特的，所以我們要接納他們現在的情況，除非他們一直厚著臉皮，故意過著犯罪的生活。
我們也要了解到，人們對於相似的情況也會有不同的反應；
因此，要試著去互相接納，就好像我們對自已的認知是那麼自然一樣。
Accepting each other is the
foundation of any good relationship.
Within the close-knit community
of faith, it is quite natural that
we form expectations of brethren
with whom we worship or serve.
However, understanding that people
are different and appreciating these
differences will help us manage our
expectations of others. For example,
members gifted in evangelism may
think that those who do not evangelize
are not exemplary brethren. But we
are all different members of one
body, and this body cannot consist of
only an eye or a mouth. The person
we have dismissed as “lazy” because
he or she does not evangelize may
be one who is the first to volunteer
for visitation work. Therefore, let us
always remind ourselves that God
has given us different talents, and
we ought not to jump to conclusions
about our brethren’s commitment to
God based on our personal standards.
互相接納是良好互動的基礎。
身處於緊密連結的宗教信仰團契中，自然而然我們會對主內的弟兄姐妹，有著像我們所敬拜、服事的主一樣，產生同樣的期許。
然而，要知道，人人生而不同，能夠接納這些差異，才能幫助我們控制我們自已對別人所事先抱持的期待。
例如，有傳福音恩賜的信徒可能會認為，不傳福音的人不是一個作為好弟兄姐妹的模範。
但是我們都在同一個身子上，互為不同的肢體，這個身子上，不可能就一個眼睛或一張嘴巴，就可以這樣組合而成。
因為有些人不會傳福音，而我們就自已認為他們是一個懶墮，不配作一個好信徒的人，
因為很有可能，他們就會是，第一個主動自願來參與訪問信徒工作的同工。
所以我們要時刻自我提醒，神已經賜給人不同的恩賜，
我們不該只跟據自已的標準或觀點，就輕易對其他弟兄姐妹愛主的奉獻與付出草率作出結論。
MINISTRY 服事
By Listening and Maintaining Eye Contact 試著傾聽，以及保持著視覺上的交流
Second, we must listen well, for
listening is undoubtedly the most
important element in developing
a relationship. Any husband who
knows how to listen to his wife is
a good husband; any friend who
can listen attentively makes a good
friend. In any relationship, if we are
good and attentive listeners, the
other party will have no qualms
talking to or confiding in us. This
quality is especially precious in our
modern attention-deficit world. Life
is so hectic and people so burdened
by a range of anxieties that they
generally have no time to listen to
others anymore. Therefore, if we
seek to be good counselors, we must
first be good listeners.
第二，我們一定要好好的傾聽，因為傾聽毫無疑問就是發展良好關係最重要的根本。
能夠知道要好好傾聽妻子的丈夫，就是好老公；
能夠專注聽你說話的朋友，就會成為好朋友。
不論是在任何形式的關係中，只要我們是一個又好又專心的傾聽者，
對方就能毫無掛慮的盡情抒發自已的意見，並且對我們有信心。
這種高品質的信任，在我們今日現代信任不足的社會中，特別珍貴。
生活是如此的忙碌，人們重重承擔著各種的憂慮，
而他們一般也沒有一點時間來好好傾聽別人的聲音。
所以假如我們想要成為一個好的輔導者，我們先要先成為好的傾聽者。
So when they continued asking
Him, He raised Himself up and said
to them, “He who is without sin
among you, let him throw a stone at
her first.” (Jn 8:7)
他們還是不住的問他，耶穌就直起腰來，對他們說：
你們中間誰是沒有罪的，誰就可以先拿石頭打他。(約8：7)
On one occasion, the Pharisees
and scribes caught an adulteress
red-handed. They took her to Jesus,
intending to test Him. These Jewish
leaders cited the Mosaic Law and
asked Him whether the woman
should be put to death (cf. Jn 8:5).
Instead of answering immediately,
Jesus sat there, wrote on the ground,
and simply listened to the accusers.
He knew that without listening to
them, He would never be able to give
them suitable advice. Similarly, if we
do not listen to the complete story
in any matter, we will not be able to
give sound advice to our counselees.
有一次，法利賽人和文士當場抓到一個正在行淫的婦女。
他們帶她到耶穌那裡去，想要試探他。
眾猶太首領引用摩西律法，然後問他，要不要把這個婦女處死。 (約8：5)
耶穌沒有立即回答他們，反而坐在那裡，在地上寫字，從頭到尾靜靜地聽著這些控告者說話。
他知道，若是沒有好好聽他們說話，他就沒有辨法給予他們合適的建議。
同樣的情況，假如我們在所有的事上，都不會好好聽完全部的故事，我們將沒有辨法讓來接受輔導的人得到合理合宜的勉勵。
Besides listening, good counselors
also need to communicate with
their counselees through their
eyes. It is often said that the eyes
are the window to one’s soul, as
they reveal much about a person’s
state of mind. Hence, we need to
maintain appropriate eye contact
with our counselees. By maintaining
eye contact and angling our bodies
towards our counselees, we convey
to them our genuine interest in them
and our willingness to give undivided
attention to their concerns.
除了聆聽，成功的輔導者也會透過眼神的交流，來和接受輔導的人好好溝通。
常言道，眼睛是靈魂之窗，他們經常能夠透露出一個人很多的心理狀態。
因此，我們要和受輔導的人保持合宜的眼神交流。
藉由眼神交流以及身體傾向受輔導者的姿勢，我們會傳達給他們知道，
我們是真的關心他們，我們很樂意專心傾聽他們的憂慮。
By Repeating, Remembering, and Asking 重覆，記住，提問
Third, in order to communicate
effectively with the counselee, it is
essential for counselors to be able
to digest, acknowledge, repeat, and
remember what the counselee has
said. In communication between
spouses, the proof of proper
listening is always when one party
can paraphrase what was said by
the other party. A husband who can
answer his wife’s question is a good
listener. If this husband can repeat
and paraphrase what his wife said, or
even what she had said but forgotten,
he is superb.
第三，為了能夠有效地和接受輔導的信徒有良好的溝通，
輔導者基本上要作到，對輔導對象所說的訊息，能夠瞭若指掌，深切體認，進而來龍去脈也滾瓜爛熟。
對於幫助別人兩夫妻之間作好溝通，良好聆聽的關鍵總是，其中一方能夠好好的了解另一方說話。
一個好的傾聽者，也必是能夠回應妻子問題的丈夫。
如果先生可以重複太太的話，並且了解太太的意思，甚至是他太太所說過，卻已經忘記的話，他就是超級好老公。
Likewise in counseling, it is
important to build a relationship
of trust with our counselees. This
starts with us exhibiting genuine
interest in whatever they share with
us, remembering that they have
plucked up great courage to do so.
One way to demonstrate our interest
is by asking questions, an essential
component of active listening.
Asking gives us the opportunity to
paraphrase and clarify what was
shared. More than this, it allows us to
have a proper conversation with the
counselee; asking the right questions
prompts the counselee to share
further and pushes the counseling
session forward.
在進行輔導時，也是同樣的道理，要和接受輔導的人建立互信的關係是很重要的。
這就從我們展現出，對他們所分享的事情，感到真正的關心開始，要記得他們是鼓起很大的勇氣才會向你尋求協助。
為了表示我們對事情的關心，其中一種方式就是詢問他們一些問題，是一種主動形式傾聽的基本步驟。
藉由發問，可以讓我們有機會去了解，以及釐清所聽到的訊息。
不只如此，這也讓我們能夠和接受輔導的人有一些比較合適的對話；
問對了問題，可以促使接受輔導的人，作更進一步的分享，讓輔導過程的進展再繼續下去。
Further, our ability to remember
what was shared with us one week
or even one month later indicates
a deeper level of genuine care and
concern. This can be very comforting
to the counselee. If we desire to be
good counselors to our brethren, we
ought to maintain continuity in the
relationship by following up on what
was shared previously: “How was last
week? What about the suggestion
that you shared with me last week?”
接下來，我要能夠把所被分享的訊息，記住超過一星期，甚至到一個月，之後，這自然就會顯示出我們有更深一層真正的關心，並且對他們很在乎。
這對受輔導的人來說，是很受安慰的。
假如我們想要成為弟兄姐妹心目中，優秀的輔導者，我們就該讓關係保持連續性，持續追蹤之前所透露的訊息：
"上周過得好嗎？"我上週跟你說的建議有用嗎？"
LEARN TO LISTEN 學會傾聽
As noted earlier, active listening is an
integral part of good communication
in any relationship and a powerful
weapon in the counselor’s arsenal. It
is important to reiterate the following
aspects of listening.
就像之前所提到的，主動形式的傾聽，不論在任何形式關係中，都是良好溝通的主要部分，並且也是輔導者在眾多可用的方法裡，最有力的武器。
重要的是，我們要再強調，傾聽有接下來幾個方面的重點。
Listening Is Not Agreeing 傾聽不代表贊同
Although Jesus listened to the
scribes and Pharisees in the incident
recorded in John 8, it did not mean
that He agreed with them. In other
words, although we need to provide
a listening ear for our counselees,
it does not mean that we have to
agree with everything they say. A
good counselor does not allow his
feelings to shut his ears. Instead, he
continues to listen without showing
any overt expression, positive or
negative. Critically, disagreement or
disapproval is never registered on the
counselor’s face.
雖然耶穌在約翰福音八章的事件裡，聽從了文士和法利賽人的建議，但這並不代表耶穌同意他們。
換句話說，我們要為接受輔導的人，準備好一副善於傾聽的耳朵，這並不代表，我們都同意他們所說的一切。
一位好的輔導者，不會讓他個人的好惡，來影響他進行聆聽。
反過來說，他也不會表現出任何明顯的反應，不論是不是同意或不同意所聽到的事情，只會一直持續的聆聽。
最關鍵的部分是，不論是如何的不贊同或是不喜歡，他的表情永遠不會顯露出來。
For example, if the counselee talks
about something hurtful or painful
that is happening in his life, we
must be particularly alert that our
body language does not betray our
personal thoughts. Maintain a caring
but professional demeanor and
continue listening to the counselee
without shutting off our ears and our
heart.
例如，若是有接受輔導的人，談到發生在他生命中，一些所受到的傷害以及傷心的事情，
我們就必須要特別地謹慎，不要讓肢體語言不小心暴露了我們個人內心的想法。
保持關懷的心，並且帶著專業的行為舉止，不要讓我們自已就關上雙耳及內心，繼續好好聆聽接受輔導的人說什麼。
Whoever shuts his ears to the cry of
the poor will also cry himself and
not be heard. (Prov 21:13)
塞耳不聽窮人哀求的，他將來呼籲也不蒙應允。(箴21：13)
This is crucial for counselors to
note—if we are unwilling to listen,
then the counselee may also not
listen to us. Quite often, this happens
when adults attempt to counsel the
young. Even though they have clearly
much more experience, and know
more than youths, a good counselor
should allow young counselees to
express themselves fully before they
give appropriate advice.
這很重要，輔導者要多加注意 - 假如我們不願意傾聽，那接受輔導的人也不會聽我們的建議。
這種情況時常發生在，成年人想要輔導年輕人的時候。
即使成年人明顯是有更多經驗，知道的比年輕人更多，
一位優秀的輔導人員，一定會允許接受輔導的年輕人，能夠完全表達自已的意見，之後，他們才會給予適當的建議。
In short, listening and agreeing are
two separate matters. Counselors
may or may not agree with
everything that they hear, but they
withhold agreement or disagreement
while the counselee is speaking.
Only after listening thoroughly to
the counselee, do counselors offer
appropriate advice.
簡言之，傾聽和贊同是二件不同的事。
輔導者或許會同意，或許不會同意他們所聽到的任何事情，但是當接受輔導的人正在說明的時候，他們會暫且克制，不會表現出個人的同意或反對。
只有在完全聽完接受輔導者的陳述之後，輔導者才會提供適當的建議。
Listening Is to Understand What Is in Their Hearts 傾聽是要了解他們的心裡在想什麼
Listening to our counselees does
not only help us to understand their
situation, but more importantly, it
should help us to understand what is
in their hearts.
傾聽接受輔導的人說什麼，不只是幫助我們去了解他們的處境，
更重要的是，傾聽會幫助我們了解他們的內心。
Now it happened as they went that
He entered a certain village; and
a certain woman named Martha
welcomed Him into her house. And
she had a sister called Mary, who
also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His
word. But Martha was distracted
with much serving, and she
approached Him and said, “Lord, do
You not care that my sister has left
me to serve alone? Therefore tell
her to help me.”
(Lk 10:38–40)
38他們走路的時候，耶穌進了一個村莊。有一個女人，名叫馬大，接他到自己家裡。
39他有一個妹子，名叫馬利亞，在耶穌腳前坐著聽他的道。
40馬大伺候的事多，心裡忙亂，就進前來，說：主阿，我的妹子留下我一個人伺候，你不在意麼？請吩咐他來幫助我。
(路10：38-40)
In this incident, Jesus visited the
house of Martha and Mary. Martha
was distracted with much serving,
so she approached Jesus with her
disgruntlement. What exactly was
Martha feeling? Perhaps since
Martha was the older sister, she may
have felt responsible for serving the
Lord and therefore interrupted Jesus
to exert her dominance over Mary.
在這個故事中，耶穌來到馬大和瑪利亞的家。
馬大因為許多的接持的雜事而心煩意亂，讓她以憤憤不平的心情來到耶穌面前。
馬大心裡那底在想什麼呢？
或許馬大因為是大姐，所以她覺得要負起接待耶穌的責任來，所以她才打斷耶穌的工作，想要行使家中的支配權，要求瑪利亞一起來作服事接待的工作。
But one thing is needed, and Mary
has chosen that good part, which
will not be taken away from her.
(Lk 10:42)
42但是不可少的只有一件；馬利亞已經選擇那上好的福分，是不能奪去的。
(路10：42)
From Jesus’ response to Martha’s
complaint, we know that Martha
did not recognize the importance of
listening to Jesus. By pointing out the
right and more needful choice to her,
Jesus addressed Martha’s feelings
of disgruntlement by applying the
balm she needed. He understood
what Martha really intended to say,
what was in her heart, and what she
really needed, because He listened
to her with love and concern for her
soul. Therefore, He allowed her to
interrupt Him and air her grievance,
withholding His (dis)agreement,
before He eventually pointed out to
her the better and more beautiful
option.
耶穌對於馬大的抱怨的回答，讓我們知道，馬大並不覺得聽耶穌說話講道，是很重要的事。
耶穌處理馬大這時不滿的情緒，及時給她對症下藥，藉由指出一個對馬大而言，是更加正確，並且現在立刻就需要的新選擇。
祂知道馬大真正想要說的是什麼，她的心裡在想什麼，並且她真正有什麼需要，因為祂會用愛與關懷的心，來傾聽她內心靈魂的聲音。
所以，祂可以在被她打斷說話之後，反而來平撫她內心的不滿，也同時暫時停止很現出，對她目前行為的同意或反對，
在這之後，祂最後指引她一個更加美好的選擇。
Similarly, in all our counseling
work, we should do the same for the
brethren whom we are counseling.
Listen intently not just to their words,
but to their hearts. Then, point out
the better portion to them in order
to lead them to Jesus Christ, the chief
Counselor.
同樣的道理，我們在從事所有的輔導工作時，應該以同樣的方式，來面對接受我們輔導的弟兄姐妹。
專心傾聽，不只是只有聽到他們表面的話語，而且還能夠聽出他們隱藏在內心裡真正的意思。
然後，才向他們指出何為這最好的福份，為了能夠把他們完完全全的引到我們最偉大的輔導者，耶穌基督的面前來。
CONCLUSION 總結
In conclusion, effective Christian
counselors do not just process cases
by churning out standard platitudes as
advice. Importantly, they invest time
to build relationships by recognizing
each individual’s uniqueness,
underlining this recognition through
the willingness to listen attentively
and follow-up. During the counseling
session, allow the counselee to speak
first. Maintain a neutral expression
while listening and only express
our agreement/disagreement after
having a complete understanding of
the situation. Most essentially, point
out the more beautiful portion to our
counselees.
總之，一個有能夠成功輔導別人的基督徒，不會只是套用一般的陳腔濫調，就拿來作為給予別人的建議，並以之來處理個案。
重要的是，他們真的願意花時間來建立友誼，並且能夠體認到每個人都有自已不同的獨特性，
並且注重在事前有這樣的體知之下，還有著一顆樂意的心來專心傾聽，並且持續跟進下去。
在輔導的過程中，允許接受輔導的人能夠事先好好的說明。
在聆聽的時候，始終保持著中立的態度，只有在完全了解事情原委之後，才會作出贊同或反對的表現。
最實際的是，能夠向接受輔導的人，指出有更多美好的福份和選擇。
May our Lord Jesus give us the
wisdom, the heart, and these virtues
to be a counselor for Him. Amen.
願主耶穌賜給我們智慧，願作的心和所有的美德，能夠為主成為好好輔導及幫助別人的信徒。阿們！
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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