2. Manna issue 61 - God Has Always Been with Me 神一直與我同在
A serious case of depression and insomnia
leads to a renewed faith.
發生嚴重憂鬱和失眠
而產生新的信心。
Carol Chan—Houston, Texas, USA 美國德州休士頓
A COMPLACENT LIFE 自滿的生活
I have been a member of the True Jesus Church
ever since I was baptized at the age of two weeks.
At the time, I was very sick with asthma
and my mom didn’t think I would survive,
but I pulled through after the baptism.
我是真耶穌教會的信徒，
自從我出生兩週大就受洗了。
當時，我有嚴重的氣喘病，
我媽媽認為我活不下來，
但我洗禮後就撐過來了。
When I was four, my family moved to Vancouver, Canada,
and thankfully my asthma soon disappeared.
However, my family stopped going to church after we immigrated,
so growing up I didn’t know who God was,
and I didn’t pursue Him, read the Bible, or pray.
During my third year at university,
my parents, after some encouragement from a church member,
decided to rejoin Sabbath services, and I followed them.
當我四歲時，我的家搬到加拿大溫哥華，
感謝神我的氣喘很快就消失了。
然而我們移民後，我家就不再去教會了，
所以長大時我都不知道神是誰，
我沒有追求祂，沒有讀聖經，也沒有禱告。
在我大學三年級的時候，
我父母在一位教會信徒的鼓勵下，
決定再去安息日聚會，而我就跟從他們。
After graduating from university,
I got a great job with a major airline
that allowed me to travel the world for next to nothing.
My mother not only bought me a car,
she bought me clothes, packed my lunches,
and allowed me to live at home rent-free.
My colleagues thought I was so pampered and lucky!
I thought I was invincible.
大學畢業後，
我在一家大型航空公司得到了一份很棒的工作，
這讓我幾乎不用花錢就可以環遊世界。
我媽不只買了一輛車，
她給我買衣服，為我準備午餐，
並讓我免費住在家裡。
很多同事都覺得我太受寵太幸運了！
我以為自已非常的強大。
My spiritual life, however, was in decay.
Although I attended services consistently,
I was always the last to arrive and the first to leave.
When members invited me to stay for lunch
I would decline and make excuses.
然而，我的靈命正在走下坡。
雖然我一直會參加聚會，
我總是最後一個到達，第一個離開。
而很多信徒邀請我留下來吃午餐時，
我會拒絕且找藉口。
I had many worldly friends,
and every weekend I had something to do and somewhere to go.
I couldn’t even pray for five minutes without fidgeting.
During such a short prayer,
I would be thinking about movies and lunch and what I wanted to eat.
For me, food was more important than anything.
我有很多世俗的朋友，
每個週末我都有事可做，有地方可去。
我甚至不能禱告五分鐘而不會煩躁。
在如此短暫的禱告中，
我會想著看電影，以及我想吃什麼午餐。
對我來說，食物比任何事都重要。
My life was so smooth and complacent
that I felt I really didn’t need God at all.
But I thank God that
it was not His will for me to continue living my life without Him.
我的生活是很順利很滿足，
我覺得自已真的根本不需要神。
但我很感謝神，
祂不希望我在沒有祂的情況下，繼續過自已的生活。
FEELING LONELY AND HOPELESS 感覺孤獨無助
In 1999, I got married to a non-believer.
Two years later, my husband was relocated,
and we moved to Copenhagen,
a beautiful city with much to do and enjoy.
With hardly any notice, we were transferred in the winter of 2002
to a tiny fishing and oil town in Norway.
1999 年，我與一位非信徒結婚。
兩年後，我先生搬家了，
我們搬到了哥本哈根，
是一座美麗的城市，可以做很多事情及好好享受。
幾乎沒有任何通知，我們於 2002 年冬季被調過去，
到了挪威一處捕漁和石油的小鎮。
My world turned upside down.
From having friends, a great job,
and so many good things provided by my parents
to having no friends, no job, and no parents close by,
I became extremely bored and lonely.
I would walk through town wishing someone would talk to me.
我的世界產生了天翻地覆。
從擁有很多的朋友、一份很棒的工作，
以及我父母所提供許多美好的事物，
變成沒有朋友，沒有工作，也沒有父母在附近，
我變得非常的無聊和孤獨。
我會穿過城鎮希望有人可以跟我聊天。
Not only was it lonely,
the winters were difficult to live through.
Each day was bitterly cold,
and some days would be dark for almost twenty-one hours.
I also did not have the luxury of owning a car,
so I took the bus through the harsh winters,
walking to the stops and waiting for the bus in the cold, dark, and sleet.
那裡不僅孤獨，
冬天很難度過。
每天都寒冷刺骨，
某些日子會持續黑暗將近 21 個小時。
我也沒有擁有汽車的奢侈，
所以我會搭乘公車來度過嚴寒的冬季，
在寒冷、黑暗和雨雪中步行到車站等候公車。
We lived in an apartment on a hill,
and the sidewalk froze whenever it was cold,
causing me to slip and fall every time I went shopping.
The worst part was that
everything cost about three times more than what I was used to.
For example, a restaurant pizza cost about fifty dollars
and a Coke seven dollars.
Because I enjoyed food so much,
this was a truly horrible situation.
My husband and I grudgingly ate canned food and rice to save money.
我們住在山上的一間公寓，
每當天氣寒冷的時候，人行道就會結冰，
導致我每次去購物都會滑倒。
最糟糕的是，
一切東西的價格都比我以前的事物價格高出三倍。
例如，一家餐廳的披薩價格大約是 50 美元，
而且一瓶可樂 7 美元。
因為我非常喜歡美食，
這真是一種可怕的情況。
為了省錢，我和先生會勉強吃罐頭和米飯。
I complained to my husband
and said I couldn’t live like this,
and he told me not to worry
because we would be there for only a few months.
But then one day he received word
that we would need to stay a minimum of two years.
I started to get really worried.
I didn’t want my life
to consist of feeling bored, sad, and lonely all the time
and having to pay an exorbitant amount of money for everything.
我向我丈夫抱怨，
並且說我不能過這樣的生活，
他告訴我不要擔心，
因為我們只會在那裡待幾個月。
但有一天他收到了訊息，
我們將需要至少待兩年。
我開始變得非常擔心。
我不想要自已的生活
只有一直感到無聊、悲傷和孤獨，
而且必須為一切事物支付昂貴的費用。
For the first time in my life,
I suffered panic attacks.
Then I developed insomnia and anxiety
until everything snowballed into a state of depression.
Every day, I felt this darkness surround me,
and I didn’t want to get out of bed.
I didn’t feel like doing anything
and would constantly cry.
The worst part was that
my brain could not switch off even when I wanted it to.
我生活中的第一次，
我得到了恐慌症。
然後我就出現了失眠和焦慮的症狀，
直到一切如滾雪球而陷入憂鬱的狀態。
每天，我都覺得黑暗包圍著我，
我不想要起床。
我不想要做任何事，
而且會一直哭泣。
最糟糕的是，
即使我想要，我的大腦也無法停止。
In this state of hopelessness,
I started to seek God for the first time.
He moved my heart
so that I would kneel down and pray,
and I also started to sing hymns.
在這種絕望的狀態下，
我第一次開始尋求神。
祂感動我的內心，
接著我就跪下來禱告，
我也開始唱讚美詩。
One night, I dreamt that
I was praying with the Holy Spirit,
and I was joyful when I woke up.
But the insomnia didn’t improve.
I was so exhausted and anxious that
I didn’t even want to live anymore.
There was no joy in my heart.
I thought that I would end up in a mental asylum
and people would forget about me.
有一天晚上，我作夢，
我正在用聖靈禱告，
當我醒來時自已很喜樂。
但是失眠症並沒有改善。
我非常的疲憊和焦慮，
我甚至不想再活了。
我內心沒有一絲的喜悅。
我以為自已最後會進入精神病院，
大家都會忘了我。
I talked to my parents about my struggles,
and my dad suggested that
I go home for some rest and spiritual healing.
It was two weeks since I had last slept,
and, needless to say, I was a basket case.
我和父母談論了自已的掙扎，
我父親建議說，
我可以回家休息一陣子，並且進行精神治療。
這是兩週時間，自從我上次睡覺
不用說，我已經精神崩潰了。
The next morning, I was on a plane back to Vancouver.
隔天一早，我就坐飛機回溫哥華了。
JOY AND SPIRITUAL RENEWAL 喜樂與屬靈更新
My dad and a church sister picked me up
from the airport and took me home.
A couple of hours later,
the pastor arrived at my father’s request.
The first thing he asked me was if I had the Holy Spirit.
Please, I thought, don’t talk to me about the Holy Spirit,
I just desperately need something that will help me sleep.
我爸爸和一位教會姐妹來接我，
從機場帶我回家。
幾個小時之後，
傳道應我父親的要求而來。
他問我的第一件事是，我有沒有聖靈。
我心中想著，拜託，不要跟我談論聖靈的事，
我只是很絕望需要一些可以幫助我入睡的東西。
He kept telling me to “ask, seek, and knock,”
so we got on our knees and prayed.
As we prayed, I heard the church sister
sing the beginning of “Frere Jacques,” a French nursery song.
The English translation of the lyrics is
“Are you sleeping, are you sleeping, brother John?
Morning bells are ringing, ding dang dong.”
他一直告訴我，要“祈求，尋找，叩門”，
所以我們跪下來禱告。
當我們禱告時，我聽到了教會姊妹，
唱著法國童謠《Frere Jacques 約翰弟兄》的開頭。
歌詞的英文翻譯是
“你睡著了嗎，你睡著了嗎，約翰兄弟？
晨鐘已經敲響，叮噹咚。”
I thought this was quite peculiar and
questioned her about it afterward.
She replied that she was not even aware she was singing it!
From that day forth, I was moved to pray for the Holy Spirit
because God cared about me and understood my troubles.
我覺得這件事很奇怪，
隨後就問了她這件事。
她回答說，她根本就不知道自己正在唱這首歌！
從那天起，我就很感動的去祈求聖靈，
因為神關心我，了解我的困難。
That night, I lay in bed for several hours
and tried unsuccessfully to fall asleep.
When I closed my eyes in another attempt to sleep,
it suddenly felt like my body was moving at great speed through dark space.
I opened my eyes and saw that I was still in bed.
那天晚上，我躺在床上幾個小時,
並試著入睡卻沒有成功。
當我閉上眼睛再次嘗試入睡時，
突然感覺自己的身體以極快的速度移動通過黑暗空間。
我睜開眼睛，發現自己還在床上。
When I closed my eyes,
the vision came back.
As my body hurtled through the dark space,
a giant wall of fire appeared before me.
And as I went through the fire,
I cried out, “God help me!”
當我閉上眼睛時，
這種異象又回來了。
當我的身體衝過黑暗空間時，
有一道巨大的火牆出現在我面前。
當我穿過火時，
我大聲呼喊：“神救我！”
I opened my eyes, and the vision vanished.
I wondered what it meant.
The fire didn’t feel sinister in any way.
On the contrary, my faith was strengthened.
It wasn’t until much later
that the vision made sense
after I stumbled across the following Bible verse:
我睜開眼睛，異象就消失了。
我不知道那是什麼意思。
這火焰並沒有給人任何邪惡的感覺。
相反的，我的信心更加堅強。
直到不久之後，
終於明白了這個異象的意思，
在我偶然讀到了以下聖經經文後：
“I indeed baptize you with water unto repentance,
but He who is coming after me is mightier than I,
whose sandals I am not worthy to carry.
He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.”
(Mt 3:11)
“11我是用水給你們施洗，叫你們悔改。
但那在我以後來的，能力比我更大，
我就是給他提鞋也不配。
他要用聖靈與火給你們施洗。”
（太 3：11）
The next day was Sabbath,
and I had gone fifteen days without sleeping through the night.
I attended service and earnestly prayed for the Holy Spirit.
I was so exhausted,
but I paid careful attention to the sermon.
It felt like my soul was thirsting for the truth.
第二天是安息日，
我已經經過十五天整夜沒有睡覺。
我參加聚會，並且迫切祈求聖靈。
我實在太疲累了，
但我很仔細的聽講道。
感覺就像自已的靈魂很渴望真理。
That night, my brain switched off
and I slept, albeit fitfully.
I was so thankful that
I could be refreshed even just a little bit
to continue my spiritual pursuit.
那天晚上，我的大腦關閉了，
我睡著了，儘管睡得斷斷續續。
我非常感恩，
就算是只有睡一點點也能讓我神清氣爽，
去繼續自已的屬靈追求。
Throughout the week,
my insomnia would come and go.
I continued to pray for the Holy Spirit
but didn’t notice any change in the way I prayed until Friday.
What happened during the Friday evening service
is something that I will never forget.
經過整個星期，
我的失眠會來來去去。
我繼續祈求聖靈，
但直到星期五都沒有注意到自已禱告的方式有任何改變。
而週五晚上聚會期間所發生的事，
就是我永遠不會忘記的事情。
The pastor invited the congregation to come up
and pray in the front of the chapel to receive the laying of hands,
so I went up.
During the prayer, I felt the pastor lay hands on me,
but nothing happened and he moved on.
傳道邀請會眾上前來，
並在會堂前禱告並接受按手，
所以我就上去了。
在禱告時，我感覺到傳道給我按手，
但什麼事也沒有發生，所以他就繼續前進。
All of a sudden,
I felt a shot of electricity go through my body,
and I couldn’t control my tongue,
which seemed to be going a hundred miles an hour.
My first thought was,
So this is what it’s like to have the Holy Spirit.
During the prayer,
I was so thankful and joyful that,
after all these years,
God granted me His precious Spirit.
I felt that God took away my sins that night.
突然間，
我感覺有一股電流穿過身體，
我無法控制自己的舌頭，
速度就好像是每小時一百英里。
我第一個想法是，
這就是得到聖靈的感覺。
在禱告期間，
我感到非常感恩和喜樂，
這麼多年之後，
神終於賜給我祂寶貴的聖靈。
那天晚上我感覺到神帶走了我的罪孽。
I thought that everything would be fine
after I received the Holy Spirit,
but it wasn’t.
I went through a period of doubt and spiritual battles
because I didn’t understand why God gave me,
a sinner, this gift.
我以為一切都會好起來的,
當我得到聖靈之後，
但事實並不是如此。
我經歷一段懷疑和屬靈爭鬥的時期，
因為我不明白神為何要賜給我，
一個罪人，這個禮物。
I discussed my doubts with a sister,
and she explained,
“It’s not our place to ask why.
When we receive a gift,
we just say, ‘Thank you.’”
I realized that she was right,
that we shouldn’t question God
but should accept what He gives us.
我和一位姐妹討論了自已的疑惑，
她解釋說，
“我們無權去問為什麼。
當我們得到恩賜時，
我們只要說，‘感謝’。
我明白到她是對的，
我們不應該質疑神，
但是應該接受祂所給我們的。
So in my prayers,
I stopped doubting
and instead gave thanks to God for the Holy Spirit.
After praying in this way,
I started to have a healthier attitude
and began to recover from my depression.
More significantly, my insomnia ebbed away.
所以在我的禱告中，
我不再懷疑，
相反的，會感謝神賜下聖靈。
以此方式禱告之後，
我開始有了更健康的態度，
並開始從憂鬱中恢復過來。
更重要的是，我的失眠症消失了。
When I thought about going back to Norway,
however, I worried that I would revert to my depressed and hopeless state.
I would be alone in faith, with no spiritual companions.
I spent a lot of my time in prayer asking for God’s help.
I thank God that He granted me the peace that I prayed for.
當我想到要回挪威時，
然而，我擔心自己會再次陷入沮喪和絕望的狀態。
我在信仰上將會是孤獨的，沒有屬靈的伴侶。
我花了很多時間禱告，祈求神的幫助。
我感謝神賜給自已所祈求的平安。
After eight weeks back at home in Vancouver,
I was spiritually renewed
and filled with joy at the prospect of reuniting with my husband
and getting to know God better.
回到溫哥華的家八週之後，
我的精神得到了更新，
並且因為要與丈夫團聚的希望，
且更認識神而充滿喜悅。
THE BLESSINGS AND PROVIDENCE OF GOD 神的福氣和預備
Matthew 6:33 says,
“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things shall be added to you.”
I earnestly sought God’s kingdom and righteousness,
and blessings began to pour into my life.
馬太福音 6 章 33 節說，
“33你們要先求他的國和他的義，
這些東西都要加給你們了。”
我切切尋求神的國和神的義，
祝福開始湧入我的生活。
On my flight back to Norway,
I thought that since I had gone through so much,
it would be nice to take a trip to Italy with my husband.
The following week, my husband called me from work
and said the company had just given him
a free one-week trip for two to Italy
and asked if I wanted to go.
在我返回挪威的航班上，
我想既然自已經歷了這麼多的事情，
如果能和先生一起去義大利旅行將會很好。
接下來的一周，我先生從公司打電話給我，
並說公司剛剛給了他，
兩人免費一週義大利的旅行，
並且詢問我是否想去。
Another time, I was on the bus
and decided that I would have Bible study and sing hymns that night.
My husband usually watched television after dinner,
so I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate.
That night, I told my husband that I was going to have Bible study,
and he said he was going to watch television.
He turned on the television and the cable was out.
I had my Bible study for one hour
and the cable came back on after that.
還有一次，我在公車上，
並且決定那天晚上我要查經及唱讚美詩。
我丈夫通常晚飯後會看電視，
所以我很擔心自已無法集中注意力。
那天晚上，我告訴先生我要查經，
他說他要去看電視。
他打開了電視，有線電視卻斷訊了。
我進行了查經一小時，
之後電纜才又恢復了。
Three months in Norway turned into five and a half years.
By the end of those years,
I had many friends and a good job.
God also provided a new place for us to live.
I no longer slipped and fell going to and from the market
because our new apartment was above a supermarket.
在挪威的三個月變成了五年半。
在那些年結束之時，
我有很多朋友和一份好工作。
神也為我們預備了一個新居所。
我來回市場時，不會再滑倒了，
因為我們的新公寓位於一家超市樓上。
My husband was facing another transfer,
and it was possible that
we would have to move elsewhere within Europe or to North Africa.
I was worried that we would be sent to a country
where there was no True Jesus Church.
Although I had maintained my faith in Norway,
I wanted to be able to worship with other members.
我丈夫會面臨另一次的調動，
而很有可能，
我們要搬到歐洲的某地或是北非。
我擔心自已會被送到一個國家，
而那裡沒有真耶穌教會。
儘管在挪威我一直保持著自已的信仰，
我希望能夠與其他信徒一起聚會。
While we were vacationing in Vancouver in the spring of 2008,
we received a long-awaited phone call concerning our move.
My husband told me that
his company wanted to offer him a position in Houston.
I was so happy!
Not only did God hear my prayers,
He knew my thoughts and worries and understood my needs.
2008 年的春天，我們在溫哥華度假時，
我們接到了期待已久關於我們遷移的電話。
我先生告訴我的，
他公司想給他提供休士頓的一個職位。
我很高興！
神不但聽了我的禱告，
他知道我的想法和擔憂，也了解我的需要。
In Houston, blessings from God poured in.
I fasted and prayed for things to go smoothly when we moved,
and God gave me a great apartment
and a great job soon after arriving.
I thank God that I am able to attend Houston Church
and have the opportunity to serve Him.
Not only can I worship with other members,
I also get to fellowship with them and enjoy this blessing!
在休士頓，神的祝福傾瀉而下。
我們搬家時我禁食祈禱一切可以順利，
神給了我一間很棒的公寓，
而且抵達不久之後，就找到了一份很棒的工作。
我感謝神，讓我能夠去休斯頓教會，
並且有機會可以事奉祂。
我不僅可以和其他信徒一起敬拜，
我也能和他們團契，享受這份祝福！
I have a greater understanding now
for what Paul wrote to the church in Rome:
And not only that,
but we also glory in tribulations,
knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Now hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts
by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
(Rom 5:3-5)
我現在有了更多的明白，
關於保羅寫信給羅馬教會的情況：
3不但如此，
就是在患難中也是歡歡喜喜的；
因為知道患難生忍耐，
4忍耐生老練，老練生盼望；
5盼望不至於羞恥，
因為所賜給我們的聖靈將神的愛澆灌在我們心裡。
（羅 5：3-5）
I believe that I wouldn’t be here today
if I hadn’t suffered panic attacks, depression, and insomnia.
I would not have actively sought God
because my life was so smooth and carefree in Vancouver.
But through tribulations,
I turned back to God and He renewed me.
我相信，自已今天不會在這裡，
如果我沒有得到恐慌症、憂鬱症和失眠的話。
我就不會積極的尋求神，
因為在溫哥華，我的生活是那麼的順利及無憂無慮。
但歷經了磨難，
我轉向了神，祂更新了我。
When I look back at my life,
I can see how God has always been with me
even though I turned my back on Him.
He has blessed me my whole life,
but I never appreciated His blessings
or made the effort to follow Him
until I faced difficulties.
當我回顧自己的一生，
我可以看見，神一直與我同在，
即使我對祂置之不理。
他已經祝福了我的一生，
但我從未感謝過祂的祝福，
或是努力去跟隨祂
直到我遇到了困難。
My encouragement is for members
who are blessed with a good life
—be careful and maintain your faith
because this is the time that you may face trials and fall.
But if you fall, don’t forget to look for God.
He is the only one who can bring you back up.
我給信徒的勉勵是，
若是有人很幸福擁有了美好的生活，
—要小心並保守你的信仰，
因為這是你可能會面臨考驗和跌倒的時候。
但你若跌倒了，不要忘記尋求神。
祂是唯一能把你帶回來的人。
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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