13. Manna issue 60 - God Will Never Leave Me 神永不離開我
Coping with the loss of parents and dreams. 應付失喪雙親及夢境
AH—Kowloon, Hong Kong 香港九龍
MY PLAN, NOT GOD’S PLAN 我的規劃，不是神的計劃
“Yesterday, today, forever, Jesus is the same.
All may change, but Jesus never!”
These lyrics from the hymn
“Yesterday, Today, Forever” mean a lot to me.
I found out firsthand how they are the best medicine to heal a sorrowful soul.
“昔在，今在，以後永在，耶穌不改變。
天地萬物都要改變改變，耶穌不改變！”
這些是讚美詩的歌詞，
“昔在，今在，以後永在”對我來說意義重大。
我親身體會到，他們是治療悲傷靈魂的最佳良藥。
In the early 1990s, I had many plans for my life.
My first priority was to enable my parents to have a comfortable and happy retirement
—I pictured them sitting in big armchairs looking content and happy.
1990年代初，我對自己的人生有許多計畫。
我的第一要務，就是讓父母過著舒適幸福的退休生活，
—我想像他們坐在大扶手椅上，看起來很滿足快樂。
I wanted this because they both had very unhappy childhoods,
were abandoned and given away by their parents,
and had worked very hard as immigrants in England to bring up six children.
They ran a business without any knowledge of English
and had to cope with Mum’s kidney problems,
which caused her to be in and out of the hospital regularly.
我想要有這種情境，是因為他們都有非常不幸的童年，
受到父母的遺棄和送養，
作為英國移民要非常努力工作來撫養六個孩子。
他們不會任何英語去經營一家事業，
還要應對母親腎臟的問題，
這導致她經常要進出醫院。
I thought that if I worked hard at my job,
I would be able to provide them with the material things they needed
for a comfortable, worry-free retirement.
However, my plan was not God’s plan.
我認為，如果我在自已的職位努力工作，
我就能夠給他們提供所需的物質
有舒適無憂的退休生活。
然而，我的計劃並不是神的計劃。
Dad was diagnosed with rectal cancer soon after retiring.
After the first session of chemotherapy,
the doctor told us the cancer had spread and chemotherapy was no use.
Dad started to suffer endless pain,
and even injections of morphine had no effect towards the end.
He died within six months of the diagnosis at age fifty-nine.
父親退休後不久就被診斷出有直腸癌。
第一次化療之後，
醫生告訴我們，癌症已經擴散，化療也沒有用。
爸爸開始承忍受無盡的痛苦，
即使注射嗎啡也沒有效果直到最後。
他在診斷後六個月內去世，享年五十九歲。
After Dad’s death, my focus was on Mum.
She was a kidney transplant patient at the time
and needed someone to help her while she recovered.
To take her mind off Dad, I spent all of my spare time with her
and did all that I could to give her the best and make her happy.
Yet, I saw no joy or lessening of pain in her heavy heart.
父親過世後，我開始注意母親。
那時她是腎臟移植病人，
在她康復時需要有人幫助她。
為了讓她不去思念父親，我把自已所有的空閒時間陪伴她，
並盡已所能給她最好的，讓她快樂。
然而，我在她沉重的內心卻沒有看到任何喜悅或痛苦減輕。
I then came up with what I thought was a clever idea:
I would have a baby to keep Mum company and take her mind off Dad,
thinking that would make her happy.
Soon after, I conceived and bought a house across the street from her.
She once said to me,
“I wish I could see you when I wave my hand in the living room window.”
Living in the house opposite to hers would fulfill her wish
and show that we all loved her dearly even though Dad was gone.
然後我想出了一個自已認為很聰明的主意：
我想要有一個孩子來陪伴媽媽，讓她不再去思念父親，
認為那會讓她高興。
不久之後，我懷孕了，並在她對面買了一棟房子。
她曾經對我說，
“我希望當我在客廳窗戶揮手時就能看到你。”
住在對面的房子就可以實現她的願望，
並表明即使爸爸過世，我們大家都深愛著她。
However, things did not unfold according to my calculations.
Mum had a stroke before my baby was born.
She was paralyzed on her left side below the shoulder
and required a long period of recovery at the hospital.
Besides running a Chinese takeout,
I visited her daily and cooked for her.
All of my effort paid off after seeing her improvement,
which encouraged me to go on despite a tired mind and body.
然而，事情並沒有按照我的計算來展開。
在我孩子出生前，媽媽就中風了。
她左側肩膀以下都痲痺了，
並需要在醫院一段長時間的復健治療。
除了經營中餐外賣之外，
我每天去探訪她，為她做飯。
看到她有所進步，我一切的努力就像有回報，
在身心疲憊時，那會鼓勵我繼續前進。
After my daughter was born,
I wanted to take her to see Mum straight away.
However, my husband objected and explained
that there would be plenty of time and opportunities in the future
because Mum was on the road to recovery.
Taking a newborn baby to a busy city hospital would be unwise.
As I didn’t want to argue with him, I agreed.
女兒出生後，
我想立刻想帶她去見母親。
然而先生卻反對並解釋，
未來將有很多充足的時間和機會，
因為母親正在康復的路上。
抱著新出生嬰兒去到繁忙的城市醫院，其實很不明智。
我不想跟他爭論，就同意了。
I could just imagine Mum’s happiness
when she saw her granddaughter,
my special gift to her, a few weeks later.
However, Mum did not have the chance to see her present.
我可以想像母親的喜樂，
當她看到自己的孫女時，
幾週後，我給她的特別禮物。
然而，母親卻沒有機會看到她的禮物。
Just two weeks after the birth of my daughter,
Mum passed away unexpectedly.
As I held her warm and soft body until it turned cool and stiff,
all I could do was cry.
Why was God so cruel
that He took away my dad and mum within eighteen months?
He destroyed my biggest purpose in life and shattered my world.
就在我女兒出生兩週後，
母親就意外過世了。
當我抱著她溫暖柔軟的身體直到它變得冰冷僵硬時，
我所能做的就是哭泣。
神為何如此殘忍，
在十八個月之內，祂帶走了我的父親與母親？
他摧毀了我人生最大的目標，粉碎了我的世界。
A PAINFUL HEART 沉痛的內心
My husband worried that I would have a nervous breakdown
or suffer from postpartum depression
because I was so deeply affected.
Everything now seemed pointless to me.
先生擔心我會精神崩潰，
或是患上產後憂鬱症，
因為我受到的影響太深了。
現在一切對我來說似乎都毫無意義。
Deep down I blamed myself because I believed
that my parents’ deaths might be punishment from God for all the wrongdoings in my life
—in particular, not acting upon His words after my baptism.
My whole family except Dad was baptized into the True Jesus Church in the late 1970s
when Mum was suffering from fatal kidney failure.
I didn’t have any particularly strong feelings about baptism
but felt that if our baptisms cured Mum,
then it was a good thing that I would do.
內心深處我責備自己，因為我相信，
自已父母的過世，可能是神對我一生所有錯誤行為的懲罰，
—特別是在我受洗之後沒有照著祂的話語而行。
除了爸爸以外，我全家都在 1970 年末受洗歸入真耶穌教會，
那時母親得到致命的腎臟衰竭。
我對洗禮並沒有特別強烈的感覺，
但我覺得如果我們洗禮治癒了媽媽，
那就我會去做的一件好事。
Through God’s mercy,
Mum pulled through
each time the doctors said that she might not make it.
I prayed hard whenever something went wrong with Mum
but would again be my disinterested self when she recovered.
I was young and wanted to enjoy life.
I believed that religion could wait until I got older,
perhaps when I entered my forties or fifties.
靠著神的憐憫，
母親挺過來了，
每當醫生說她可能無法撐下去時。
每當媽媽有問題時，我都會很努力禱告，
但她康復時，我又會變成興趣缺缺的自我。
我還年輕，想要享受生活。
我相信，宗教可以等到我變老之後，
或許當我進入四，五十歲的時候。
Therefore, while I attended church services
and listened to sermons every week,
I was not interested in committing myself seriously to Christianity.
When I lost my parents,
I still had a very shallow faith
because I hadn’t established a relationship with God.
Instead of turning to the church and prayer for support during that difficult time,
I began to hate myself and believed
that I would never ever be happy again.
因此，當我參加教會聚會時，
每週去聽講道，
我其實沒有興趣去認真信仰基督教。
當我失去父母時，
我的信心卻仍然很淺薄，
因為我還沒有與神建立起關係。
那段困難時期，反而沒有轉向教會和禱告去得到幫助，
我開始厭惡自己並且相信，
自已將永遠再也不會快樂了。
The thought of suicide passed through my mind,
but seeing my daughter’s tiny face helped me come to my senses.
This baby was innocent and had not asked to come into this world.
I was responsible for her
and could not pass the responsibility to my husband alone.
I carried on as a mother and an elder sister to my siblings,
and I continued to run the takeout business.
自殺的念頭閃過我的腦中，
但看到自已女兒的小臉幫我醒悟過來。
這個嬰兒是無辜的，並沒有要求要進入這個世界。
我要對她負責，
不能把責任單獨推給我先生。
我背負起母親的角色，對其他手足背負起姐姐的角色，
而且我繼續經營餐飲外送的業務。
However, in doing all of this with a painful heart,
I almost had a nervous breakdown.
The hard work of running the business,
being an inexperienced mother,
and worrying over whether my siblings were taken care of drained away all my energy.
然而，懷著痛苦的心情進行這一切事務的同時，
我幾乎到了精神崩潰。
經營事業的艱辛，
身為一個沒有經驗的媽媽，
且擔心自已的弟妹是否有得到照顧用盡了我所有的精力。
I thought of my parents every day
because I had taken over the business they operated for many years,
and everything there reminded me of them.
Knowing that all of my plans for them had gone wrong gradually affected my personality.
I would get depressed very easily,
especially on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, their birthdays,
and the days they died.
我每天都會思念自已的父母，
因為我接手了他們經營多年的生意，
那裡的一切都引起我思念他們。
了解我給他們制定的所有計劃都有問題，這逐漸影響了我的性格。
我很容易就會變得憂鬱，
特別是在母親節，父親節，和他們的生日，
以及他們過世的日子。
I was jealous when other people mentioned their parents.
I would take out my anger, sorrow, and depression on my husband,
blaming him for all the hard work I had to do.
I acted out in many ways:
shouting so loudly that it could be heard next door,
breaking things, even contemplating a divorce.
當別人提到他們的父母時我就會很嫉妒。
我會把自已的憤怒，悲傷和沮喪都發洩給我先生，
責怪他我必須做所有的辛苦工作。
我的表現有很多面向：
大聲喊叫，甚至隔壁都能聽到
破壞東西，甚至考慮要離婚。
I knew I should not have behaved in this manner,
but I couldn’t control myself.
These extreme thoughts and actions
seemed to be my way of releasing the pressure within me.
我知道自已不應該有這種態度的行為，
但我不能控制自己。
這些極端的想法和行為，
似乎是我釋放內在壓力的一種方式。
However, things could not continue like this.
Both my husband and I felt the problem had to be resolved
before I ended up in a mental hospital.
We had a serious discussion about leaving the country
because unhappiness surrounded us there;
perhaps I would be a happy, normal person in a new environment.
In autumn 1999, we left England for Hong Kong hoping for a new life.
然而，事情不能繼續再這樣下去了。
我和先生都覺得這個問題必須解決，
在我被送進精神病院之前。
我們很認真討論是不是要出國，
因為我們那裡圍繞著不幸；
也許在新的環境中我會是個快樂正常的人。
1999 年秋天，我們離開英國前往香港，希望開始新的生活。
A DORMANT FAITH 休眠的信仰
We thought that leaving England would improve my disposition
but things were worse.
I was still unhappy, and the endless work and pressure from work
did nothing to improve my temper.
我們以為離開英格蘭會改善我的性格，
但情況卻更糟。
我還是不開心，無休無止的工作和工作的壓力，
並無法影響改善我的脾氣。
Yet, I still did not seek God’s help.
I attended services at church
because it was a routine for me,
but I did not have any connection to faith,
and I did not pursue spiritual cultivation.
然而，我仍然沒有尋求神的幫助。
我參加了教會的聚會，
因為這是我的日常習慣，
但我與信仰沒有任何連結，
我也沒有追求靈修。
During that time, I started to have bad dreams and nightmares.
I had often dreamt of my parents after they passed away,
but now my dreams started to affect me badly.
On top of that, they were quite frequent, probably due to my busy life.
I would scream, lash out physically, and panic because of them,
and my husband had to calm me down when he was awakened by me.
在那段時間裡，我開始做些不安的夢和驚恐的惡夢。
父母過世後我就常常夢見他們，
但現在我的睡夢想開始嚴重的影響我。
最重要的是，它們非常頻繁發生，可能是由於我忙碌的生活。
我會尖叫，猛烈攻擊，且驚慌失措，因為夢見他們，
我丈夫不得不來安慰我，當他被我叫醒的時候。
I once dreamt that someone chased me down an endless road.
Another time, I dreamt that I was dying,
and as I lay in bed my spirit sank lower and lower
like it was falling down a hole,
but there was no bottom.
我曾經夢見，有人追著我逃在無盡的道路。
還有一次，我夢見自己快要死了，
當我躺在床上時，我的靈魂感覺一直下沉，
就像掉進深淵一樣
但卻碰不到底部。
I also dreamt that I was entering the chapel,
and I saw that everyone inside was wearing white except for me
—I was in black.
This scared me because I didn’t want to end up in hell after I died.
I wanted to see my parents in heaven.
我也夢見自己進入教堂，
我看到，除了我之外，裡面每個人都穿著白袍，
—我卻穿著黑衣。
這讓我害怕，因為我不想死後最終下地獄。
我想在天國見到自已的父母。
Because of these dreams and many similar ones,
I started to think about God and my faith seriously.
I still wondered why, if He wanted to punish me for my wrongdoings,
He punished my parents instead of me.
I felt both guilty and angry at God,
yet I hoped that there was still a chance I could be saved.
因為有這些夢境和許多類似的情境，
我開始認真思考神和自已的信仰。
我仍然想知道為什麼，如果祂想懲罰我錯誤的行為，
祂懲罰的是我父母而不是我。
我即感覺內疚又生氣神，
但我還是盼望仍有機會我可以得救。
I knew that I needed help,
but I wasn’t sure where to start.
However, as I was still going to church,
I started to listen attentively to the sermons.
Despite my efforts to concentrate and learn during church,
I still felt that God did not love me.
God’s words had no effect on me and did not touch my heart.
我知道自已需要幫助，
但我不知道要從哪裡開始。
然而，由於我仍舊去聚會，
我開始專心聆聽講道。
儘管聚會期間我努力專心學習，
我仍然覺得神並不愛我。
神的話語對我沒有作用，並沒有觸動我的內心。
A few days before the 2006 spiritual convocation at Kowloon Church,
my husband joyfully told me
that he had just received the Holy Spirit.
I was happy for him and said something like,
“Good! You can die without fear now.”
Little did I know,
I would be given the same mercy from God in a few days’ time.
2006 年九龍教會舉行靈恩會前幾天，
我先生很高興的告訴我，
他剛剛得到了聖靈。
我為他感到高興，並說了一些這樣的話語，
“很好！現在你可以不用恐懼去死了。”
我所0不知道的是，
幾天後我也會得到神同樣的恩典。
GOD’S IMMENSE LOVE 神的大愛
The spiritual convocation at Kowloon Church was the turning point for me.
That Sabbath day, for the first time in my life,
I felt that every word spoken by the preacher was directed at and meant for me.
I will never forget that my life changed completely that day,
when I finally left the depths of grief and was transported into the loving arms of God.
九龍教會的靈恩會就是我人生的轉捩點。
那個安息日，是我人生的第一次，
我覺得傳道所說的每一句話，都是針對我的，都是對我安排的。
我永遠不會忘記，那天我的生活徹底改變了，
當我最終脫離哀傷的深淵，投入神慈愛的懷抱中。
As I listened to the sermon, tears began to run down my cheeks.
I lowered my head, hoping that others would not see me crying.
All my life, I felt that crying in front of others was a sign of weakness.
Being strong and coping with difficulty well were important to me,
but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t hold back my tears.
當我聽著講道時，淚水從我的臉頰上流下來。
我低下頭，希望別人不要看到我哭。
我一生都覺得在別人面前哭泣是軟弱的表現。
堅強並應對困難雖然對我來說很重要，
但無論我如何努力，我還是無法忍住淚水。
All the wrongdoings in my past came back to me,
and I was so ashamed of being a sinner
that I didn’t feel worthy to hold my head up.
I felt a lot of hurt and pain when I reflected on my past.
I had never experienced this before.
I was glad that I was sitting near the back
because I could hide my tears a little better.
過去所有的惡行我又回想起來，
我很羞恥成為一個罪人，
我覺得自己不配可以抬頭。
我反省自己的過去時，自已就感到承受很多傷害和痛苦。
我以前從未體驗過這種感覺。
我很高興自已正好坐很靠近後面，
因為我可以更好的隱藏自已的眼淚。
I planned to wipe my face discreetly during the ending prayer,
but as soon as I closed my eyes, all I could do was cry.
I did not care anymore if others around me could hear me crying in the prayer.
I was so ashamed of my sins
and how I had not lived out God’s word all these years.
My thoughts were focused on God, and I started to pray earnestly.
在結束禱告時，我打算小心的擦臉，
但我一閉上雙眼，自已就只能哭泣。
我不再在乎周圍的人是否可以聽到自已禱告哭泣。
我很羞愧自己的罪，
怎會這麼多年來，我都沒有活出神的話語。
我的意念都集中在神的事上，我開始迫切禱告。
Suddenly, I felt God’s immense love in me.
It was the first time in my life that I truly felt His existence.
I was like a little lost sheep that He had not abandoned
and still cared to find even after all my wrongdoings.
突然間，我感受到神對我無限的愛。
這是我一生中第一次真正感受到祂的存在。
我就像是一隻迷失的小羊，祂並沒有拋棄，
並且在我做了一切的壞事之後，仍然很在意要找到。
I cried like a baby in the prayer and wished it would never end
because I had so much to tell God.
I wanted to tell Him about my sorrow,
all the tears that I had shed over Dad and Mum for so many years,
my regret over my sins, and the shame and guilt in my heart.
God was the only one who truly understood me
and how I had lived so unhappily for the past fifteen years.
我在祈禱中哭得像個嬰兒，並且希望禱告永遠不會停止，
因為我有太多話要告訴神。
我想告訴祂自已有多悲傷，
因為這麼多年來，我為父母所流下的一切眼淚，
我為自己的罪感到後悔，及內心感到羞恥和愧疚。
神是唯一真正了解我的人，
以及過去十五年來，我是如何過得如此的不快樂。
I felt God’s love and mercy surround me as many emotions swirled within me,
and I shed many tears.
I wondered if what was happening had something to do with the Holy Spirit,
which I had heard about ever since my baptism but had never experienced.
我感受到神的慈愛和恩典圍繞著我，許多情感在我內心盤旋，
我流下了很多眼淚。
我想知道所發生的事情是否與聖靈有關，
自從我受洗以來，就已聽說過的情況，但卻從未體驗過。
I decided that there was no way God would bestow His precious gift on me
because I had sinned so much.
I just wanted Him to understand my sorrow
and feel His mercy and forgiveness.
I did not dare to ask Him for the Holy Spirit in my prayer.
我決定神不可能會將祂寶貴的禮物賜給我，
因為我犯了太多罪。
我只是想讓祂明白我的憂傷，
並且感受祂的憐憫和寬恕。
在禱告中我不敢向祂祈求聖靈。
However, I was very curious to find out
what this strange feeling inside me was
—I was so eager to pray, I didn’t want the prayer to end.
I also felt joy in my heart despite the tears of guilt and shame.
然而，我很好奇的想知道，
到底我內心的這種奇怪的感覺是什麼，
—我很渴望禱告，我不想禱告結束。
儘管有愧疚羞愧的淚水，我內心也感到喜樂。
In the past, my mind wandered most of the time during prayer.
I only prayed seriously when I interceded for my parents.
But because of this new experience in prayer,
for the first time in my life,
I mustered up the courage to move to the front row during the next prayer session.
過去，在禱告時我大部分時間都在晃神。
只有我為父母代禱時才會認真禱告。
但由於禱告時這種新的體驗，
是我人生中的第一次，
在下次祈禱會時，我鼓起勇氣走到前排。
To my surprise, the minister told me afterward
that I had received the Holy Spirit.
It was proof that God had really forgiven a sinner like me.
Nevertheless, I was afraid that there had been a mistake,
so I was hesitant to believe it fully.
令我意外的是，長執後來告訴我，
我已經得到了聖靈。
這那是證明了神確實真的寬恕像我這樣的罪人。
儘管如此，我還是很擔心這會是什麼錯誤，
所以我很猶豫要完全相信它。
A few weeks later, a different minister confirmed
that I had received the Holy Spirit,
and I believed it with a heart full of happiness.
Receiving God’s forgiveness and love changed me.
The burden in my heart lifted.
幾週後，另一位部長證實
我已經領受了聖靈，
我懷著幸福的心情相信了這一點。
接受神的寬恕和愛改變了我。
我心裡的擔子卸下來了。
PROGRESS IN FAITH 信心的進程
Knowing that God had forgiven me and still loved me helped tremendously.
The bad dreams and nightmares occurred less frequently and my temper improved.
I began reading many church publications
such as the Holy Spirit Monthly.
I joined fellowships and other church events,
which helped me understand the Bible more deeply.
知道了神已經繞恕我，且仍然愛我，是很大的幫助。
不安的夢和驚恐的惡夢發生的次數減少了，脾氣也改善了。
我開始閱讀許多教會的刊物
例如《聖靈月刊》。
我開始參加團契和其他教會活動，
這幫助我更深入的了解聖經。
Attending church from then on was a happy and enjoyable event for me
and no longer a habit or routine.
However, I still thought a lot about Mum and Dad
and wished that they were still alive.
As I learned more biblical teachings,
I was afraid that God would dislike me
because Jesus said,
“He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me”
(Mt 10:37).
從此去教會對我來說就是一件喜樂又愉快的事件，
不再是一種習慣或例行公事。
但我還是很想念父母，
並且希望他們還活著。
當我學習更多聖經的教導時，
我害怕神會不喜歡我
因為耶穌說，
“37愛父母過於愛我的，不配作我的門徒；”
（太 10：37）。
One night in autumn 2008, I had a strange dream.
I dreamt that I was looking in a mirror
but couldn’t see my own reflection.
I got scared and asked my husband to look in the mirror,
and he couldn’t see his reflection either.
I believed that this meant both of us were dead.
2008 年秋天的一個晚上，我做了一個奇怪的夢。
我夢到自己正看著鏡子，
但看不到自己的倒影。
我很驚恐，並請老公去照鏡子，
他也看不到自己的倒影。
我相信這代表我們兩個都死了。
While I was thinking this,
I looked in the mirror again
and suddenly saw the beautiful faces of a man and a woman in their youth.
They both looked so young and happy.
I knew straight away that they were the ones I longed day and night to see.
I screamed out, “It’s Mum and Dad!”
My screaming woke me up and I couldn’t stop crying out of happiness
when I realized that I was repeatedly saying,
“Hallelujah, praise the Lord.”
當我這麼想的時候，
我再看了鏡子，
忽然就看見一對男女年輕時的美麗容貌。
他們兩人看起來都很年輕和幸福。
我立刻就知道他們就是我日夜期待想見到的人。
我大聲喊道：“那是爸爸和媽媽！”
我的尖叫聲把我吵醒了，我高興得無法停止哭泣，
當我意識到自已一直說，
“哈利路亞，讚美主。”
I recalled reading a testimony from a sister
who said she had often shed tears over a relative who had passed away.
One day, she had a dream or vision and saw that relative in heaven,
looking like he had as a youth.
Seeing my parents in their youth comforted me
and gave me hope that they were safe in the hands of God.
我記得讀過一位姐妹的見證，
她說自已經常為已去世的親人流淚。
有一天，她作了一個夢或看到異象，看到了那個天上的親人，
看起來就像他過去年輕時。
看見年輕的父母安慰了我，
給了我希望，他們很安全的在神手中。
I do not know whether the dream was God’s way of comforting me
or just me thinking too deeply of them both.
Nevertheless, I truly thank God for allowing me to have this dream
because it helped me to not think about the past
and move forward in my faith and my life.
我不知道這個夢是否是神安慰我的方式，
或者只是我對他們兩個想得太深了。
不過，我真的感謝神，讓我看見這個夢，
因為它幫助我不去想過去的事，
並在我的信仰和生活中向前進。
GOD WILL NOT ABANDON HIS SHEEP 神不會拋棄祂的羊
Looking back now I see that God opened a path for me out of my difficulties.
If He hadn’t given me a tolerant and loving husband
and our baby daughter around the time of Mum’s death,
I would not have been able to carry on at all.
現在回頭看，我看到神給我打開了一條走出困境。
如果祂沒有給我一個寬容慈愛的丈夫，
和在媽媽過世時給我們小女嬰，
我將不會可以一直繼續活下去。
Usually, my husband did not interfere
when my anger exploded.
He would just listen to my threats and harsh words of blame
and wait for me to calm down.
I am thankful and grateful that God gave my husband the strength and patience
to stand a wife like that for many years.
平時我先生不會干涉，
當我的憤怒爆發時。
他只會聆聽我的威脅和嚴厲的責備，
然後等我冷靜下來。
我很感恩且感激神給我丈夫力量和耐心，
可以忍受這樣的妻子很多年。
God also gave me a daughter that any mother would want.
I remember that I once scolded her heavily over her homework
when she was about six years old.
When I woke her up for school the next morning, she said to me,
“Mum, I am very sorry for upsetting you last night, really sorry.”
神還給了我一個女兒，是任何母親都想要的。
我記得，有一次我因為她的作業痛罵她，
那時她大約六歲。
隔天早上我叫醒她去上學時，她對我說：
“媽媽，昨晚讓您生氣，我非常抱歉，真的抱歉。”
I knew straight away that
she must have cried all night without sleeping because of me.
How could I have done this to my beloved daughter?
我立刻就知道了，
她一定是因為我整夜哭泣而沒睡。
我怎麼可以這樣對我心愛的女兒呢？
There was another time when she came to my room to comfort me.
She said,
“Are you missing grandma and granddad again?”
I asked her how she knew that I missed them.
She said,
“I saw you holding the photo of them in your hand for a long time.”
Thank God for giving me such a loving girl.
還有一次，她進到我的房間來安慰我。
她說，
“你是不是又在想爺爺奶奶呢？”
我就詢問，她是怎麼知道我會想念他們。
她說，
“我看到你手裡拿著他們的照片很久。”
感謝神給我一個如此可愛的女兒。
God took away Dad and Mum
but gave me a wonderful daughter
and a good husband that I could rely on at the lowest point of my life.
I cannot imagine what I would have become without them by my side.
神帶走了父母，
但給了我一個很棒的女兒，
還有一個好先生，在我人生最低潮時可以依靠。
我無法想像，如果沒有他們在我身邊，自已會變成什麼樣子。
I truly believe that God’s word is true
and that He will not abandon His lost sheep.
He let me go through my deepest,
most difficult trial and then led me back to Him.
The Bible states:
我真的相信，神的話語是真實的，
且祂不會拋棄自已迷失的羊。
祂讓我走過最深淵，
那最艱難的試煉，然後帶我回到祂身邊。
聖經說：
“What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them,
does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness,
and go after the one which is lost until he finds it?”
(Lk 15:4)
“4你們中間誰有一百隻羊失去一隻，
不把這九十九隻撇在曠野，
去找那失去的羊，直到找著呢？”
（路 15：4）
“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.”
(Mt 11:28)
“28凡勞苦擔重擔的人可以到我這裡來，
我就使你們得安息。”
（太 11：28)
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,A broken and a contrite heart
— These, O God, You will not despise.”
(Ps 51:17)
“17神所要的祭就是憂傷的靈；
神啊，憂傷痛悔的心，你必不輕看。”
（詩 51：17）
Every time I hear these words,
my heart is filled with thanksgiving.
每次聽到這些話語時，
我的內心就充滿了感恩。
Dear brothers and sisters,
if you think you are a sinner
and do not deserve the love of God,
please remember that His love and forgiveness are immense
and beyond our imagination.
All we need to do is open our hearts and face Him.
As it says in Hebrews 4:16,
“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace,
that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
親愛的兄弟姐妹：
如果你認為自已是個罪人，
也不配得到神的慈愛，
請記住祂的慈愛和寬恕是無限的，
並且超乎我們的想像。
一切我們所需要做的事，就是敞開自已心胸面對祂。
正如希伯來書 4 章 16 節所說，
“16所以，我們只管坦然無懼的來到施恩的寶座前，
為要得憐恤，蒙恩惠，作隨時的幫助。”
I have God to rely on now.
Others may leave me tomorrow,
but God will never leave me.
As long as God is there,
I will not be afraid to continue on my path.
I just hope that I can remain pure until the end of my road
and that I can face Him with a guilt-free conscience.
No matter what tomorrow will bring,
He will always be there for me.
我現在有神可以依靠。
明日別人可能就會離開我，
但神永不會離開我。
只要有神同在，
我不會害怕繼續自已的路程。
我只希望自已能保持純潔直到路的盡頭，
我就可以帶著無愧的良心來面對祂。
無論明天會發生什麼事，
祂總會與我同在。
Yesterday, today, forever, Jesus is the same.
All may change, but Jesus never!
Glory to His Name!
昔在，今在，以後永在，耶穌不改變。
天地萬物都要改變改變，耶穌不改變！
榮耀歸於祂的名！
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
歡迎主內同靈來信加入翻譯
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