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14. Manna issue 57 - Holding onto God 堅定倚靠神

Her faith and the love and care of brothers and sisters 
brought her through a troubling time.
by Summer

她的信心及兄弟姊妹們的愛心與關懷，
帶她度過那一段艱難的時間。

NOT ABLE TO BE HAPPY 不能喜樂

The first two months after my son’s birth were not particularly eventful. 
I was exhausted like any mother with a newborn and two older children would be. 
A livein nanny helped with the cooking and household chores, 
but since I was nursing, I still had to get up during the night to feed my son. 
Besides not getting enough sleep, things were pretty normal at home.

我兒子出生後的前兩個月，並沒有發生特別的事情。
我像其他媽媽所會面對的一樣筋疲力盡，帶著一個新生兒，又要照顧兩個稍大的孩子。
有一位住宿的保母幫忙做飯及處理家務，
但由於我仍在哺乳，晚間還是要起來餵兒子。
除了睡眠不足之外，家中一切都很正常。

However, about three months after my son was born, 
I began suffering from anxiety. 
I had many of the symptoms associated with anxiety such as loss of appetite, 
the inability to feel if I was hungry or full, 
tingling in my body, numbness on parts of my head, loud ringing in my ears,
difficulty falling or staying asleep, being easily startled, 
and having panic attacks.

然而，兒子出生大約三個月後，
我開始出現焦慮。
我有許多與焦慮相關的症狀，例如食慾不振，
無法感覺自已飢餓或飽足，
身體刺痛，大腦部份區域麻木，強烈耳鳴，
入睡困難或難以保持睡眠，容易受到驚嚇，
以及恐慌發作。

I would suddenly wake up with a racing heartbeat, 
gasping for air in a state of panic. 
There were nights when I had only one to four hours of sleep, 
and these sleep problems lasted for about six months.
My inability to fall asleep or stay asleep took a toll on my mind and body. 
Some mornings I would lay in bed, 
and I would see frightening things in my head.

我會突然驚醒，心跳加速，
在驚恐情況中急促呼吸。
有些夜晚，那時我只能睡一到四個小時，
這種睡眠問題持續了大約六個月。
入睡困難或為了保持睡眠給我身心付出了代價。
有些早晨，我會躺在床上，
在腦中我會看見可怕的景象。

I began to feel sad, and I couldn’t feel happy 
even though I had many reasons to be happy at that time. 
I was blessed with wonderful children, 
we were living comfortably, 
and my family was actively attending church and serving the Lord together.

我開始感到悲傷，無法感到快樂，
儘管那時我有很多理由感到快樂。
我受祝福擁有可愛的孩子，
我們生活很悠閒，
我家很積極去教會，一起服事主。

Yet, I felt confused, could not focus or concentrate on anything, 
and sometimes felt like I was going crazy. 
However, these feelings would begin to subside in the late afternoon. 
The later into the night, the better I felt. 
When morning came, it was as though a switch was turned on
and those bad feelings would come back again. 
This cycle continued day after day for several months.

然而，我感覺很困惑，無法集中精神專心做任何事，
且有時覺得自己快要瘋了。
難而，這些情感會在傍晚時分開始平靜。
夜越深，我會感覺更好。
但到了早上，就好像打開了開關，
那些糟糕的心情又回歸了。
這種循環持續了幾個月，日復一日。

My condition also evolved into obsessive compulsive disorder, 
and I would go through days constantly thinking or worrying about my condition 
and what I should do to get out of it. 
During most of the day, I lost interest in things I used to enjoy doing. 
I had trouble taking care of my children, my bills, my work, 
and was needy toward close friends and relatives.

我的情況也進化成強迫症，
我會整天一直思考或擔心自已的病情，
以及自已要怎麼做才能擺脫它。
在一天大部分的時間，我失去了做以前喜歡事情的興趣。
我有困難照顧自已的孩子，支付帳單，完成工作，
而且對近親好友非常依賴。

One of the hardest things to deal with was that I had trouble with prayer. 
I knew that prayer was vital to my recovery, 
but I couldn’t get my mind to cooperate.
Sometimes during prayer, my mind would play tricks on me, 
telling me that my prayer did not reach God but was instead heard by Satan. 
It was difficult for me to dismiss these lies my mind was telling me,
but I didn’t stop praying.

最困難處理的一件事就是自已禱告有困難。
我知道禱告對我的復原很重要，
但我卻無法讓自己的想法配合。
有時禱告中，我的大腦會騙我，
告訴我自已的禱告沒有傳給神，而是被撒旦聽到了。
我很難驅散這些大腦正告訴自已的謊言，
但我並沒有停止禱告。

A STRONG DESIRE TO SEEK HELP 強烈渴望尋求幫助

During this period of time, 
I tried hard to rely on God by continuing to go to church,
praying, singing hymns, and reading the Bible. 
I told my condition to ministers,
church workers, and friends in church,
and my name was put on the prayer list. 
I knew that this was an essential part of my recovery process 
no matter what course of action I took later on.

在此期間，
我很努力依靠神，持續去教會，
禱告，唱讚美詩，讀聖經。
我把自已的情況告訴聖職人員，
教會工人和教會朋友，
我的名字也被列入了禱告名單。
我知道這是我康復過程很重要的一部分，
無論之後我採取了什麼行動。

Looking back, I thank God 
that He allowed me to have a very strong desire to get well and seek help. 
When I looked at my son, 
I knew that I was losing precious time to enjoy his infancy 
while I continued to suffer.

回首過往，我很感謝神，
祂讓我有強烈的渴望想康復並尋求幫助。
當我看著自已的兒子，
我知道，自已正失去寶貴時間去享受他的幼年時光，
如果我繼續痛苦。

It was painful to be with my young children 
but not be able to enjoy their presence. 
Valuable time was slipping away, 
and that motivated me to cry out for help.

與小孩子在一起很令人痛苦，
但卻無法享受與他們的相處。
寶貴的時光就快速流逝，
這促使我大聲呼救。

It was not easy, however, to accept my condition 
because I had always been a self-motivated, disciplined, and goaloriented individual. 
Friends and family were perplexed 
by how suddenly my mental state had deteriorated.

然而，要接受自己的狀況並不容易，
因為我一直都是一個自主激勵，自律嚴謹，目標明確的人。
朋友和家人都很困惑，
為何我的精神狀態會突然惡化。

I tried to find out as much as I could about my condition 
and how others had been able to recover. 
I talked to people with similar problems 
or who were familiar with my condition. 
I sought answers from the internet, 
tried Chinese medicine and acupuncture, 
and consulted nonpsychiatric medical doctors. 
But none of these methods helped me, 
and I could not decide what I should do next.

我試著盡已所能努力找出自己的病情，
以及別人一直以來是如何康復的。
我與有類似問題的人交談，
或是了解我病情的人。
我從網路找答案，
嘗試了中醫和針灸，
也諮詢了非精神科的醫生。
但這些方法都沒有對我有幫助，
我無法決定下一步我該怎麼辦。

I was not open to using anti-depressants to treat my condition 
due to the stigma of mental illness and negative things I heard about such drugs. 
The most worrisome ones were long-term dependency on the drug 
or adverse side effects. 
Furthermore, it just didn’t make sense for me, 
a Christian, to be depressed or on anti-depressants.

我並不願意服用抗憂鬱藥物來治療自已的病情，
因為精神疾病的污名及自已聽到這類藥物的負面情況。
最讓人擔心的事情是，藥物長期的依賴性，
以及不良副作用。
此外，這本身對我而言就不合理，
我是一個基督徒，卻患了憂鬱症或依賴抗憂鬱藥物。

However, during the course of my suffering, 
I spoke to people who either encouraged me to seek psychiatric help
or had success with anti-depressants. 
I spoke at length with a friend of a sister from church.

然而，在我痛苦的過程中，
我告訴一些人，他們不是鼓勵我去尋求精神科醫生的幫助，
就是自己成功服用了抗憂鬱藥物醫治。
我與教會一位姊妹朋友長時間討論。

To my amazement, the lady’s condition was so similar to mine, 
particularly with how her symptoms would begin to subside and improve 
as the day progressed. 
That led me to think that perhaps my condition was due to a chemical imbalance.
The thought of seeking psychiatric help began to make more sense, 
and I decided to do so.

令我驚訝的是，這位女士的情狀與我很相似，
尤其是她的症狀是如何逐漸減輕和改善，
隨時間的推進。
這讓我想到，或我的病情是因為化學物質的不失衡。
尋求精神科醫師幫助的想法開始變得更加合理了，
於是我決定這麼做。

Recovery 康復

A sister who had been close to me throughout my suffering 
prayed with me one day 
and asked God to help me find a Christian doctor. 
I felt it was important that the doctor was a Christian 
so that I would not be swayed by secular theories of psychology. 
Within a very short time,
another sister, who had heard about my condition 
but didn’t know I was looking for a doctor, 
called me and referred  a psychiatrist who was a Christian.

有一位姐妹，她在我痛苦期間都一直很親近我，
有一天和我一起禱告，
求神幫助我找到一位基督徒的醫生。
我覺得醫生是基督徒是很重要的，
這樣我就不會因為受到世俗心理學的動搖。
不久之後，
另一位姐妹，她聽說了我的情況，
但並不知道我正在尋找醫生，
她打電話給我，並推薦了一位基督徒的精神科醫生。

Accompanied by the sister who had been with me all these months, 
I went to see this doctor, 
who understood my initial fear of anti-depressant and antianxiety drugs. 
I felt reassured after seeing him 
and started to take the anti-anxiety medication 
that he prescribed for my sleep problem.

這位姐妹在這全部的幾個月，都一直陪伴我，
我去看了這位醫生，
他了解我一開始對抗憂鬱藥物和抗焦慮藥物的恐懼。
在他的醫療諮詢之後，我再次感到安心，
就開始服用抗焦慮藥物，
是他為我開立的治療睡眠問題藥物。

I thank God that the medication worked right away
—my sleep was restored, 
and I was able to stop taking this medication soon after. 
With a well-rested body and mind, 
some of my symptoms disappeared.

感謝神，那藥物很快發生功效，
—我的睡眠恢復了，
而且不久之後我就能停止這種藥物了。
有了充分休息的身心，
我的一些症狀就消失了。

The doctor also prescribed an antidepressant,
which eventually helped most of my symptoms to disappear. 
Through counseling from a doctor who also believed in God, 
I was able to understand myself and my condition better.

醫生還開立了一種抗憂鬱藥物，
那最終幫我消除了大部份的症狀。
經由一位同樣信主醫生的諮詢，
我才能夠更了解自己和自已的情況。

THE LOVE AND CARE OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS 弟兄姐妹的愛心與關懷

Although I took prescription medication,
I believe that my husband and church members directly contributed to my recovery. 
Without them, I would not be testifying to God’s mercy and grace.

雖然我服用了處方藥，
但我認為自已的丈夫和教會信徒直接幫助我的康復。
沒有他們，我就無法見證神的憐憫和恩典。

I know that marriages can be torn apart by depression, 
and I am very thankful to God that my husband stood by me,
prayed for me in tears, and continued to love me during my suffering 
even when my condition was so foreign and confusing to him.

我知道憂鬱症能摧毀婚姻，
我非常感謝神，我丈夫一直陪伴我，
為我流淚禱告，並在我痛苦時繼續愛我，
即使我的病情對他而言，是如此的陌生和困惑。

Many members from different True Jesus Church locations prayed for me,
ministers laid hands on me and prayed for me, and members visited me often. 
Some sisters spent many hours counseling and encouraging me, 
and some also brought food to my home, 
cooked and cleaned up for me, 
and provided me the company I needed so much 
while my husband was at work.

許多來自不同地點的真耶穌教會信徒為我禱告，
聖職人員給我按手並為我禱告，很多信徒常常來看我。
有些姐妹花很多時間輔導和鼓勵我，
還有一些人給我送飯，
為我做飯，打掃衛生，
給我很需要的陪伴，
在丈夫上班時。

I can still remember a day when a few sisters came to my house. 
One of them gave me a nice blue notebook 
and taught me to list the things I could be thankful for. 
The exercise left an impression on me 
and has helped me even to this day to see the positive side of things 
and to thank God for His blessings that I took for granted in the past.

我至今仍記得有一天，那時有幾位姐妹來我家。
他們其中一位送給我一本漂亮藍色的筆記本，
並教我列出自已值得感恩的事項。
這個練習給我留下深刻的印象，
甚至直到今日，仍幫助我看到事物的正面，
並感謝神賜給我過去習以為常的祝福。

As I recall those months when I struggled, 
I thank God that He restored my physical and mental health, 
kept me in my faith, 
and allowed me to counsel others using what I learned.

當回想起那幾個月自已有過的掙扎，
我很感謝神，祂恢復我的身心健康，
保守我的信仰，
並讓我用自已所學去輔導他人。

From this experience, I learned to be content with what I have 
and discovered the many blessings that God has given me.
I used to be a perfectionist, a worrywart, and a pessimist. 
Now I am happier, more thankful, more optimistic, more sympathetic, 
and place less emphasis on earthly things.

從這段經歷中，我學會了知足常樂，
並發現神賜給我的諸多恩典。
我曾是個完美主義者，一個杞人憂天的人，一個悲觀的人。
現在我更快樂了，更加感恩，更加樂觀，更有同情心了，
也不再那麼重視世上之事。

I used to think that my past achievements were because of my abilities, 
but now I know I am nothing without God. 
In the past, when I prayed to God about my problems, 
I would hold on to them, never truly letting God solve them. 
When I was going through such difficult times, 
I began to learn to let go of the problem and hand it to God.

我一直認為，自已過去的成就都因為自已的能力，
但現在我知道，沒有神，自已什麼都不是。
過去的時候，當我向神禱告解決問題時，
我總會緊抓住這些問題，從未真的讓神去解決它們。
當我以前經歷那些艱難的時刻，
我開始學習放下問題，把它交給神。

Do not be afraid or embarrassed to seek help, 
and when you do, make sure the people you talk to 
are knowledgeable about such conditions.

不要害怕或不好意思尋求幫助，
當你要尋求幫助時，請確保你所交談的人，
了解這種情況。

God is faithful and He will never ever forsake us. 
He will not let us go through a trial 
that we cannot bear even though the journey can be very painful. 
Hold on to God and never let go.

神是信實的，祂永遠不會拋棄我們。
祂不會讓經歷試煉，
是我們所無法承受的，
即使這段旅程可能極其痛苦。
緊緊抓住神，永不放手。

小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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