Manna issue 83 - Out of Dark Depression 走出死蔭憂鬱之谷
How a sister’s faith sustained her
throughout depression.
主內姊妹靠信心克服憂鬱症的見證
Lina Pang—Irvine, California, USA
The first twenty-five years of my life
were amazingly joyful because of
God’s blessings and abidance. In first
grade, God saved me from a crazeddog
attack. My secondary school and
college years overflowed with His
blessings. When I started working
life, I experienced God’s fullness
during a repentant prayer—He was
surrounding me, within me, and
flowing out of me.
我人生的前２5年在神的祝福和同在下過得非常喜樂。
一年級時神救我脫離瘋狗的攻擊，
中學和大學時期，神的恩典充足的澆灌在我身上，
出社會之後我在一次悔改的禱告中體會到神的聖靈如活水江河湧流
，充滿並圍繞著我。
To help me grow, God allowed me
to go through a more challenging
stage in my life—the dark period.
為了促使我的靈性成長，神讓我經歷了一段黑暗時期。
Descending Into an Abyss 墜入死蔭幽谷
At the time, my life was going well.
Relationships, career, and family
were all working out. But darkness
unknowingly seeped into my heart.
還記得當時我的生活相當順利，
不論情感、事業或家庭生活都相當順遂，
但未知的黑暗悄悄的進入了我的心中。
I do not know why and when this
dark depression started afflicting
me. All I knew was that I felt a black
hole within my heart. It was a very
deep, dark void. Soon, this expanding
black hole had taken over my whole
heart. A blanket of gloominess was
my constant companion. I could no
longer smile naturally.
我不知道憂鬱症的折磨何時開始，為何而起
，只感受到心裡有一個黑洞，
又深又無止盡的虛無黑洞。
很快的，這個黑洞吞噬了我的整顆心，
開始，憂鬱時常環繞並跟著我，
我無法再度自然的微笑。
Each morning, I woke up only
to wish I had not woken up. Death
appeared to be a far more attractive
prospect compared to being alive.
When I walked around, I felt strangely
detached from my body; almost
as if my spirit was a separate entity
watching my physical body go about
the day’s activities. I felt like a zombie.
I lost interest in what I used to like.
There was a vast emptiness in my
heart.
每天早上起床後，我只期望自己不要崩潰，
活著好痛苦，我只希望自己死一死算了。
當我四處行走時，我對自己總有一種疏離感，
就好像靈魂出竅一樣，我似乎是從旁觀察自己日常的一舉一動，
就像行屍走肉一般。
我對喜愛的事物失去了興趣，心中感到無盡的無力和空虛。
It was at that moment that I
thought I understood the vanity of
life. As Solomon had described it,
life was an endless cycle, with one
day the same as the next. I felt that
life in general had neither meaning
nor value. Convinced too that my
existence was void of meaning and
value, I could only conclude that
death was far better than remaining
alive. The apostle Paul had expressed
the same sentiment (Phil 1:23) but his
motivation was completely different.
To him, death was welcome, but only
because he had finished his mission
on earth and was looking forward to
seeing God.
在這段時光裡，我自以為了解生命的空虛，
就像所羅門王描述的:「日頭出來，日頭落下」「日光之下並無新事」(傳道書1章5節、9節下半)，
我自覺生命沒有意義與價值。
在說服自己生命是空洞而虛無後，我覺得死了倒好，
雖然使徒保羅也曾說他情願離世(腓力比書1章23節)，
在另一章節中保羅也表達他不怕死亡:「
當跑的路我已經跑盡了...有公義的冠冕為我存留」(提摩太後書4章7-8節)，
然而這些與我的動機截然不同。
I experienced the strangest
phenomena. One day I went to watch
The Lord of the Rings with my family
members and friends. During the part
of the movie when the evil character
was pursuing the protagonists, I felt
the dark spirit actually fly out from
the screen. These spirits then flew all
around the cinema, surrounded me,
and even tried to fly into my heart.
So while my family was enjoying
the movie, I had to keep muttering
“Hallelujah” throughout the entire
movie to drive away the demonic
spirits around me.
之後發生了奇怪的事。
有一天我和家人朋友去看「魔戒」，
當電影中的「戒靈」在追殺主角時，
我彷彿看到這些靈體飛出螢幕，
這些靈體在劇院裡飛來飛去，包圍我並試圖攻擊我的心。
所以當我的家人朋友們正享受電影的聲光效果時，
我一直小聲的唸「哈利路亞」以驅逐身邊的邪靈。
During this period of darkness, I
seemed to become very sensitive
to the existence of dark spirits. In
retrospect, I learned many important
lessons. First, I was reminded that
spiritual battles are all around us
and happen every day even though
we may not see them. Second, I
realized that when we are spiritually
weak, the devil can easily enter
our hearts. Sometimes this takes
the form of a dark thought, or an
erroneous concept. These little spots
of darkness keep assailing us. They
are not from God because they are
neither consistent with God’s divine
nature nor with God’s words. These
little spots of darkness accumulate
and intensify. So, even though we
are not demon-possessed, the devil’s
influence can become so great that it
controls us. He is indeed like a roaring
lion stalking us, looking for someone
to devour.
這段黑暗時期，我對於邪靈的存在異常敏感
回想起來，這讓我學到很多。
第一，我發現即使我們沒發覺，靈戰每天都在上演。
第二，我發現當我們靈性軟弱時，魔鬼便很容易進入我們的心。
有時我們的軟弱起於一個黑暗的觀念，或偏激的思考模式，
這黑暗的想法不斷攻擊我們，
這些想法裡沒有神，它們跟神的神性相悖，也不符合聖經的道理，
這些黑暗的思想不斷發酵脹大，
大到即使我們沒有被鬼附身，依然成了這些黑暗想法的魁儡。
「魔鬼如同吼叫的獅子，遍地遊行，尋找可吞吃的人。」
(彼得前書5章8節)
I was too embarrassed to talk to
anyone about the darkness I was
feeling because, as a Christian and a
worker in the church, I was supposed
to be joyful. I had the indwelling Holy
Spirit, yet I could feel neither joy nor
life in me. All I could feel every day
was darkness.
我拉不下臉來和教會裡的同工討論自己心中的黑暗，
因為身為教會的工人，喜樂似乎是我的職責之一。
雖然有受聖靈，我的心卻全無喜樂與生命力。
黑暗成了我每日生活型態的基礎。
Depression was also very
frightening for me because I just
could not feel God’s presence. I did
not want to confide in others because
I knew they would just advise me to
pray, read the Bible, rely on God, and
repent of any sins I had committed.
I was already doing all these, but to
no avail. I did not understand why this
was happening to me because I had
no reason to be unhappy. All I knew
was the abyss of darkness was deep
in my heart and there was absolutely
nothing I could do about it. I felt
utterly helpless.
我覺得憂鬱症好恐怖，因為我無法感受到神的存在，
我不願找人傾訴，因為他們都只會叫我禱告、讀經、依靠神和悔改。
我已經有在做這些了，但還是感受不到神，好像這些都沒用，
我不理解為甚麼憂鬱會發生在我身上，身為人生勝利組的我似乎沒有不快樂的理由。
我對心中那死蔭淵藪的認知僅止於 - 無助。
我非常的無助。
Clinging to Hope 緊緊的貼近希望
Even though I could not feel God, I
knew God exists. Since young, I had
heard innumerable testimonies of His
abidance; I myself had deep, personal
experience of Him. So, although a
spiritual wall seemed to have cut me
off from Him, I clung to the memories
of these experiences. I told myself
that while I might not know why I
was going through this, God knew
I was suffering. I believed He would
take me out of this spiritual suffering
in His time.
即使我感受不到神，
我知道他是存在的從小我便經歷了無數神同在的見證，
我曾深深經歷神，
因此，當神的慈愛似乎被一道無形的牆隔絕時，
我開始數算神的恩典。
我告訴自己，即使我無法看清楚自己正經歷的事，
神早已確知我現在所受的苦。
我相信神已安排祂的時間，祂將拯救我脫離這靈性的折磨，
So I prayed to God every day to help
me, believing without any doubt that
there would be light at the end of the
tunnel if I remained faithful to Him;
that was the hope I grasped tightly on
to. I continued to pray to God, read
the Bible, go to church, serve God,
and wait for God to rescue me.
因此我仍每天禱告，確信幽深邃道的盡頭必為光明，只要緊緊抓住神，必能看見祂的榮耀。
我持續讀經禱告、聚會和做聖工，一邊等待神的拯救。
Why are you cast down, O my soul?
And why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him
For the help of His countenance.
(Ps 42:5)
「我的心哪，你為何憂悶？
為何在我裡面煩躁？
應當仰望神，因他笑臉幫助我；我還要稱讚他。」(詩篇42篇5節)
I would have lost heart, unless I had
believed
That I would see the goodness of the
Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!
(Ps 27:13–14)
「我若不信在活人之地得見耶和華的恩惠，就早已喪膽了。
要等候耶和華！當壯膽，堅固你的心！我再說，要等候耶和華！」(詩篇27篇13-14節)
I knew no human hand could pull
me out of this mire of depression;
only God could. So, as in the psalm,
I just waited for God to rescue me. I
had faith and hope in the goodness of
God. This hope sustained me for nine
months. When darkness drowned me,
and thoughts of death overwhelmed
me, I chose to believe in God and His
goodness.
我知道沒有人能將我拉出憂鬱的泥淖，唯有耶穌。
因此，我就像詩篇所描述的，等候神的拯救，
並在神的慈愛中找到信心和希望。
這股希望支持了我九個月，
當我為黑暗的漩渦沉沒時，當死意催逼著我就範時，
我緊抓著神和祂的慈愛不放開。
If I did not let go of God, God
would never let go of me. Buoyed
by this hope, I started feeling better
each day. Then one day, I noticed
that the darkness was no longer
overwhelming; I felt normal again. All
the abnormal feelings—thoughts of
dying, flying evil spirits, emptiness—
just disappeared. I was so joyful, I
could not stop praising God!
我不想放開神，慈愛的神當然不會放開我，神的慈愛成了我的希望，
這份希望鼓舞著我，讓我日漸堅強起來。
然後在某一天，我發現黑暗就這樣煙消雲散了，我覺得自己恢復正常了!
那些怪奇的感覺，諸如尋死、到處飛的邪靈和無法填補的空虛就這樣消失了。
我非常喜樂，不住的讚美神!
Around that time, I stumbled upon
an online article about depression.
As I read through the checklist of
symptoms, it dawned on me that this
was what I had been going through
for the past nine months. If I had been
clinically diagnosed, I would have
been put on medication. But without
this knowledge, all I could do was
trust in God, and He healed me.
後來我在網路上看到一篇關於憂鬱症的文章，
並讀了主要症狀的列表，突然發現它們反映出我過去九個月的感受。
要是當時我尋求精神科醫師開藥協助，
就沒有機會像這樣依靠神，靠神得醫治了。
From Being Helpless to
Helping Others
從無助到助人
Soon after my recovery, I was chatting
with my religious education students
from J1 and J2 (Junior and Intermediate
Youth). I noticed that many of them
were depressed. It was more common
than I had thought! I then understood
why God had allowed me to undergo
that bout of depression. It was to
enable me to support others who
were going (or would go) through a
similar trial. What I had gone through
allowed me to assure them with the
fullest conviction that God could, and
would, help.
康復之後，我跟一些初級班的青年們聊天，
發現他們其中也有許多成員有憂鬱的傾向，
憂鬱傾向似乎比我想像的平凡。
我突然理解為何神要我經歷這段憂鬱期，
就是為了讓我能同理其他受憂鬱之苦的人們，
因為自身的見證，我能非常確定的告訴他們 - 神可以，也願意醫治破碎的心。
In general, people who are healthy
cannot completely empathize with
those suffering from depression. As
the symptoms are internal, and there
is no discernible external cause for
their prolonged sadness, depressed
people are often told to “get over it.”
However, they are really unable to
pull themselves out of the abyss. Such
tough love can lead a sufferer to think
that no one understands, causing them
to become more depressed. Worse,
they are afraid to confide in others and
request intercession because they fear
being despised for not being spiritual
enough. From my experience, many
sufferers of depression feel a lot better
after meeting someone from church
who understands them and listens to
them.
一般而言，心理健康的人是無法同理深受憂鬱之苦的人們的。
由於憂鬱症的症狀是內在的，而非因明顯外力所致，
憂鬱症的人常被吩咐「別想太多」，
然而這些憂鬱的人其實沒辦法因此就走出死蔭幽谷。
這樣缺乏同理心的關懷只會讓憂鬱傾向者覺得更加不被理解，讓他們更加憂鬱，
更嚴重則導致這些憂鬱傾向者害怕袒露心思或尋求同靈的代禱，
他們不想被輕視，被貼上靈性軟弱的標籤。
就我的經驗而言，很多受憂鬱之苦的人在教會同靈的理解或傾聽後便有所好轉。
A few years later, I met another
member who was experiencing
depression. She felt so helpless
because her medication was not
really helping. Thank God, I was able
to share my experience, and she felt
very relieved. She had the faith and
the hope to know that God would
help her. Years later, when I met her
again, I was pleased to see that she
looked happy.
幾年過後，我遇到一位同受憂鬱症之苦的同靈。
她覺得好無助，因為藥物對她的病情沒有助益，
感謝主，那時讓我有機會分享自己的見證，
這個姊妹在見證中獲得了安慰，
他拾起信心和希望，知道神必定幫助她。
又過了幾年，再見到她時，她看起來好快樂，我也為她開心。
From this experience, I was
reminded that God has His beautiful
will and purpose for our suffering.
Sometimes, it is because He wants to
test our faith, to see if we will hold
on to Him no matter what. Another
reason is because He wants us to
help others who go through the same
thing in the future.
從這次的經驗中，我理解到，即使遭遇患難，神的旨意原是美好的。
有時神試煉我們，為要我們學習在患難中依靠祂，
有時患難是要我們體會神的恩典，並在未來幫助經歷相似患難的同靈。
Blessed be the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies and God of all comfort, who
comforts us in all our tribulation,
that we may be able to comfort
those who are in any trouble, with
the comfort with which we ourselves
are comforted by God. (2 Cor 1:3–4)
「我們在一切患難中，祂就安慰我們，
叫我們能用神所賜的安慰去安慰那遭各樣患難的人。
我們既多受基督的苦楚，就靠基督多得安慰。」
(歌林多後書1章3-4節)
Journey to Humility 學習謙卑的旅程
A few years after the bout of
depression, I went through another
dark period in my life. It started
with a prayer to God to show me
one thing that He would like me to
change. During that prayer, I had a
very strong feeling that God wanted
me to learn humility. I was shocked
because I never thought of myself
as a particularly proud person.
However, searching my heart, I did
indeed find pride. Unfortunately, I did
not know how to get rid of it. So I
prayed and asked God to teach me
how to humble myself. And He did
so—through sickness and through
workplace challenges.
憂鬱退去後過了幾年，我又經歷了另一段黑暗的旅程。
這段旅程在一次禱告中開始，禱告中我感受到神要我改變，祂要我學習謙卑。
我很震驚，因為我從來沒有意識到自己原來是個驕傲的人，
然而探索了自己的內心一番後，我承認自己是驕傲的，
不幸的是，我不知道如何擺脫這份驕傲。
因此我向神禱告，請祂教我如何謙卑下來，
神便透過病痛和工作挑戰來幫助我。
Graves’ Disease 葛瑞夫茲氏症
About a year later, I was diagnosed
with Graves’ disease, which causes
hyperthyroidism.
一年過後，我被診斷罹患葛瑞夫茲氏症，甲狀腺機能亢進症中最常見的一種。
Although I ate triple the amount
that I usually eat, I lost a lot of weight.
In fact, I lost so much weight that I
looked malnourished. My hair fell
out, my nails began to chip, my hands
shook, and my eyes bulged. I had a
goitre in my neck, and I experienced
heart palpitations and anxiety attacks.
即使我食慾大增，能吃下比以往多三倍的食物，我依然瘦了很多，
因為實在瘦了太多，我看起來就像是營養不良，
我開始掉頭髮、我的指甲開始龜裂，我的手會發抖，眼睛也突出。
我的頸部有一個甲狀腺腫，我會心悸，也有焦慮的症狀，
People with Graves’ disease
experience emotional rollercoasters. I
am known as a generally calm person
who can control her emotions, but
with the disease, my emotions were
very volatile and extreme. My muscles
were perennially tense and painful,
and I could not sleep at night. I would
just lie there, listening to my heart
thumping as loudly as a drum, with
my whole body pulsing to the beat.
葛瑞夫茲氏症患者的情緒就像雲霄飛車一樣起起落落。
一般旁人對我的印象都是平靜理性的，但因為疾病，我的情緒變得無常且極端。
我的肌肉終年緊繃且疼痛，晚上也睡不好，
常常只能躺著聽自己的戰鼓般的心跳聲，感受身體隨之震動，無法入眠。
Work Challenges 工作挑戰
At work, I was also facing a major
challenge. I was a kindergarten
teacher with about thirty kids in my
class. Of this, half had behavioral
problems—an unusually high number.
Unsurprisingly, my work life felt like
an endless series of crises. While I was
dealing with one student’s behavior,
another would do something that
required my attention immediately. As
I dashed over to the second student,
another situation would start—
imagine having to deal with this all
day!
工作上，我也遭遇了極大的挑戰，
我在幼稚園工作，一班大約有30個學生，
其中有一半以上有行為問題，一半以上!
因此我的工作充滿了接連不斷的風波，
對此我一點也不意外，每次我還在糾正一位學生的行為時，
另一位就開始搗亂， 當我擺平的第二個，第三個...接二連三的狀況劇又會上演，
你能想像天天面對這群小猛獸嗎?
To compound matters, one child in
my class was particularly extreme. He
would run about on all fours in the
classroom. When I asked him to sit,
he would stand up; and when I asked
him to come to me, he would run
away. He had even tried to strangle
one of the other teachers.
其中一個超級失控小孩更是讓人頭痛，
他會在整間教室亂跑，
每次他都跟我唱反調，我叫他坐下，他就站得直直的，
每次我叫他過來，他轉身就跑，他
甚至曾試圖勒住另一位老師的脖子!
I was certainly ill-equipped to
handle such a child because another
symptom of hyperthyroidism is the
inability to think clearly. Decisions
which could be made within thirty
seconds took me three hours. In
addition, I had completely lost my
voice. Faced with all these, I felt
helpless once more. I had trouble just
doing laundry—how was I supposed
to face my class of children, half of
whom had additional needs?
因為病痛纏身，我當然沒辦法像平常一樣好好處理這些小孩，
甲狀腺機能亢進的其中一個症狀就是 - 我沒辦法清晰的思考 !
原本只需30秒鐘的決定，我可能需要3小時，
而且這個疾病也讓我沒辦法出聲音。
由於以上這些狀況，我又再次感受到無助，
我連洗衣服都有困難了，要怎麼面對這班一半以上都需要特別照顧的孩子呢
Once again, I had to grasp onto God
for help. Every morning I would pray
to God before I went to work. Besides
that, I spent half an hour reading the
Book of Psalms in order to receive
enough strength to get through the
day. This was the first time I noticed
that when I read the word of God,
it gave me strength. Subsequently,
I received medical treatment for the
hyperthyroidism. In these six months,
as I read the Psalms and prayed every
day, God worked. He slowly took care
of my problems one by one.
因此我再度向神求助。
每天早上工作前，我都會向神禱告，
除此之外我還需要讀半小時的詩篇讓我有足夠的勇氣撐過一整天，
這是我頭一次發現神的話能加添我們力量，
後來我接受了甲狀腺機能亢進的藥物治療，
接受治療的這六個月，神在我每日的讀經與禱告中動工，
他一個一個解決了我的問題，
From these events, I was reminded
that the Lord is God. As the Creator
who made us, He is the One who gives
us the capability to do everything
that we are able to do. We owe our
careers and achievements to Him.
But while the Lord can give, He can
also take away. I may be an eminently
capable teacher, but an illness could
completely debilitate me and prevent
me from teaching.
每一個問題的解決都提醒著我 - 神是我的主，
我們是神所創造的，我們一切的能力都是他賞賜的，
我們的事業和成就都歸功於神。
然而「賞賜的是耶和華，收取的也是耶和華」(約伯記1章21節)
我可說是一位頂尖專業的教師，
但一個疾病就能完全奪去我的專業，讓我無法勝任教職。
So God taught me humility and
thankfulness. Leading an ordinary
life is already God’s blessing. The
life in us is the manifestation of His
power sustaining us. I thus learned to
humble myself by recognizing God’s
power and sovereignty in every little
aspect of my life.
神藉這疾病與工作挑戰的旅程教導我謙卑與感謝。
平凡的日常已經是神的賞賜，
我們內中的生命便是神能力扶助的顯明，
因此我學會了謙卑自己，承認神在一切的事，
即使是微小的生活瑣事上，都掌權。
[F]or in Him we live and move and
have our being, as also some of your
own poets have said, “For we are
also His offspring.” (Acts 17:28)
「我們生活、動作、存留，都在乎他。就如你們作詩的，
有人說：我們也是他所生的。」(使徒行傳17章28節)
It is God who arms me with strength,
And makes my way perfect.
(Ps 18:32)
「惟有那以力量束我的腰、使我行為完全的，他是神。」(詩篇18篇32節)
Give to the Lord the glory due His
name;
Bring an offering, and come into His
courts.
Oh, worship the Lord in the beauty
of holiness!
Tremble before Him, all the earth.
(Ps 96:8–9)
「要將耶和華的名所當得的榮耀歸給他，拿供物來進入他的院宇。
當以聖潔的（的：或譯為）妝飾敬拜耶和華；
全地要在他面前顫抖！」(詩篇98篇8-9節)
Conclusion —My Lord, My
Teacher , My God
結論 - 我的主、我的教師、我的神
During the first twenty-five years
of my life, God demonstrated His
unfailing abidance through blessings.
In the next stage of my life, by leading
me through a period of darkness,
God taught me that He is there even
though I could not feel His presence.
From my bout of depression, I learned
that God’s arm is not shortened. He
can save me—and everyone who is
willing to trust Him—from the deepest
suffering. From my hyperthyroidism,
I learned that God is the One who
sustains us and enables us to do
everything we are able to do.
在人生的前25年裡，神藉著祝福向我彰顯他是堅定不移的，
在人生的下一個階段裡，神引領我經過死蔭幽谷，
讓我知道即使我感受不到，他一直都在。
經歷憂鬱讓我體會到神幫助的膀臂不會縮短，
祂能救我，和所有尋求他的人，即使在最糟糕的環境下，在神凡事都能，
在與甲狀腺機能亢進一同旅行時，我體會到，若不是神的能力和賞賜，我們便無法完成任何事。
神確實是我的主、
My Lord, my Teacher, my God!
May all the glory be unto Him.
我的教師和我的神。
願一切的榮耀都歸於祂。
瑪哪雜誌第８3期－走出死蔭憂鬱之谷 (譯者: Joshua Bloomwitz)
走出死蔭憂鬱之谷
主內姊妹靠信心克服憂鬱症的見證
by Lina Pang
走出死蔭憂鬱之谷
Lina Pang—Irvine, California, USA
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
歡迎主內同靈來信加入翻譯
Manna 嗎哪 56 (1)