Manna issue 75 - Healed from the Inside Out由內而外的治癒
Steffi Joeng—美國,加利福尼亞州,爾灣市
奉主耶穌聖名作見證榮耀祂的名，我從小就在真耶穌教會(TJC)，我在教會受洗和成長，參加宗教教育課程，甚至年幼時便受聖靈。因為我的童年在信仰上扎根非常深，每個人都覺得我長大後會是真教會的模範青年，但並非如此。
In the name of the Lord Jesus I testify to glorify His name. I’ve been in the True Jesus Church (TJC) since I was born. I was baptized and grew up in the church, attending religious education classes, and even receiving the Holy Spirit when I was young. Because my childhood was so rooted in the faith, everyone thought I would grow up to be an exemplary TJC teenager, but that was not the case.
「我不需要神」
“I DON’T NEED GOD”
當我進入高中時，我的行為表現和靈性很好，然而，在一年級時，我的靈性向急遽的下降。在大三的時候，我天天與家人吵架，去我想去的地方，常常說謊，並結交壞朋友，我開始討厭教會和教會裡的弟兄姊妹，我自己的想法和慾望毀了我，甚至到了我想要離開教會的地步，因為當我所要的是自由時，我無法理解為什麼我要被這麼多規定束縛。在教會裡，我感到被排斥和被評斷，我覺得神不愛我。因為生活中的其他事都很好，驕傲也開始在我心中漸長，我很年輕、在學校做的很好，沒有不好的事發生在我身上，我覺得不受影響。
When I started high school, my behavior and spirituality were good. However, my spiritual life spiraled downward as my freshman year progressed. By my junior year, I quarreled with my family daily, went wherever I wanted to go, lied constantly, and made bad friends. I began to hate church and my brothers and sisters in church. My own thoughts and desires consumed me. It progressed to the point where I thought about quitting church because I couldn’t understand why I was bound by so many rules when all I wanted was to be free. I felt ostracized and judged at church, and I felt that God didn’t love me. Pride also began to grow in my heart because everything else in my life was so good. I was young and doing well in school. Nothing bad had ever happened to me. I felt untouchable.
在這段時間，我和我媽媽的關係也惡化了，她常常在我做事時隨意進入我房間，問我有沒有禱告，每次她進來，我都會厲聲對她喝道：「沒有，妳為什麼認為我在禱告？」我會把她噓走，因為她的出現打攪了我。我當時不知道的是，即使我外表上非常有活力，我的內心卻是死的。
During this time, the relationship between my mother and me was also deteriorating. Often, I would be doing work and she would randomly enter my room to ask if I had been praying. Every time she entered, I would angrily snap at her, saying, “No. Why would you think I’m praying?” I would shoo her away because her very presence annoyed me. What I didn’t realize was that even though I was very much alive on the outside, inside I was dying.
我放棄了，但祂沒有
I GAVE UP, HE DIDN’T
在我大三那年，2012年十月裡的某個早晨，我起床時脖子非常僵硬，當我到浴室看著鏡子時，我看到左邊鎖骨上出現一個口香糖球大小的腫塊，我繼續觀察腫塊，完全沒有想過是癌症，我心中的驕傲告訴我那是不可能的，永遠不可能發生在我身上。一週過去了，腫塊已經腫成我拳頭的大小，幾週後，腫塊似乎越來越大。
One morning in October 2012, during my junior year, I woke up with a very stiff neck. When I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I saw a lump the size of a gumball, sticking out of my left clavicle. As I continued to observe the lump, I didn’t even think of cancer. The pride in my heart told me that that was out of the question—it could never happen to me. A week passed and the gumball had swollen to the size of my fist. As the weeks passed, the lump seemed to grow bigger and bigger.
去看了一連串頭部、頸部的專科醫生和腫瘤學家後，我被診斷為霍奇金氏淋巴癌第二期，是淋巴結的癌症。終於，恐慌到來，我想任何人被診斷出癌症後都會害怕，我信心軟弱，所以我既沒有責怪神也沒有尋求祂幫助，因為我覺得神不愛我，所以那樣似乎沒有意義。
After seeing a series of head and neck specialists and oncologists, I was diagnosed with stage II Hodgkin’s lymphoma, which is a cancer of the lymph nodes. Finally, the panic set in. I think anyone would be scared after being diagnosed with cancer. My faith was weak, so I neither blamed God nor sought His help. It seemed pointless because I thought that God didn’t love me.
在被診斷出癌症後，照標準程序要接受幾次的全身掃描，結果是我身上有兩個腫瘤，一個在左邊鎖骨，而另一個大的在我胸部中間、心臟的上方，直徑約九公分。感謝神，雖然我有兩個大腫瘤，但是淋巴癌只到第二期，意思是非常早就發現並可以治療。事實上，若沒有小口香糖球腫塊的存在來告訴我身體出了狀況，我永遠不會知道有一個更大塊的腫瘤在胸部。
After being diagnosed with cancer, it is standard procedure to undergo several body scans. It turned out that there were two tumors in my body, one on my left clavicle, and another large one, about 9 cm in diameter, in the middle of my chest, just above my heart. Thank God, though I had two large tumors, the lymphoma was only at stage II, meaning that it was discovered early and very treatable. In fact, without the appearance of the little gumball to tell me that something was wrong with my body, I would never have known that there was a larger mass in my chest.
經過痛苦，信心重生
FAITH REBORN THROUGH SUFFERING
這個見證不是大奇蹟，只是在我受治療期間、經過神慢慢的操練我的信心和毅力時得到的小小祝福，。從這些小教訓中，我學習到神確確實實的愛我，祂想要我通過這個試煉，但祂從不給我過於我所能應付的試煉。
This testimony is not about huge miracles, but the small blessings I received during my treatment, through which God slowly trained up my faith and perseverance. Through these little lessons, I learned that God indeed loves me. He wanted me to go through this trial, but He never gave me more than I could handle.
我的化學治療每兩週做一次，雖然很難去面對，但已經比我隔壁床的小孩子所要接受的治療溫和、不頻繁了。然而，我還是有受身體上極大痛苦的時候，我必須被注射特殊的針以補充白血球。白血球是在我們的骨隨中生成的，所以有無數個夜晚，我都因脊椎傳來痛苦的燒灼感而驚醒。有一次，我問神為什麼要給我受這個苦，我求祂除去我的痛苦，當我躺在那裡時，我開始反省自己的生活是多麼罪惡。
My chemotherapy took place about once every fortnight. Though it was tough to face, it was milder and less frequent than the treatment the children in my neighboring bed area had to undergo. However, I still had moments of great physical pain. I had to receive special shots to replenish my white blood cells. White blood cells are made in our bone marrow, so there were countless nights when I was jolted awake by a painful burning sensation in my spine. In one particular instance, I asked God why He would bring me this suffering, and I pleaded for Him to take away the pain. As I lay there, I started to reflect on how sinful my life was.
我想起了「因為耶和華所愛的，他必責備，正如父親責備所喜愛的兒子。」（箴3:12）當我想起這節經文，我的禱告開始改變，我開始了解神在責備我，所以我接受了，就像神的子民在撒迦利亞書1:6後半段所做的：
「他們就回頭，說：萬軍之耶和華定意按我們的行動作為向我們怎樣行，他已照樣行了。」
I recalled that, “For whom the Lord loves He corrects, just as a father the son in whom he delights” (Prov 3:12). As I thought about this verse, my prayer started to change. I began to understand that God was chastising me, and I accepted His actions, like the people of God did in the latter part of Zechariah 1:6:
“So they returned and said:
‘Just as the Lord of hosts determined to do to us,
According to our ways and according to our deeds,
So He has dealt with us.’”
在我的禱告中，我開始承認我的錯，我瞭解到這是我應得的，我也接受了，當我回轉向神，神展現了祂的信實並減輕我的痛苦。感謝神，我的治療共花六個月，就癌症治療來說是比較短的。
In my prayer, I started admitting my wrong. I recognized that this was something I deserved and I accepted it. When I returned to God, He showed His faithfulness and lessened my suffering. Thank God, my treatment took about six months in total, a comparatively short time in terms of cancer treatment.
神也在我心理上保護了我，在我整個診斷跟治療期間，我只哭了一次，在那之後，我都沒有覺得害怕或消沉，因為我知道當神用祂的手包覆我時，祂已經把我交給好的人手中。我有很棒的支持團隊，由我的父母、朋友、家人和教會組成，我感受到一股平靜和喜樂洗滌我，那是藉由在主裡的盼望才有可能發生的。
God also protected me psychologically. Throughout my entire diagnosis and treatment, I cried only once. After that, I never felt scared or depressed, because I knew that God had put me into good human hands while covering me with His own hand. I had a great support system consisting of my parents, friends, family, and church. I felt a peace and joy washing over me, which could only have been possible through hope in God.
在教會和家中的祝福
BLESSINGS AT CHURCH AND AT HOME
另一個祝福是即使我是出不了門的，我在患病中還能去教會，癌症影響了我的免疫系統，所以我得在家自學，我不能太常出去，因為一個尋常的感冒就可能導致死亡。但是當星期六到時，我就會打扮好、去教會守安息日，我能繼續做聖工，與弟兄姊妹聯誼。我出門時應該要戴著防護口罩，以免生病，但我並不費心戴著去教會，我不懼怕，因為我感受到神保護著我，祂不會允許我身上發生任何事。
Another blessing was that I was able to go to church throughout my illness, even though I was housebound. The cancer affected my immune system, so I had to be home-schooled. I was not allowed to go out much, because even a common cold could kill me. But when Saturdays came around, I would get dressed and go to church to keep the Sabbath. I could continue to do holy work and have fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I was supposed to wear a protective mask when I went out so that I wouldn’t get sick, but I didn’t bother to wear one at church. I had no fear because I felt that God was protecting me, that He would not allow anything to happen to me.
因為這樣，在六個月期間，教會是對我唯一的影響來源，這是另一個祝福，因為這表示我從一直待著的黑暗中離開了，我不再被學校的壞朋友和負面影響環繞著。神在解我靈性上的毒，同時，藉由教會的人和家人，神用祂的愛和仁慈填滿了我，我不再覺得有罪，或想要滿足自己的快樂，因為我已經充足了。
Because of this, church was my only source of influence during that six-month period. This was another blessing, because it meant that I was removed from the darkness I had been living in. I was no longer surrounded by bad friends or negative influences at school. God was detoxifying me spiritually, and at the same time, He was filling me with His love and mercy through church members and my family. I no longer felt the need to be sinful or to fulfill my own pleasure, because I felt filled already.
最大的祝福是癌症改變了我和家人間的關係，在生病的六個月中，我每天都跟父母在一起，我體驗到他們超出想像的愛，他們在化療期間一直支持我，他們陪我到每一次的開會、讓我覺得舒適、在每個漫長的一天後幫我清潔，和幫助我復原，他們停止所有生活，為了照顧我、確定我很好。我真的感謝神給我這麼好的父母。
The greatest blessing was that cancer transformed my relationship with my family. After six months of being sick and spending every day with my parents, I experienced their love more than imaginable. They supported me throughout my chemotherapy, as they accompanied me to every session, made me feel comfortable, cleaned me up after every long day, and helped me recover. They dropped their entire lives to take care of me and make sure I was okay. I really thank God for giving me such amazing parents.
我反省過去為什麼常與家人爭吵，並了解這些原因很自私、沒有意義，我決定停止與家人爭吵，因為他們給我那麼多愛和關心，不應該接受我這麼難聽的話。感謝神，從那時候開始，我們就沒有發生任何嚴重爭吵了，我甚至告訴父母我一直愛著他們，我也再沒有欺騙他們的心，因為現在我知道他們有多愛我。癌症是神用來叫醒我的。
I reflected on why I used to fight with my family and realized the reasons were selfish and pointless. I decided to stop fighting with my family because they did not deserve my harsh words after showing me so much love and care. Thank God, since then, we haven’t had any serious fights, and I even tell my parents that I love them all the time. I also don’t have the heart to lie to them anymore, because I now understand how much they love me. In this way, cancer was God’s wake-up call to me.
在事情都結束後，我媽媽告訴我，在發現癌症以前，當她在煮飯或打掃時，會聽到我用方言禱告，但她來看我時，我都只是坐在那做事，她很困惑，所以就問我是否有禱告，但只能得到我無禮的回應。她告訴我這是神要告訴她有壞事會發生在我身上的方式，要她為我禱告。神為了我們全家做準備。
After everything was over, my mother told me that before the cancer diagnosis, while she was cooking or cleaning, she would hear me praying in tongues, but when she came to check on me, I would just be sitting there doing work. In her confusion, she would ask me if I had been praying, only to receive a rude reply. She told me that this was God’s way of telling her that something bad was going to happen to me and that she should pray for me. God was preparing my whole family for this trial.
靈性的化療
SPIRITUAL CHEMOTHERAPY
當作化療要讓惡性細胞和腫瘤變小時，我也感受到我罪惡的慾望、怒氣和軟弱縮小了，那是靈性上的化療，我覺得特別有趣的是我的心有巨大的成長，好像以前是所有罪惡的外在表現遮蓋了我的心，帶給我許多怒氣和空虛，阻礙我看見神和其他好的人。在治療期間，即使我感覺外在的身體漸漸衰弱，我內在的人卻慢慢有了生氣，變得強壯並被帶回正路。
As the chemotherapy was working to shrink the malignant cells and tumors, I also felt my evil desires, anger, and weaknesses diminishing. It was spiritual chemotherapy. I found it especially interesting that I had a huge growth right in front of my heart, as though it was a physical manifestation of all the evil that was covering my heart. It had brought me so much anger and emptiness, preventing me from seeing God and other people in a good light. During my treatment, even though I felt like my outer body was dying, my inner person was slowly being brought back to life, being strengthened and restored on the right path.
感謝神，我在2013年四月被宣布脫離癌症，從那時候開始，我都不曾停止去加強、鞏固信仰。即使我受苦了，我卻幾乎毫髮無傷的回來，甚至現在，我覺得得癌症的經歷好像一場夢，幾乎不記得了，唯一能提醒我的是身上的疤痕，神真的保護著我並顯出祂的憐憫和愛，祂把我放在火中為要試煉我，使我成為更完全的器皿，祂顯出祂的公義，還告訴我祂是我在天上的父，祂帶我回正路並拯救迷失的我。現在，我覺得我行事應為榮耀神而行來回報祂的愛。
Thank God, I was declared cancer-free in April 2013. Since then, I have not ceased in trying to bolster my faith. Even though I suffered, I came out practically unscathed. Even now, my experience of having cancer feels like a dream that I can hardly remember. My only reminders of ever being sick are the scars on my body. God really protected me and showed me His mercy and love. He placed me in the fire in order to refine me so that I would be a more complete vessel. He showed me His righteousness. Even more, He showed me He is my heavenly Father. He took me back and saved me from being lost. Now I feel that I should do everything for the glory of God to repay His love.
你們所忍受的，是神管教你們，待你們如同待兒子。焉有兒子不被父親管教的呢？…生身的父都是暫隨己意管教我們；惟有萬靈的父管教我們，是要我們得益處，使我們在他的聖潔上有分。凡管教的事，當時不覺得快樂，反覺得愁苦；後來卻為那經練過的人結出平安的果子，就是義。（來12：7，10，11）
If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? ... For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
(Heb 12:7, 10, 11)
經過這次經驗，神告訴我我是祂的孩子，祂愛我。我知道當我們受苦時，那可能是因為我們違反神的話；當神責罰我們，那是為了顯出祂的愛和憐憫，使我們回到祂身邊。我很感謝祂拯救了我生命，願一切榮耀頌讚歸於祂的名。
Through this experience, God told me that I am His child and that He loves me. I learned that when we suffer, it may be because we are disobedient. When God chastises us, it is to show us His love and mercy so that we will return to Him. I’m very thankful that He saved my life. May all glory and praise be unto His name.
Box Text(文字框):
旁觀者的看法
Raymond Chou筆
A Bystander’s Perspective
by Raymond Chou
對Steffi姊妹來說，她的疾病就像個夢一樣，她可能不記得詳情，但我記得。作為一個駐牧傳道，教會職務會希望我去安慰她，我覺得有許多壓力，你能跟一個年輕、開朗、漂亮卻被診斷出癌症第二期的十六歲女孩說什麼呢？
To Sister Steffi, her illness is just like a dream. She may not remember the details, but I do. As a resident preacher, I was under so much stress because the church council wanted me to comfort her. But what can you say to a young, bright, and beautiful sixteen-year-old girl who had just been diagnosed with stage II cancer?
在多次的禱告、來回走路後，我拿起電話打給她，「嗨！傳道！」她說。她聽起來很開心，我還能聽到背景有電動遊戲的聲音，或許她在跟弟弟玩。我問她是否安好，她說：「我很好！我很好！但是我現在很忙，待會再跟你說話。」她聽起來很好，所以我想之前是不是弄錯了。但是星期六在教會時，為了瞭解更多，我坐在她媽媽旁邊，在我能說話以先，她媽媽就開始哭了，這對父母來說尤其不容易。
After much prayer and walking back and forth, I picked up the phone to call her. “Hi Pastor!” she said. She sounded happy and I could hear the sound of a video game in the background—maybe she was playing with her brother. I asked if she was okay. “I’m okay, I’m okay, but I’m busy now. I can talk to you later.” She sounded fine, so I wondered if there had been a mistake. But at church on Saturday, I sat next to Steffi’s mother during lunch time to find out more. Before I could say anything, she started crying. It was not easy, especially for her parents.
身為一個旁觀者，我們看到神顯出祂奇異的引導，幫助小小的種子成長，並長得強壯。有一次，我問Steffi化療進行得怎麼樣，她說：「感謝神進行得很好，星期四我做化療，星期五我嘔吐了整天，但是感謝神，星期六我就能去教會了。」我不知道如何回覆這麼正向的回答，怎麼有人能如此安逸的面對生命中這麼悲慘和嚴重的情況，她甚至在沒頭髮時還在帶領詩歌祈禱會，看到這個，我想只能藉由神的能力才能辦到，沒有其它原因了。
As bystanders, we saw God demonstrating His miraculous guidance, helping a little seed to grow, and grow strong. Once, I asked Steffi how the chemotherapy was going. She said, “Thank God it’s going well. On Thursday, I do chemotherapy. On Friday, I vomit all day. But thank God, on Saturday, I get to go to church!” I didn’t know how to respond to such a positive answer. It’s amazing how a person can so comfortably face such a dire and drastic situation in life. She was even leading hymnal worship sessions when she had no hair. Seeing this, I would think that it could only be through the power of God—there’s no other reason.
曾經好幾次Steffi陷入死亡的危機，她的血球數目下降到很低，使她隨時有死亡的可能。這整個考驗不僅使她的家人學到許多，對當地教會來說也是，許多同靈開始思想生命的意義並勤奮的為她代禱，我們真的感謝神能在她身上看到如此大的轉變，這是激勵了整個教會的神蹟，願神繼續幫助、引導Steffi姊妹。
There were times when Steffi was in great danger of losing her life, when her blood cell count dropped so low that she could depart at any time. But the whole ordeal not only greatly edified her family, but also the local church. Many members started pondering on the meaning of life and diligently prayed for her. We really thank God that we are able to see such a great transformation in her. It is a miracle that has inspired the whole church. May God continue to help and guide Sister Steffi.
Manna 嗎哪 56 (1)