9. Manna issue 86 - God Loves Sinners 神愛罪人
Carlos Juan—Tampa, Florida, USA 美國佛州坦帕 Carlos Juan
LIFE BEFORE KNOWING GOD 信主前的生活
In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I bear testimony.
奉主耶穌基督聖名作見證。
I moved from Puerto Rico to Florida, USA, when I was five years old.
My family is middle class and I received a good education.
My parents are still married today, and I grew up with a lot of love and support.
But despite these things, I went down the wrong path.
I cannot point to a specific moment where everything went wrong;
it was more like a series of events, where things gradually went from bad to worse.
我五歲的時候，從波多黎各搬到美國佛羅里達。
我的家庭是中產階級，我受過良好的教育。
我的父母今天仍然維持婚姻，而我身在愛與父母的支持下長大。
但是儘管有這些事情，我還是走錯了路。
我更是無法指出，到底是那個特定時間發生了錯誤；
它比較像是一連串的事件，而事情逐漸變得越來越糟。
When I was eight or nine years old,
I was molested by a family friend who was babysitting us.
I knew intuitively that this was a shameful and disgusting act,
but as a child I could not process that what had just occurred was wrong.
The perpetrator made it seem as if it was normal.
Perhaps, if I had told my parents,
I would have received the support that I needed to overcome this trauma.
Maybe all I needed was a loving embrace and some encouraging words from my mother
to tell me that everything would be alright.
But I did not know any better and I dared not tell a soul.
From that point on, I became numb to the world,
and I navigated through life with a broken moral compass.
Everything bad did not seem as such,
and consequences did not have the same impact on me as it did on others.
我八九歲的時候
我被一個來我們家，幫忙照顧小孩的朋友所騷擾。
我憑直覺就知道，這很丟臉，和一種令人嘔心的行為，
但是小時候，我無法處理剛剛發生的錯事。
犯人使那件事，看起來好像是正常的。
也許，如果我告訴父母，
我將得到，克服這種創傷，所需的支持。
也許我所需要的，只是愛的擁抱和母親的安慰之言
告訴我，一切都會更好。
但是我沒有更好的辨法，也不敢告訴任何人。
從那時起，我變得對世界感覺麻木了，
我帶著破損的良心指針，走著自已的人生道路。
壞事看起並沒有什麼不好，
發生在我身上的影響，並沒有給予他人的相同的後果。
Descending into Darkness 沉入黑暗中
In my early teens, I was blessed to go to a private school,
where I was actively involved in sports.
But I was lost.
I led multiple lives: one at home, one at school,
and one on the streets with the neighborhood kids.
I tried hard to fit in.
At thirteen, I picked up a cigarette,
and quickly moved on to marijuana.
By my late teens, I would buy a box of fifty cigars,
split them open and replace the tobacco with marijuana.
I would be high all day.
I experimented with everything:
ecstasy, LSD, Xanax, cocaine and alcohol.
Ecstasy will destroy you mentally:
it plays with the brain’s melatonin and serotonin levels;
I have trouble sleeping to this day.
Xanax is a muscle relaxant that slows your heart rate and can be fatal if abused.
I have had several friends die in their sleep from mixing Xanax and alcohol.
I have blacked out and woken up in strange places
—on the floor in a random house, in my front yard, in a car with the engine running in an empty parking lot
—with no idea how I got there.
在我十幾歲的時候，很幸運去就讀一所私立學校，
在那裡，我曾積極參與很多運動。
但是我卻迷失了。
我過著多種不同型式的生活：在家是一種型式，而學校是另外一種，
與附近街頭孩子們相處時，又是另外一種。
我很努力去適應情況。
十三歲時，我拿起一支煙，
並很快馬上就轉移到大麻。
在我快二十歲的時候，就會買一盒五十支雪茄，
並將它們拆開，用大麻替換裡面的煙草。
我整天都在吸毒一直很興奮很 High。
我嘗試了每一樣毒品：
興奮劑，LSD，Xanax，古柯鹼和酗酒。
興奮劑會摧毀你思考的能力：
它會混亂大腦內的褪黑激素和血清素的正常平衡。
直到今日，我還是有睡眠障礙。
Xanax是一種肌肉鬆弛劑，可降低您的心跳率，如果濫用就可能會致命。
我有幾個朋友，因為混合 Xanax 和酒精使用，因而在睡眠中喪命。
我曾在陌生的地方昏倒，又在奇怪的地方醒來，
-倒在任意遇到房屋的地板上，在自已家前院地上，汽車停在空曠的停車場，但引擎卻卻一直發動著，
-但不知道自已怎麼跑到那裡的。
By age twenty-five, I was a mess, with no clue as to how I came to be like this.
By this time, I already had a child, but was completely out of control.
My parents had lost all hope.
My friends and I put poison on the streets,
selling large amounts of marijuana and cocaine.
We got into fights and drank till we passed out.
I can look back now and see how stupid it was;
there were many times I acted recklessly and put my life at risk, narrowly avoiding death.
It is only by God’s mercy that I am still here today.
到了25歲，我已經一團糟，完全不知道自己是如何變成這樣的。
就在這個時候，我已經有一個孩子了，但是自已已經完全失控。
我的父母失去了所有希望。
我和朋友在街上販毒，
販賣大量的大麻和古柯鹼，
我們常陷入街頭爭中，喝酒喝到昏死過去。
我現在回頭看，發現過去是多麼愚蠢。
我有很多次魯莽的行為，冒著生命危險，險些無法避免死亡。
今天我可以仍在這裡，全靠神的憐憫。
Turning Points 轉捩點
My friend Americo once said to me,
“If you look back and replay different moments in your life,
you can see that Jesus was with you all along.”
我的朋友美國佬曾經對我說，
“如果回頭看，重新經歷生活中不同的時刻，
您可以發現，耶穌一直與您同在。”
One day, I prayed to God to deliver me from my dependency on drugs.
I was basically high all the time, and I no longer wanted to live like this.
I was not sure who I was praying to, but I prayed in faith.
Amazingly, after that prayer, every time I smoked marijuana I began to experience panic attacks.
So I stopped taking drugs altogether.
However, my addiction moved to alcohol,
to the extent that I would drink an entire bottle of tequila in one go.
Once again, I reached another breaking point,
so I prayed to God again,
since it had worked the first time.
Sure enough, I started to become sick whenever I drank alcohol,
so I gave that up.
It is unusual to quit alcohol and drugs so easily.
I still did not believe in God,
but, looking back,
I can see that He saved me from the worst physical and emotional effects of long-term drug and alcohol addiction.
Now, there are times I am forgetful and distracted
—but at least I can pray, read and remember the word of God.
有一天，我向神祈禱，使我擺脫對毒品的依賴。
我一直都整天嗑藥持續興奮中，然而我不再想過這樣的生活。
我不確定可向誰祈禱，但我是憑信心祈禱的。
很奇妙的是，祈禱之後，每次我抽大麻的時候，就會感到驚恐發作。
所以我完全停止吸毒。
但是，我的上癮轉變成酗酒，
以至於我可以一口氣就喝一整瓶龍舌蘭酒的程度。
再一次，我走到了另一個轉折點，
所以我又向神祈禱，
因為第一次很有功效。
果然，之後每當我沾了一滴酒，就會覺得噁心，
所以我停止喝酒。
能夠如此輕易地戒掉酒和毒品，是很不尋常的。
然而我仍然不相信神，
但是，回頭看的時候，
我可以看到，祂使我免於長期吸毒和酗酒，隨之而來對身體和心理嚴重的影響。
現在，有好幾次我有健忘和分心的情況，
-但是至少我可以禱告，讀經並記住神的話。
When I initially got into selling drugs,
I set the goal of making five thousand dollars, and then I would quit.
But then five thousand turned to ten thousand, and ten turned to twenty.
You become accustomed to making easy money,
and working a regular job becomes challenging.
Eventually, I got involved in music production, nightclub promotions and concerts.
Seeing this as my way out,
I partnered with someone in the industry
and we set up a legitimate marketing company,
where we expanded into graphics, printing and sign-making for small businesses.
I felt like I was finally getting my life back on track.
當我最初涉足毒品的時候，
我設定了賺五千美元的目標，然後就會辭職。
但是當五千的目標變成一萬元，一萬元變成二萬元的時候。
您變成很習慣了賺快錢，
要從事平常的工作，就變得很困難。
最後，我參與音樂製作，推廣夜店，和演唱會的工作。
認為這是我的出路，
我與某業內人士合夥，
我們成立了一家合法的營銷公司，
在公司裡，我們擴大觸及到了小公司的圖片設計，印刷和招牌製作的生意。
我覺得，自己終於可以讓生活重回正軌。
SEARCHING FOR GOD 尋找神
Around this time, I had an encounter with a fortune-teller,
who shared things about my personal life that no one else knew.
I know now that fortune-tellers play for the wrong team
—they are not from God
—but this incident started me on my journey in search for the truth.
就大約在這個時候，我遇到了一個算命師，
他說了一些我個人的生活情況，而這些事從沒有人知道。
我現在知道，算命師為另一邊錯誤的團隊出力
-他們不是來自神的這一邊
-但這件事，促使我開始了尋找真相的旅程。
I was very serious about searching for God, but I am a skeptical person.
I went about it logically,
visiting Buddhist temples, Catholic churches (my family are devout Catholics),
and reading up on all the different world religions.
I practiced Santeria (a Cuban religion, mixing African voodoo with Catholicism),
New Age and different types of meditation.
But after all my searching and praying, Jesus would dominate my thoughts.
我非常認真地尋找神，但我卻是一個抱持懷疑態度的人。
我會想用邏輯來解釋神的事，
參觀佛教寺廟，天主教堂（我家人是虔誠的天主教徒），
並讀完所有不同的世界宗教著作。
我信了 Santeria 薩泰里亞教（古巴宗教，將非洲巫毒教與天主教融合在一起），
採用新世紀和不同類型的冥想方法。
但是在我所有的搜尋和祈禱之後，耶穌卻主宰我的想法。
As I was looking for work one day,
I stumbled across a daycare where I could give a quote for a sign replacement.
This was when I met Brother Randy, Deacon Solgot’s son.
When I told him that I could return on Saturday to replace the sign,
he said that he would be at church that day.
I was intrigued by a church that worshiped on Saturdays,
so I told him that I would like to go with him.
有一天，我在找工作的時候，
我偶然發現了一家託兒中心，我可以給他們一個替換新招牌的報價。
那是我遇到蘭迪弟兄的時候，他是執事索爾格特的兒子。
當我告訴他，我可以在星期六，回來替他們換新招牌的時候，
他說，他那一天會待在教會。
聽到教會在星期六作禮拜，讓我很感興趣，
所以我告訴他，我想和他一起去。
To Randy’s surprise,
I turned up at the True Jesus Church in Tampa that Saturday with my younger son,
who was three years old.
I remember feeling so welcomed.
I grew up with a Catholic background,
where the atmosphere of worship was very reserved.
So when I experienced the loud praying in tongues of the True Jesus Church,
I was not sure how I felt.
I had previously attended a Pentecostal church close to my home,
but their tongue-speaking was not the same.
In fact, my son had been afraid at that experience.
On the surface, they were worshipping God with the right intentions,
but now I can see clearly that the spirit was wrong.
In contrast, when my son and I witnessed the prayers of the True Jesus Church members,
we were not afraid, and everyone seemed normal when they got up afterwards.
My son knew before I did that this was the right church,
which is something I hold dear to this day.
It took longer for me to be convinced.
For a period of six months, I would come and go and ask many questions.
Even after receiving the Holy Spirit, like doubting Thomas,
I continued to look elsewhere for the truth.
Yet, the Holy Spirit always led me back to the True Jesus Church.
讓蘭迪出乎意料的是，
那個星期六，我和小兒子一起來到坦帕的真耶穌教會，
小兒子他那時只有三歲。
我記得，當時感到很受歡迎。
我從小有天主教的背景，
那裡禮拜的氣氛，是非常保守的。
因此，當我經歷了，真耶穌教會的靈言大聲祈禱的時候，
我那時不確定，自己有何感受。
我以前，參加過住家附近的五旬節教會，
但是他們說靈言的方式，是不一樣的。
實際上，我的兒子對那次的經歷，感到很害怕。
表面上，他們有正確的意圖在敬拜神，
但是現在，我可以清楚地分別，那種靈是錯誤的靈。
相反，當我兒子和我，目睹真耶穌教會信徒的祈禱時，
我們並不害怕，後來每個人坐起床來時，都看起來都很正常。
我兒子在我下決定之前，就知道這教會，才是正確的教會，
這也是我直到今日，都感到很珍惜的一件事。
我花了更長的時間，才能信服。
在這六個月的時間裡，我會來來去去，問了很多問題。
即使在得到了聖靈之後，就像多馬產生的懷疑一樣，
我繼續在別處，尋找真理。
然而，聖靈總是引導我，回到真耶穌教會。
Receiving the Holy Spirit 得到聖靈
About three months in, I received the Holy Spirit while praying at church.
Suddenly, my tongue started to roll and I knew I had received the Holy Spirit.
Even though I am an anxious person, in that moment, I felt no fear.
It was as if there was no one else around me
—it was just me and God.
大約三個月後，我在會堂禱告時，得到了聖靈。
突然，我的舌頭開始滾動，我知道自已已經得到了聖靈。
即使我是一個很會焦慮的人，那一刻，我卻沒有感到任何恐懼。
好像，我周圍沒有了其他人，
-就只有我和神單獨在一起。
However, even after this experience, I had my doubts.
As with many people in my situation, I could not shake off my skepticism.
We humans are constrained by the laws of nature,
but when God gets involved, He bends those laws.
Our brains do not have the capacity to process this kind of information.
I began to question God and the Holy Spirit in prayer.
I fasted and meditated for four days to gain clarity,
but would refuse to pray, believing that the movement of my tongue was something I was controlling.
I was testing God.
For those four days, I felt empty and was a complete mess.
By the fourth day, I had had enough,
but when I wanted to pray, I could not.
I called Brother Randy, who suggested that I put a prayer request to our prayer group,
which we facilitate through Google Hangout.
When it was time to pray,
I started to roll my tongue with my own effort.
But I knew this was futile, so I gave up.
But as I stood, I felt someone gently pushing me to kneel down and pray.
There was a fire in the pit of my stomach that wanted to burst out.
I started to pray, and it was one of the most powerful prayers I have ever experienced.
After a long prayer, I got up and felt full again
—full of joy and full of life.
It was an experience I could never forget;
God had answered my doubts.
Since that day, I have never doubted God again.
但是，即使有了這段體驗，我仍有很多懷疑。
就像我遇到的許多人有同樣的情況，我無法擺脫懷疑。
我們人類受自然法則的所束縛，
但是當神介入時，他便屈服了這些律法。
我們的大腦，沒有能力處理此類信息。
我開始在禱告中，質疑神和聖靈。
我禁食和冥想了四天，以使自己更加清晰，
但拒絕祈禱，因為我相信我的舌頭運動是我所控制的。
我在測試神。
在那四天裡，我感到空虛，一團混亂。
到第四天時，我已經受夠了，
但是當我想要禱告，卻是作不到。
我打電話給蘭迪弟兄，他建議我，向我們的禱告小組，提出代禱請求，
我們經由 Google Hangouts 軟體才完成這件事。
時間快到要禱告的時候
我開始用自已的力氣來轉動舌頭。
但是我知道這是白費力氣的，所以我放棄了。
但是當我站著的時候，我覺得有人輕輕地推我跪下來，開始禱告。
就好像有一團火，在我肚子裡，想要衝出來。
我開始祈禱，這是我經歷過的，最有力的禱告之一。
漫長的祈禱後，我站了起來，再次感到很充滿
- 充滿喜樂和活力。
這是我永遠不會忘記的體驗；
神已經回答了我的疑問。
從那天起，我再也沒有懷疑過神。
Finding Home
One time, I had a moment of crisis:
I started to feel out of place;
as I looked around the church,
I felt I could not relate to most of the other members.
We were just too different.
I felt the need to connect with someone who looked, talked, and thought like me.
That week, I received a phone call from an old friend who had given her life to the Lord.
I accepted her invitation to attend her church,
and was pleased to see a couple of people there from my time in the streets.
One of them used to be a Santeria priest.
He had even performed some animal sacrifices and rituals for me
when I was trying to avoid being arrested.
I was so glad to see that these old friends were alive and well,
and had completely turned their lives around to follow God.
I remember standing around in a circle with my old friends;
we all had these big goofy smiles on our faces.
I really felt at home with them.
But when the service began,
just as quickly as I had sat down, I got up and left.
Although I was grateful to see people who were just like me,
who had a heart to seek after God,
I felt as if something was missing.
It felt incomplete.
The Holy Spirit helped me to discern between true and false,
and led me back home to the True Jesus Church.
有一次，我有一股危機感：
並且開始感到不舒服。
然後，就開始環顧會堂的時候，
覺得我無法與大多數其他信徒有所連結。
我們實在是太過不一樣了
我覺得，有需要與一個看起來，說話和思考方式，都與我相似的人，保持聯繫。
那個星期，我接到一個老朋友打來的電話，她把生命獻給了神。
我接受了她的邀請，參加她教會的聚會，
很高興看到，那裡有我曾經在街頭時期，認識的人。
其中一位曾經是 Santeria 薩泰里亞教的祭師。
他甚至曾為我進行了一些動物獻祭和儀式，
在我當時想要躲避追輯的時候。
我很高興看到，這些老朋友還健在，
並且完全改變了生活方式，來信神。
我記得，和我的老朋友圍成一圈站著。
我們所有人的臉上，都掛著那樣開懷的愚蠢笑容。
與他們在一起的時候，我真的覺得很自在。
但是當聚會開始的時候
正當我快速坐下，很快，我就起身離開了。
儘管我很高興，見到像我一樣的人，
他們也有一顆心去追求神，
我覺得好像有些東西消失了。
感覺有些不完整。
聖靈幫助我，辨別真假，
帶領我回到真耶穌教會。
There are around forty thousand different Christian denominations.
Having attended a number of different churches,
I have a good understanding of how they have deviated from the early church of Acts.
They may appear to be joyful, loving Christians, who pray and serve God,
but there is always something missing.
The word of God says that the Spirit will lead us into all truth,
and without the Holy Spirit, we will not be able to recognize truth from heresy.
大約有四萬種不同的基督教教派。
因為參加過許多不同的教會之後，
我對他們，如何偏離早期的使徒行傳的教會，有不少的了解。
他們似乎看起來很快樂，是充滿愛心的基督徒，他們會禱告神，服事神，
但是總是缺少一些東西。
上帝的話說，聖靈將帶領我們進入所有真理，
若沒有聖靈，我們將無法辨別異端和真理。
SPIRITUAL BATTLES BEFORE BAPTISM 洗禮前的靈戰
In 2012, I decided to be baptized.
My older son chose not to join me (he would later be baptized in 2016),
and I was not sure if it was the right thing to baptize my younger son.
Before my own baptism, it seemed as though the universe was trying to stop me.
I had several nightmares and visions.
Things were tense at home and I was struggling to transition spiritually from the world to the church.
My younger son was supposed to be baptized on the same day as me, in June 2012,
but he got sick.
Although I was baptized, my son’s baptism had to be rescheduled.
I continued to have nightmares.
I had a dream that a black panther was stalking my son, carefully circling him.
On another occasion, I was asleep and I could feel a snake crawling on me.
I can remember the thickness of the snake and the feeling of it covering my neck.
I could feel its scales pinching my skin as it slithered across it.
I jumped up quickly and saw it on my bed.
After turning on the light, I watched it crawl under my bed, and then it disappeared.
I was terrified.
These events continued happening until both of my boys were baptized.
2012年，我決定受洗。
我大兒子選擇不和我一起受洗（他後來在2016年受洗），
我不確定，為小兒子施洗是否正確。
在我受洗之前，好像整個宇宙在試圖阻止我。
我有幾次惡夢和異象。
家裡的事情都很緊張，我正努力在屬靈上，從追求世界轉變成教會的事。
我的小兒子，本應於2012年6月與我同日受洗，
但是他生病了。
雖然我受洗了，但我兒子的洗禮必須重新安排。
我繼續做惡夢。
我夢見，黑豹在跟蹤我的兒子，小心翼翼地纏著他。
另外有一次，我睡著了，但我卻可以感覺到，有一條蛇在我身上爬行。
我還能記得，蛇身的粗細，以及它纏住脖子的感覺。
當蛇滑過皮膚的時候，我能感覺到它的鱗片夾到我的皮。
我迅速跳起來，在床上看到它。
打開燈後，我看著它在床下爬行，然後消失了。
我嚇壞了。
這些事件，一直持續到，我兩個兒子都受洗為止。
Although I was a skeptic, the presence of evil cannot be denied.
Paul writes that we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
but against powers and principalities (Eph 6:12).
Even though I had experienced all kinds of evil, fortune-tellers and voodoo priests,
I still wanted to deny these things and just live a normal life.
But my life—our lives as True Jesus Church members—is anything but normal.
儘管我保持著懷疑的態度，但邪惡的存在是無法否認的。
保羅寫道，我們不是與屬血氣的爭戰，
乃是與那些執政的、掌權的爭戰（弗 6:12）。
即使我經歷過各種邪惡，算命先生和巫毒教祭師，
我仍然想忽視這些東西，只要過著正常的生活就好。
但是我的生活（當我們身為真耶穌教會信徒的生活）除了沒有正常的生活之外，都有可能發生其他的問題。
Early on the morning of my younger son’s rescheduled baptism,
he had one of the worst asthma attacks he has ever had.
He had to go to hospital, and the baptism was again cancelled.
But after all I had experienced, I was certain he should be baptized.
At the third attempt, in October 2013,
my parents had planned a vacation for us,
but I was not going to miss this baptism for the world.
We woke up at 5 a.m. to drive one and a half hours to get there on time.
During the baptism, Brother Randy received a vision of the water and the sky turning red.
He started to cry.
Two families were baptized that day,
and I was encouraged by the accompanying signs.
小兒子重新安排洗禮的清晨，
他出現有史以來，幾次最嚴重的氣喘發作之一。
他不得不去醫院，洗禮再次取消。
但過去所有的經歷，我確信，他應該受洗。
在2013年10月的第三次嘗試中，
我父母幫我們計劃了去渡假，
但是，我不會再因這個世界，而錯過洗禮了。
我們在凌晨5點醒來，開車一個半小時，準時到達目的地。
洗禮期間，蘭迪弟兄看到水和天空變成紅色的異象。
他開始哭了。
那天有兩個家庭受洗，
隨之發生的異象，使我感到很安慰。
THE CHALLENGE OF TRANSFORMATION 改變的挑戰
Of course, baptism is not the end of the journey,
it is only the beginning.
Titus 3:5 mentions “the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit.”
I had to be continually renewed, but I took it one day at a time.
For a while, I would curse by mistake.
But thank God for His conviction and for the gift of reflection.
Through my prayers, I was able to see clearly God’s will for my life,
which was for me to start afresh with new friends, new ways of thinking and behaving.
I still live in my old neighborhood,
where I caused a lot of trouble for other people.
But miraculously, it is as if God has made me invisible to them,
so I never see anyone who may have a problem with me.
當然，洗禮不是旅程的終點，
僅僅是開始而已。
提多書三章5節提到“藉著重生的洗和聖靈的更新。”。
我必須不斷更新自已，，而會每日作一次反省更新。
有一段時期，我會突然間罵出髒話。
但是，感謝神賞賜我堅定的確信，以及讓我有反省的恩賜。
通過禱告，我可以清楚地看到神對我這一生的旨意，
就是使我重新開始，認識新朋友，有新的思維和行為方式。
我仍然住在老地方，
在那裡，我給別人帶來很多麻煩。
但很奇蹟的是，好像神使他們看不見我，
所以我從來沒有遇過任何人，可能會對我有問題。
When you make yourself available for God’s will,
He will lead you on a different path,
even when you remain in the same location.
I have had the honor of reaching out to several of my friends.
Some are happy for me, others think I am crazy.
But one of them has started coming to church, and another is baptized.
Thank God that He was willing to use me in this small way.
當你使自己順從神的旨意時，
他會帶領你走一條不同的道路，
即使你仍停在同樣的位置。
我很榮幸，有機會接觸到幾個我的朋友。
有些人為我感到高興，另一些人則認為我瘋了。
但是其中一個，已經開始來教會，另一個已經受洗。
感謝神，他願意在這種小地方，來使用我。
Learning to Let Go and Find Peace 學會放棄，找到平安
Today, six years after my baptism, I am still single.
This was extremely difficult at first,
after living the way I used to live.
But I wanted to do things the right way,
and wait for the woman God would choose for me.
到今天，在受洗六年之後，我仍然是單身。
在經過了我過去的生活方式。起初這件事非常困難，
但我想以正確的方式做事，
並等待神為我選擇的女人。
Less than two years into my Christian walk,
I met a beautiful woman with whom I had an amazing connection.
She was also a survivor of childhood abuse,
so we felt we could heal together.
But the more emotionally involved we got,
the less clearly I could hear God.
I could not focus in church services.
Eventually, Brother Randy pulled me aside and expressed his concern.
I thank God for his support and encouragement,
because in that moment I realized that I had to make a choice.
在我信主不到兩年的時候，
我遇到了一個美麗的女人，而她與我有著很奇妙的連結。
她也是兒童虐待的倖存者，
所以我們覺得，我們可以互相安慰。
隨著我們在感情上的牽連越多，
我就不太能清楚地聽見神的聲音。
我沒辨法在專心於教會的事奉。
最終，蘭迪弟兄把我拉到一邊，表達了他的擔心。
我很感謝神的幫助和鼓勵，
因為在那一刻，我意識到自已必須有所選擇。
I thought it would be easy to end the relationship.
But feelings are funny, and can rise up when least expected.
One day, I was at home, having a shower and speaking to God in my heart.
I began to question why He would allow this to happen to me.
After surviving abuse and depression,
and going through all kinds of terrible experiences,
it felt like meeting this woman was the one good thing to happen to me.
So for God to say that she does not belong to me felt so unfair.
The realization hit me that I was a victim of abuse and that I could be alone forever.
I was on my knees, crying in the shower
—I was falling into a dark place, spiritually and emotionally, and I needed to be lifted up.
Then, a piece of Scripture came to my mind:
我以為，可以很容易就結束戀情。
但是感情是很有趣的，會在最沒有期望的時候，越加熱烈。
有一天，我在家裡洗澡，心裡對神禱告。
我開始質疑，為什麼他會讓這事發生在我身上。
在通過了虐待和心情沮喪之後，
經歷各種各樣可怕的體驗，
感覺遇到這個女士，是發生在我身上的一件好事。
因此，當神說她不屬於我是，感覺很不公平。
我意識到，我是虐待的受害者，而且我會永遠孤獨。
我跪著禱告，在淋浴中哭泣，
-我在屬靈和情感上，都陷入了一個黑暗的地方，而我需要被提升。
然後，我想到了一段聖經：
“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you;
seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.
For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened.” (Lk 11: 9–10)
9我又告訴你們，你們祈求，就給你們；尋找，就尋見；叩門，就給你們開門。
10因為，凡祈求的，就得著；尋找的，就尋見；叩門的，就給他開門。
(可 11：9-10)
This strengthened me to say to God,
“This is what you have promised, Lord. I am asking for nothing but some encouragement.”
In that moment, I felt a complete peace;
I knew that God was going to answer my prayer.
I was even excited to see how He would do it.
After this, I went to the mall, but everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.
Someone took the parking space I was going to take;
the person in front of me at the tea shop dropped his change on the floor, holding up the queue.
As I walked out toward the food court, three church members crossed my path.
They were new to my local church, and lived nowhere near the mall
—in fact, in a different city.
But their reservation at a restaurant was cancelled,
so they decided to get ice cream at the mall.
These unlikely events meant that I was entering the food court just as they were leaving
—God’s arrangement.
Indeed, when we sat down to talk, they gave me the words of encouragement that I needed to hear.
這經節給我加添力量，對神說：
“這是你所應許的，神啊。 我只要求一些安慰。”
那一刻，我感到完全的平靜。
我知道，神會回應我的禱告。
我甚至想看祂到底會怎麼做，因而覺得很興奮。
之後，我去了購物中心，但所有可能出問題的地方，都一一出事了。
有人搶了我想要停的車位；
茶館裡，我前面的那個排隊的人，把零錢放在地板上，佔位子。
當我走開，向美食廣場去的時候，三個教會信徒越過我經過的路。
他們是剛來本地教會的新人，跟本就沒有住在購物中心附近，
-實際上，就是另一個城市。
但是他們預訂的一家餐廳，被取消了，
所以他們決定要吃購物中心的冰淇淋。
這種不太可能會發生的事件，就是我正要進入美食廣場，而他們正要離開
—這就是神的安排。
確實，當我們坐下來聊天的時候，他們給了我，正需要聽到的安慰之詞。
A few months later, I was still speaking to my female companion,
but I knew I had to choose between my faith and my friendship with her.
For a few days, I had strange dreams about seeing her car,
but the car was always empty.
A couple days later, she told me she had similar dreams too:
she would keep seeing my car on the road, but it would also be empty.
She asked me, “What do you think it means?”
But I knew what it meant—I told her we could not talk any more.
By then, I was pretty rooted in the truth and could see where God was leading me.
Unfortunately, she had come to church a few times, but still had her doubts.
She was headed in a different direction, so we had to go our separate ways.
幾個月後，我仍會和女伴聊天，
但是我知道，我要在信仰，及與她的友誼之間，做出選擇。
有幾天，我有怪夢，看到她的車，
但是車裡總是空著。
幾天後，她告訴我，她也有類似的怪夢：
她會一直在路上看到我的車，但車裡也是空著。
她問我，“你認為，這是什麼意思呢？”
但是我知道這是什麼意思-我告訴她，我們再也不能連絡了。
那時，我的信仰緊緊紮根在真理上，且可以看出，非要帶領我到那裡去。
不幸的是，她來過教會幾次，但仍然抱有她的疑慮。
她朝著不同的方向走去，所以我們不得不走分別各走各的路。
Without the Holy Spirit, we are like a leaf blown by the wind.
We will try to use our own logic to figure out where God is.
I feel privileged to have received the Holy Spirit,
because I have never been so rooted in the word of God as I am now.
若沒有聖靈，我們就像被風吹散的葉子。
我們體試著運用自己的邏輯思考，想找出神在哪裡。
我感到很榮幸，已經領受了聖靈，
因為我從未像現在這樣，深深紮根於神的聖言中。
REFLECTIONS ON GOD’S CALLING 神呼喚的反省
There were many moments in my life when I could have gone to prison or been killed.
I have suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts.
There have even been times on my Christian walk that I wanted to give up.
But it is only by God’s mercy that I am still here.
我一生中，有很多時候，可能會被送入監獄，或是被殺。
我患有抑鬱症，又被自殺念頭所困擾。
甚至走在基督徒路上的時候，有好幾次，我都想放棄。
只因神的憐憫，我才仍可在這裡。
My sons are now aged ten and twenty.
They have both seen the change in me.
The elder one has been with me throughout this journey of soul-searching and seeking God.
He came with me to Buddhist temples, fortune-tellers, and so on.
He was old enough to understand what was going on and decide what he believed.
I did not have to force anything.
He wrote me a touching Father’s Day card one year,
saying that even though I had not been a father to him for much of his life,
I was there for the best part—when I introduced him to God.
我的兒子現在，一個十歲，另一個二十歲。
他們兩個，都看到了我身上的變化。
在我探索靈魂，和尋找神的整個旅程中，老大一直在我身邊。
他和我一起去了佛教寺廟，找算命先生，等等。
他年紀夠大了，可以理解發生了什麼事情，並決定自己要相信什麼。
我不必強求任何事。
有一年，他寫給我一張很感人的父親節卡片，
上面說，即使我沒有在他大部份的生命中，給他作一個好父親，
我陪他最好的時刻，就是當我把神介紹給他認識的時候，。
Both my sons know about my past and all the negativity that came with it.
I think it is right for them to know,
because the lifestyle of the streets holds a certain mystique for young people.
But I want to teach my sons that Jesus Christ is cool, and that He is the true revolutionary.
我的兩個兒子都知道，我有什麼過去，以及隨之而來的消極情緒。
我認為給他們知道這些，是正確的，
因為混街頭的生活方式，對年輕人有一定的神秘感。
但是我想教導兒子，耶穌基督是很酷的，祂才是真正的更新者。
In prayer, God has impressed these Scriptures on my heart:
禱告中，神在我心中留下這些經節的印象：
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying:
“Whom shall I send,
And who will go for Us?”
Then I said, “Here am I! Send me.”(Isa 6:8)
8我又聽見主的聲音說：我可以差遣誰呢？誰肯為我們去呢？我說：我在這裡，請差遣我！
(賽 6：8)
And He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.
He who believes and is baptized will be saved;
but he who does not believe will be condemned. (Mk 16:15–16)
15他又對他們說：你們往普天下去，傳福音給萬民（萬民：原文是凡受造的）聽。
16信而受洗的，必然得救；不信的，必被定罪。
(可 16：15-16)
If Brother Randy had not invited me to church,
there is a possibility I could be dead or in jail.
So these two verses affirm my calling to me,
and I take my calling very seriously.
若蘭迪弟兄沒有邀請我去教會，
我有可能已經死了，或是被送到監獄。
所以這兩節經文，對我印證了神的呼喚，
我非常認真地看待神的呼喚。
The calling of God seems so clear to some people, but not so much for others.
I believe the call is equally clear to all, but only some are open to listening.
There is a clear divide between good and evil,
and the existence of the one true God only becomes clearer
as you read the word, pray and attend church services regularly.
對某些人來說，神的呼喚似乎很清楚明白的，而對有些人，神的呼喚就不太明顯。
我相信，對所有人而言，神的呼喚都同樣的清晰，但是只有某些人，願意打開耳朵傾聽。
善與惡之間有明顯的分界，
當您研讀聖經，定期祈禱，參加教會禮拜的時候，
獨一真神的存在，才會變得更加明顯。
I am too scared to preach on the pulpit,
but I love to invite people to church and reach out to those who are lost, and share my testimony.
This is our true purpose: to use the gifts God has given us to glorify Him.
If cleaning is how you glorify God, then do it to the best of your ability.
I do what I can for the Lord, whenever I can.
I fall often along my journey, but get right back up.
For me, the evidence of God's existence lies in the change that takes place in all of our hearts,
and this motivates me every day to keep fighting the good fight.
我太害怕在講台上講道了，
但我喜歡邀請他人來教會，與那些迷失的人接觸，並分享我的見證。
這就是我們存在的真實目的：使用神給我們的恩賜，來榮耀祂。
如果從事清潔工作，是您榮耀神的方式，那麼就盡力而為。
只要有可能，我會為主盡已所能。
在信仰的旅途中，我經常跌倒，但馬上就站起來。
對我來說，神存在的證據，在於我們大家心中，所發生的變化，
這激勵著我，每天堅持下去，打美好的仗。
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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