1. Manna issue 60 - How I Found My Spiritual Family 我如何找到屬靈的家
From emptiness and hopelessness to love and joy. 自空虛絕望進入慈愛與喜樂
Molica Nol—Pacifica, California, USA 美國加州太平洋教會
HAPPY ON THE OUTSIDE 外面的喜悅
I was born on April 16, 1993.
My mom was sixteen years old
and my dad wasn’t even there for my birth.
Soon after, he got put into prison for shooting someone,
and my mom wanted to give me up for adoption.
Thank God, my grandparents fought for me and became my guardians.
It is because of them that
I can be here in True Jesus Church and have brothers and sisters in Christ.
我出生於 1993 年 4 月 16 日。
當時我媽媽只有十六歲，
而我爸爸甚至沒來陪伴我的出生。
沒過多久，他因為射擊別人而受捕入獄，
我媽媽想把我送去領養。
感謝主，我外祖父母為我而奮鬥，成為我的監護人。
正因為有他們，
我才能在真耶穌教會這裡，擁有主內的弟兄姊妹。
Growing up without a father figure was hard for me,
and I struggled every day because I didn’t have anyone to look up to.
As I got older I started hating my life more and more.
I really thought there was no point to life.
我成長因為沒有父親形象而很艱難，
我每天都在掙扎，因為沒有任何榜樣可以仰望學習。
隨著年齡的增長，我開始越來越討厭自已的生活。
我真的覺得人生毫無意義。
When I entered high school, my depression got worse.
Every single day I would repeat in my head,
“I want to kill myself.”
I felt emptiness inside my heart,
and I thought that there was nothing that could replace that emptiness or fill it.
當我進入高中時，自已的憂鬱變得很嚴重。
每一天我腦海都會重複著：
“我想殺了自已。”
我覺得內心空虛，
認為沒有任何東西能夠取代那種空虛或是填滿它。
I hated my life with a passion because high school was difficult
—I felt like no one cared about me,
everyone had boyfriends or girlfriends,
and I wanted to be cool, but being cool didn’t make me feel better.
我非常痛恨自已的生活，因為高中很艱難
—我覺得沒有人會在乎自已，
大家都有男女朋友，
而我也想要變得很特殊，但變得特殊並不會讓我覺得好些。
During my freshman year I would always sneak out and party to try to find happiness.
For that short moment I always felt like I was on cloud nine,
but really I was making a fool of myself.
And I never felt truly happy.
在我大學一年級的時候，我總會偷偷溜出去參加派對，試圖尋找快樂。
在那短暫的時刻，我總覺得自己身處九霄雲端，
但其實我只是愚弄自己而已。
而我從未感到真正的快樂。
My partying and depression got worse.
I seemed happy on the outside
but inside I was dying slowly and darkness clouded my heart.
Loving people and trusting them were hard for me.
I thought that everyone was out to get me;
I was always paranoid about telling anyone anything.
我的派對活動和憂鬱情況變得更糟了。
外表上我看起來很開心，
但內心卻在慢慢死去，黑暗籠罩了我內心。
對我來說，關愛別人和信任他人變得很困難。
我以為大家都在針對我，
總是疑心而不願對任何人吐露心聲。
I transferred to a new high school in January 2008.
I was worried about it at first because I had to make new friends,
but it turned out to be okay
—except that everyone that I was friends with was into drugs and alcohol.
At the time I thought
that it was normal for teenagers to use drugs and drink,
so I wasn’t worried that it was wrong.
2008 年 1 月，我轉到一所新的高中。
一開始我還有點擔心，因為我必須要結交新朋友，
但結果還算不錯
—除了與大家結交朋友之外，還沉迷於毒品和酒精。
當時我以為，
青少年吸毒喝酒是正常的，
所以我並不擔心這有什麼錯。
LOSING HOPE 失去盼望
After a month at the new school,
I found out that I would be moving
across the country to California after the school year ended to live with my uncle.
I saw him maybe twice a year and barely talked to him.
I only knew that he was a pastor and traveled a lot.
I didn’t see the point of living with someone who’s never home.
在新學校待了一個月之後，
我得知學年結束後自已會橫跨國內搬到加州，和我叔叔一起住。
我每年大概只見過他兩次，幾乎很少和他說過話。
我只知道他是一位牧師，經常要四處旅行。
我不明白和一個從不在家的人一起住有什麼意義。
Knowing that I was moving for sure made me completely lose hope for everything.
I didn’t believe that my life would get any better.
I always looked on the negative side
because it seemed like everything had gone wrong my whole life
and I was never happy.
確定自已要搬家時，讓我對一切徹底失去了盼望。
我不相信自已的生活會有所改善。
我總是抱持負面的態度，
因為我整個人生似乎一切都出了問題，
而我從未真正感到快樂。
I got depressed whenever I thought about the move,
and when I told my friends that I was moving,
none of them believed me.
They didn’t care because they thought I was joking.
每當想到搬家時，我就感到沮喪。
當我告訴朋友自已要搬家時，
他們都不相信我。
他們不在乎，因為他們以為我在開玩笑。
Everything turned bad for me:
my school, my friends, and my family.
I was failing in school because I never wanted to go,
and I never paid attention in class.
My friendships ended
because they were people I should never have trusted in the first place.
My family was never close like a real family
—it was a broken home where everyone was either partying or gambling,
and no one was ever around.
對我來說，一切都變得糟糕：
學校，朋友，家庭。
我在學校成績不佳，因為我從不想去上學，
課堂上也從不專心聽講。
我的友誼也結束了，
因為那些人本來就不該去信任。
我的家庭也不像真正的家庭那樣親密，
—那是一個破碎的家，
每個人要麼在派對，要麼在賭博，
沒有人真正關心彼此。
By the end of the school year things got so bad
that I wanted to kill myself
and suffer by hurting and cutting myself as much as I could.
I kept telling myself,
“I’m nothing, I’m stupid, I’m worthless, and no one cares about me.”
I didn’t care about anything or anybody,
even the people that loved me.
學期結束時，情況變得很糟糕，
我甚至想要自殺，
並想盡可能傷害和割傷自己來折磨。
我不停告訴自己，
“我一無是處，我很笨，我毫無價值，沒有人在乎我。”
我不關心任何事、任何人，
甚至是那些愛我的人。
As school was about to end,
I thought about committing suicide by jumping off a bridge
because I thought that was the easiest way to die.
But someone made me realize that
there’s more to life than waiting for death.
就在學校要結束時，
我想過可以跳下橋來自殺，
因為我認為，那是最簡單的死法。
但有人讓我明白，
生命不只是等待死亡，還有更多的意義。
One of my closest friends, who is like a sister to me now, said,
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
It really taught me that
even though I couldn’t start my life over again,
I could start new today and make a different ending for myself.
我一位最親密的朋友，現在她像是我姐妹一樣，對我說：
“沒有人可以回到過去重新開始，
但是大家都可以今天開始，創造一個新結局。”
這讓我深受啟發，
即使我無法重新開始自已的人生，
我可以開始新的今日開始，為自己創造一個不同的結局。
EXPERIENCING GOD 體驗神
I was ready to start fresh once I moved to California,
but I actually felt more sad
because I lost most of my friends,
and I couldn’t see my family as much as before.
當我搬到加州時，我已經準備好重新開始，
但我實際上感到更加悲傷，
因為我失去了大部分的朋友，
也無法像以前那樣常常見到自已的家人。
But when my uncle brought me to True Jesus Church,
I felt the love of the brother and sisters.
Even the members who couldn’t speak English
would put in that effort to say Hi or Ni hao whenever they saw me.
Never in my life have I met such nice and compassionate people.
但當我叔叔帶我去真耶穌教會時，
我感受到了弟兄姐妹的關愛。
即使是那些不會說英文的信徒，
每次見到我的時候，都會努力跟我說“Hi”或“你好”。
在我的人生中，從未遇過這樣善良和有同情心的人群。
I enjoyed going to church and learning about the Bible.
I discovered that God is a great God,
and His love is manifested in the brothers and sisters in church.
Whenever I stepped into church,
I felt peace in my heart that I had never known.
It’s a feeling I can’t describe.
我很享受去教會和學習聖經。
我發現神很偉大，
祂的愛就展現在教會中的弟兄姐妹身上。
每當我踏進教會時，
心中就會感覺到前所未有的平安。
那是一種我無法言語形容的感覺。
My life changed completely in the summer of 2008
because I experienced God for the first time in my life.
It was the most heartwarming feeling ever.
在 2008 年夏天，我的人生徹底改變了，
因為我第一次在生命中體驗到神。
那是一種曾未有過超級溫暖人心的感覺。
The National Youth Theological Seminar (NYTS) was held in Northern California
and I got the chance to visit a few times.
Whenever I visited I would participate in the prayer sessions,
and through the longer prayers
I realized that I really wanted to change my life and receive the Holy Spirit.
全國青年神訓班（NYTS）在北加州舉行，
我有機會去參加了幾次。
每次參加時，我都會加入禱告會，
通過長時間的禱告，
我意識到自己真的想要改變人生，並且領受聖靈。
The first time I heard people praying in tongues
I thought that they sounded crazy.
But I came to understand that the Holy Spirit was a gift from God
and that I could be a different person if I received it.
I was pursuing the Holy Spirit in all my prayers
because I really wanted to stop being unhappy.
我第一次聽到別人用靈言禱告時，
覺得他們聽起來就是瘋了。
但是我後來明白，聖靈是神的恩賜，
如果我得到聖靈，自已就能成為一個不一樣的人。
在全部禱告中，我都在求聖靈，
因為我真的想要停止感覺到不快樂。
After Sabbath service during NYTS,
a sister asked me to pray with her and the rest of the students attending NYTS.
I replied “no” because I didn’t want to pray for some reason,
I just wanted to go home.
But it wasn’t time for us to leave, so I ended up praying with them.
在全國青年神訓班（NYTS）的安息日聚會後，
有一位姊妹請我與她及其他參加全國青年神訓班的學生一起禱告。
我回答“不要”，因為不知為何，我就是不想禱告，
我只想要回家。
但是那時還不到離開的時間，所以我最後還是和他們一起禱告。
When I knelt down I felt peace and joy come back to my heart.
I realized that I needed to pour out my heart to God
because He listens to our prayers.
I was finally ready to let go of my past and tell everything to God
because I knew He cared.
當我跪下時，我感覺到平安與喜樂回到內心。
我明白了，我需要向神傾心吐意，因為祂會垂聽我們的禱告。
我終於準備好放下自已的過去，向神訴說一切，
因為我知道祂會在乎。
As I prayed, I didn’t pray only for myself
but also interceded for other people
because I knew that I wasn’t suffering as much as they were suffering.
I felt a warm breeze,
and I could feel the Holy Spirit move in my body.
Then slowly I was speaking in tongues
and I finally felt God’s love and warmth upon me.
當我禱告時，我不僅為自己禱告，
也為其他人代禱，
因為我知道，他們正承受的痛苦比我現在更深。
我感受到一陣溫暖的微風，
可以感覺有聖靈在我體內運行。
然後，我慢慢的開始說出靈言，
終於感受到神給我的慈愛和溫暖。
After the prayer ended, tears of joy continued to run down my face.
I knew that God understood what I had gone through
and had listened to my requests.
My heart was finally at the destination it was looking for,
and it was a calm heart.
It was a feeling I couldn’t describe,
but God’s words could:
禱告結束後，喜悅的淚水不斷從我的臉上流下。
我知道，神知道我曾經經歷的事情，
並且垂聽到了我的祈求。
我的內心終於找到達了它一直尋找的歸宿，
那是一顆平靜的內心。
那是一種我無法形容的感覺，
但神的話語卻能表達出來：
Now hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts
by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
(Rom 5:5)
5盼望不至於羞恥，
因為所賜給我們的聖靈將神的愛澆灌在我們心裡。
（羅馬書 5:5）
FINDING MY SPIRITUAL FAMILY 找到自已屬靈的家
A few days after NYTS ended,
the Student Spiritual Convocation (SSC) took place at Garden Grove Church.
I was really excited to go
because it was my first time attending,
and I wanted to spend time with God
and pray for my cousin who hadn’t received the Holy Spirit yet.
全國青年神訓班（NYTS）結束後幾天，
園林教會舉行了學生靈恩會（SSC）。
我很興奮想去，
因為這是我第一次去參加，
我想要抽時間與神相處，
並且為我尚沒得到聖靈的表弟代禱。
One night at SSC, it was really hot and the air conditioner was broken,
so we had to open all the windows during the evening prayer in the chapel.
Afterward I felt really dizzy,
and as I was walking back to my seat
I could tell that I was about to pass out.
So I sat down on the closest pew and tried to breathe correctly.
學生靈恩會有一天晚上，天氣非常熱，而且空調卻壞了，
所以會堂晚間禱告會時，我們必須打開所有的窗戶。
之後我感到非常頭暈，
當我走回自已座位時，
我能感覺自己快要昏倒了。
於是我坐在最近的長椅上，試著調整呼吸。
Someone asked me what was wrong,
but I couldn’t hear clearly.
Then one of my counselors brought me into the side chapel
and laid me down and made sure I had enough water.
She started to hum my favorite hymns,
and it was the nicest feeling at the moment.
有人問我到底怎麼了，
但我聽不太清楚。
然後其中有一位輔導員把我帶去副堂，
讓我躺下，確保我喝了足夠的水。
她開始哼唱著我最喜歡的讚美詩，
當時那是最美好的感覺。
Soon more people came into the room
and I could hear them talking, making sure I was okay.
Then they began to pray for me,
and I felt the room fill with the Holy Spirit.
As they finished praying,
I was able to get up and go to my room and sleep.
I was touched by their love
because they took time to pray for me
when they could have been doing other things.
很快，有更多的人進入副堂，
我可以聽到他們在交談，確認我是否沒事。
然後他們開始為我禱告，
我覺得這個房間充滿了聖靈。
當他們結束禱告後，
我就能夠起身回到房間休息。
我被他們的關愛所感動，
因為他們花時間為我禱告，
而他們本來可以去做其他的事情。
I was sad about leaving SSC when it ended.
Even though I had only spent a few days with people I had never met before,
it felt like I had known them for years.
We all bonded as friends and as a spiritual family.
This was the family I had been searching for my whole life.
學生靈恩會結束時，我很難過。
儘管我只與那些從未見面的人相處了幾天，
但感覺就好像我們已經認識了很多年。
我們都緊密連繫成為朋友，也成為屬靈的家庭。
這正是我一生一直在尋找的家庭。
I really learned a lot from the other students at SSC.
They taught me how to relax and just be a kid for once.
They also taught me how to love
because they showed me so much love,
and they told me that it’s because of God’s love that they can love.
學生靈恩會時，我真的從其他學生身上學到了很多。
他們教我如何放鬆，可以就這樣像個孩子一樣。
他們也教我如何去關愛，
因為他們賦予了我滿滿的愛心，
並且告訴我，正是因為神的慈愛，他們才能夠去愛別人。
There was a Bible verse we read during SSC that really touched my heart:
在學生靈恩會期間，我們讀到了一節經文深深感動我的心：
But the fruit of the Spirit
is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness, self-control.
Against such there is no law.
(Gal 5:22, 23)
22聖靈所結的果子，
就是仁愛，喜樂，和平，忍耐，恩慈，良善，信實，
23溫柔，節制。
這樣的事沒有律法禁止。
（加 5：22，23）
It really moved me
because this verse teaches us that if we have the Spirit of God,
then we can have all these qualities, which God Himself has.
Through SSC, I finally found the path I had been looking for,
and I discovered that it’s the path of salvation.
I went home with a calm and pure heart,
knowing that God is my Savior and is the author and finisher of my faith.
這節經文感動了我，
因為它教導我們，如果我們擁有神的靈，
就能擁有這些神自己所具有的品德。
通過學生靈恩會（SSC），我終於找到了自已一直在尋找的道路，
並發現那是救恩的道路。
我帶著一顆平靜純潔的心回到家，
知道神是我的救主，是我信心的創始成終的救主。
EMBRACED BY GOD 神的擁抱
It is through God’s grace and mercy
that I was baptized at Pacifica Church
a few months after SSC with three other members of my family.
I truly believed that True Jesus Church was the only church that could save us.
I knew there was only one true God,
and He was the God we worshipped and prayed to.
靠著神的恩典和憐憫，
我與自已其他的三位家人在太平洋教會受洗，
在學生靈恩會結束幾個月之後。
我堅信真耶穌教會是唯一能夠拯救我們的教會。
我知道只有一位真神，
而祂正是我們所敬拜和禱告的神。
In my prayers during the spiritual convocation before baptism,
I made sure that I had repented for all of my sins.
As I repented, I felt that the burden that had been weighing down my heart
was finally lifted.
It felt like I was walking on air.
I knew God was listening to my prayers.
在受洗前的靈恩會禱告中，
我確保自己都悔改了所有的罪。
當我悔改時，感覺壓在心頭的重擔，
終於被卸下，
彷彿就像自己正走在雲端。
我知道神會聆聽我的禱告。
When we arrived at the baptismal site,
the water was just above freezing and the wind was so cold.
My uncle told me I had to be the brave one and enter the water first.
As I entered the icy-cold water,
I was repeating “hallelujah” in my heart.
當我們抵達洗禮地點時，
水溫是接近冰點，風也非常的寒冷。
我叔叔告訴我，必須要勇敢，首先進入水中。
當我進入冰冷的水中時，
我內心不停地重覆唸著“哈利路亞”。
My sinful body was submerged in the water in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.
As I slowly got out of the water, I felt warm.
God had just washed away my sins,
and it felt like He was embracing me with His arms.
奉主耶穌基督的聖名，我罪孽的身體浸入水中。
當我慢慢浮出水面時，我感到一陣溫暖。
神已經洗淨了我的罪，
感覺就像祂用雙臂擁抱我。
Since then, my family has noticed that
I have changed so much as a person.
My biggest weakness has always been anger.
I struggled with it every day
because the smallest things were enough to get me going.
When I got angry I didn’t think before I acted or spoke,
so I often hurt people’s feelings without knowing it
and yelled or punched things in my way.
自那時以來，我的家人已經注意到，
我個人已經改變了很多。
我最大的弱點就是常常都在生氣。
每天我都在與它抗爭，
因為即便是最小的事情也能讓我發火。
當我生氣時，沒有經過思考就會行動或說話，
因此不知不覺中，我經常傷害了別人的感情，
並會對著路上的東西喊叫或攻擊。
But after coming to Christ and receiving baptism,
I realized that none of these things would solve my problem.
When I am angry or frustrated,
instead of acting out right away,
I am able to take a step back and think to myself:
Is that what a Christian would do?
但在歸向基督並接受洗禮後，
我明白了這些行為都無法解決我的問題。
當我憤怒或沮喪時，
就不會再立刻發作，
反而是能夠退一步，問自己：
這是基督徒會做的行為嗎？
Living in a house where God is our priority
shows me that our family helps us understand what’s wrong and right
and whether the choices we make are according to God’s will.
I have learned that I need to rely on Him whenever I start to get angry.
Knowing that God is there for me
and won’t give up on me
no matter what is what helps me the most.
住在一個以神為優先的屋子裡，
讓我明白家人會幫助我們分辨對錯，
以及我們的決定是否符合神的旨意。
我學會了，當我開始生氣時，需要依靠祂。
知道神都與我同在，
並且永不放棄我，
無論發生什麼事，都是最能夠幫助我的事。
Weaknesses can be a way for God
to show the grace, understanding, and mercy He has for us.
I drew close to God through repenting of my sins
and changing the direction of my life.
Through His love and mercy
I have found my spiritual family and a calm and peaceful heart.
Most of all, I know now that God will never leave us hanging
when we need Him the most.
弱點可以成為神的一種方式，
向我們展現祂給我們的恩典，理解和憐憫。
我通過悔改自己的罪來親近神，
並改變人生方向。
藉著祂的慈愛和憐憫，
我找到了自已屬靈的家庭，
並擁有了沉靜和平安的內心。
最重要的是，我現在知道，神永遠不會讓我們孤立無援，
當我們最需要祂的時候。
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
歡迎主內同靈來信加入翻譯
