1. Manna issue 63 - Restored by God 神來復原
Esther Chiew—Vancouver, Canada 加拿大溫哥華
NO SENSE OF REALITY 沒有真實感
This past year has been one of the roughest and toughest of my life
but also the most blessed and joyous.
I sincerely thank God for my health and sanity.
I now understand that we will be victorious no matter what we face,
as long as we are standing on the side of God.
過去的一年是我一生中最艱難的一年，
但也是最幸福和喜樂的。
我真誠的感謝神賜給我健康和心智健全。
現在我明白了，無論我們面對什麼事，都會取得勝利，
只要我們站在神的那一邊。
In the summer of 2009, I started to suffer from insomnia.
I went to the doctor and he prescribed a very strong sleeping pill.
However, over the following few months,
I went back to my doctor three more times for new prescriptions
because the pills lost their effectiveness after a while
and I would suffer from insomnia again.
2009 年夏天，我開始會失眠。
我去看醫生，他開了一種很強的安眠藥。
然而，接下來的幾個月裡，
我又去多找了醫生三次，要尋求新的處方，
因為藥劑一段時間之後，就會失去了功效，
而我又會痛苦失眠。
By the end of August, the sleep deprivation started to manifest itself
after I hadn’t slept for several days.
My sense of reality was completely skewed:
I had no sense of night or day, the time or date,
and I couldn’t tell the difference between what was real and what was imaginary.
直到八月底，睡眠不足的情況開始顯現出來，
發生在好幾天我沒有睡覺之後。
我的現實感完全扭曲了：
我無法感知白天或黑夜，時間或日期，
我無法分辨什麼是真實，什麼是想像的。
My mother and sister supervised me all the time
because they knew that something was not right,
and they wanted to make sure that I was okay.
I started to feel less and less like myself
and more like my body was just an empty shell.
我的媽媽和姐姐一直照看著我，
因為他們知道有些事情不對勁，
他們想確認我很好。
我開始感覺越來越不像自己了，
更像是我的身體只是一個空殼。
In addition to these problems, I wasn’t eating.
They had to sit me down and practically force-feed me.
I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t sleeping.
All I would do was clean certain areas of the house over and over and over,
like someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
除了這些問題之外，我並沒有吃飯。
他們要強迫我坐下，幾乎就是給我強行餵食。
我沒有吃飯，也沒有睡覺。
一切我會做的事情，就是一遍又一遍地清掃房子的某些區域，
就像患有強迫症的人一樣。
Despite these issues, I was already enrolled in classes
and had bought textbooks in preparation for my final year of university.
When September rolled around, it was time to return to school.
儘管有這些問題，我已經報名要去上課了，
已經購買課本，為大學最後一年做準備。
直到九月來臨，又到了返回校園的時間。
However, on the first day of class,
my mom wouldn’t let me go by myself.
She ended up driving me to the campus and,
instead of letting me go to class,
she brought me to the university’s hospital.
然而，開學的第一天，
我媽媽不讓我自已一個人去。
她最終開車送我到校園，然後，
她沒有讓我去上課，
反而帶我去大學醫院。
Many different nurses, doctors, and psychologists evaluated me.
They confirmed that I was disoriented
and didn’t know where I was or what day it was.
None of them knew what was wrong with me,
but they all said I needed serious help now.
許多不同的護士、醫生和心理學家對我進行了評估。
他們證實我有定向感障礙，
不知道自已在哪裡，也不知道今天是什麼日子。
他們都不知道我出了什麼問題，
但他們都說，我現在需要特別的幫助。
NO SENSE OF SELF 沒有自我意識
I woke up some time later in a room I didn’t recognize.
My mom had taken me to Vancouver General Hospital
and I was admitted as a patient.
過了一段時間，我在一個我不認識的房間醒來。
我媽媽帶我去溫哥華綜合醫院，
我入院成為病人。
I was very paranoid because I didn’t know where I was,
and I believed that the staff was trying to take me away from my family.
I refused to tell anyone my name for fear of capture,
and I also refused to acknowledge that I knew who my friends and family were.
我很偏執，因為我不知道自己在哪裡，
我認為，工作人員想把我從家人身邊帶走。
我拒絕告訴任何人我的名字，以免被抓，
我也拒絕承認，自已知道我的朋友和家人是誰。
I didn’t want to take my medications
so the nurses had to force me to swallow the pills.
I also refused to eat, and I would wait for my mom to force-feed me.
I didn’t want to eat because I thought that the food was poisoned or drugged.
我不想吃藥，
所以護士要強迫我吞下藥片。
我也拒絕吃東西，會等媽媽給我餵食。
我不想吃東西，因為我認為食物有毒或下了藥。
My mom came to see me every day during visiting hours.
I could see the pain and tiredness in her,
yet she didn’t miss a day.
Every night, I could hear her crying as she sang hymns for hours
until she thought I fell asleep.
This is truly the love of a mother and for this love,
I am eternally grateful.
我媽媽每天醫院探訪時間都會來看我。
我可以看到她的痛苦和疲倦，
但她沒有錯過一天。
每天晚上，我都能聽到她哭著唱讚美詩好幾個小時，
直到她以為我睡著了。
這才是真正的母愛，為了這份愛，
我會永遠心存感激。
There was nothing to do at the hospital,
and I wasn’t interested in doing anything.
My life was reduced to eating, walking up and down the halls,
and waiting for my parents to appear.
I felt completely helpless.
I could not eat, sleep, or bathe on my own.
My mom had to feed me and help me shower every day.
去醫院也沒什麼事情可做，
我對做任何事情都不感興趣。
我的生活簡化到只剩下吃飯、在大廳裡走來走去，
並且等待父母的出現。
我感到完全無助。
我無法自已吃飯、睡覺或洗澡。
每天我媽媽都要餵我吃飯，幫我洗澡。
The person in the hospital had no resemblance to me.
Other than my face, everything about me was different:
My personality had melted away, my faith had disappeared,
and my Christian self seemed like a distant memory.
醫院裡的人都與我沒有任何相似之處。
除了我的臉之外，我的一切都不同了：
我的個性融化消失了，我的信仰不見了，
而基督徒的自我似乎成了一種遙遠的記憶。
I felt like a ghost.
It seemed like I simply existed
but was powerless to change anything.
I was completely detached from my life, reality, faith, and God.
我感覺自己像個幽靈。
看起來好像我只是存在過，
但是卻無力改變任何事情。
我完全脫離了自已的生活、現實、信仰和神。
GOD’S PROTECTION 神的守護
By this point, I had been moved to another part of the hospital,
and it wasn’t as nice as the ward I was in before.
With the older rooms, colder temperatures,
and unfriendly patients, my paranoia increased.
此時，我已經被移到醫院的另一個地方，
而且這裡沒有我之前住的病房那麼好。
房間比較舊，溫度比較冷，
還有不友善的病人，我的妄想症加重了。
I thought of ending my life many times,
because the suffering was just too unbearable.
I tried to hurt myself on multiple occasions.
I would scratch until I bled or tie rubber bands or towels around my neck.
I even ran out to the sidewalk and tried to throw myself into oncoming traffic.
曾經有多次，想要結束自己的性命，
因為這種痛苦實在是太難以忍受了。
我有很多次想要傷害自己。
我會抓傷直到流血，或是綁橡皮筋或毛巾在脖子上。
我甚至會跑到人行道上，試圖跳進迎面駛來的車流中。
I knew what I was doing
—I could see that I was harming myself physically,
but I wasn’t able to stop.
I was numb to pain and a voice inside my head told me
it would be too hard to start my life over.
我知道自已做的事，
—我可以看到自已正在傷害身體，
但我卻無法停下來。
我對疼痛感到麻痺，腦中有一個聲音告訴我，
重新去開始我的生活，實在是太難了。
I tried to understand how and why I ended up in the hospital.
I replayed and magnified all of the mistakes I had made and the sins I had committed
until I convinced myself that I deserved this punishment.
我試圖研究，自已是如何住何去到醫院的，以及為何會住院。
我會重播並放大了自已所犯下的所有錯誤和罪過，
直到我說服自己，這是我應得的懲罰。
I felt desperate, hopeless, guilty, and unworthy to even turn to God.
I no longer knew who this God I had believed in for twenty-one years was,
and I even began to doubt His existence.
I no longer remembered how to pray.
我感到絕望、沒有希望、罪惡感，甚至不配轉向神。
我已經不記得，這位自已信了二十一年的神是誰了，
我甚至開始懷疑祂的存在。
我不再記得要如何禱告。
Thoughts of hurting myself and ending my life kept recurring,
and I knew, even in that mental state,
that all of these incidents were actually spiritual battles.
I weathered those dangerous moments because God was protecting me from harm.
想要傷害自己、結束生命的想法不斷出現，
我知道，即使在那種精神狀態下，
這一此的事件，實際上都是屬靈的戰爭。
我度過了那些危險的時刻，因為那時神保護我免受傷害。
I remember my father, a truth-seeker,
telling me one day how great God was.
He reminded me that the Lord would not forsake me
and that I couldn’t give up because He loved me.
I was too lost and confused to see it then,
but looking back, I thank God that my truth-seeking father understood
how faithful God was and had faith in Him.
我記得我的父親，是一位慕道者，
有一天，他告訴我神有多麼偉大。
他提醒我，主不會拋棄我，
我不可以放棄，因為祂很愛我。
當時我很迷茫和困惑，而無法明白，
但是現在回想起來，很感謝神讓慕道的父親理解了，
神有多麼信實，要對祂有信心。
GOD’S LOVE AND GRACE 神的慈愛和恩典
Over time and after many tests,
the doctors concluded that I had Graves’ disease.
The disorder, where the thyroid is overactive, is actually quite common.
The problems I had experienced
—insomnia, anxiety, paranoia
—were symptoms caused by my thyroid producing too many hormones.
經過一段時間和很多次試驗之後，
醫生診斷我患有格雷夫茲氏病。
這種失調，是種甲狀腺亢進症，實際上很常見。
我遇到的問題，
—失眠、焦慮、妄想
—是我的甲狀腺產生過多激素(荷爾蒙)所引起的症狀。
As I improved through prayer and medication,
I was gradually allowed to leave the ward.
Depending on my behavior,
I was allowed to go out for one, two, or four hours with my parents.
Eventually, they let me stay out on an overnight pass,
and I was allowed to sleep in my own bed at home.
當我經由禱告和藥物有所改善時，
漸漸我被允許離開病房。
根據我的行為，
我得到允許和父母一起出去一，二或四個小時。
最後，他們給我過夜通行證留在外面，
我得允許在家裡睡自己的床上。
Despite my diagnosis and treatment, recovery was slow and difficult.
I remember that there were times
when I put a knife or scissors to my throat when I was at home.
儘管我進行了診斷和治療，但是復原緩慢且困難。
我記得有段時間，
當我在家時，有用刀子或剪刀抵住自已的喉嚨。
There were also a number of times
when we were returning to the hospital that I got sudden panic attacks and felt claustrophobic.
I demanded that my parents stop the car and let me out.
I even tried to open the door in the middle of traffic.
It got so bad that one parent had to sit next to me,
holding my hands down, while the other drove.
也曾有過好幾次，
當我們返回醫院時，我突然恐慌發作，並感到有幽閉恐懼症。
我要求父母停車，讓我走出去。
我甚至於開車時想要打開車門。
情況變得很糟糕，以至於要有一位家長得要陪在我旁邊，
把我的手抓下來，而另一個人則在開車。
These were trying times for my whole family,
and all we could do was pray and believe that God would help us.
When I was hospitalized,
I did not want to see anyone other than my parents.
I did not want people to know where I was or see me in that condition,
because the person in the hospital wasn’t really me.
對我全家來說，這些都是艱難的時刻，
我們所能做的，就是禱告並相信神會幫助我們。
當我送醫時，
除了父母之外，我不想見到任何人。
我不想讓人知道，我待在哪里，或讓人看到我那種情況，
因為醫院的那個人，並不是真正的我。
Nevertheless, church members visited me regularly.
Looking back, I think every other patient in the ward was jealous
because I had so many visitors each day.
They came to show their care and concern,
and seeing them reminded me of the person I used to be.
儘管如此，教會信徒還是定期來探訪我。
現在回想起來，我想病房裡的其他病人都很羨慕，
因為我每天都有很多訪客。
他們前來進行照料和表達關懷，
看到他們讓我想起了以前的自已。
They would pray for me at the end of each visit, and at first,
I couldn’t even kneel down with them.
I was too paranoid to close my eyes
and I was much too restless to kneel in one place.
On top of that, I felt ashamed and unworthy to come before God.
每次訪問結束時，他們都會為我禱告，一開始，
我甚至無法和他們一起跪下來。
我太疑心了，無法合上眼睛，
我實在太過不安了，無法跪在一處。
最重要的是，我感到很羞恥，不配來到神的面前。
Slowly but surely, after many visits,
I was able to sit still, close my eyes, and pray in tongues with them.
All of these hospital visits are a testament
to the grace and love of God manifested through the loving brothers and sisters.
慢慢的，但可以肯定的是，經過很多的訪問之後，
我能夠安靜的坐著，閉上眼睛，和他們一起用靈言禱告。
所有這些醫院的訪問，都是一種治療，
是通過愛心的弟兄姐妹所表現出來，神的慈愛和恩典。
Each day my parents would read the Bible and sing hymns with me.
They would also play hymns on a little stereo in my room.
At first, I told my parents to stop,
but they persisted.
Eventually, I was able to actually listen to and meditate on the word of God.
每天我父母都會和我一起讀聖經、唱讚美詩。
他們還會於我房間的小音響，播放讚美詩。
起初我告訴父母別這樣了
但他們卻堅持要這麼作。
最後，我能夠真的聆聽，並且默想神的話語。
I was never mad at God for what had happened to me;
instead, I was ashamed of how little faith I had during this time.
Through the visits from church members and my parents’ continual love and guidance,
I regained some hope and faith.
我從來沒有因為發生在我身上的事，而對神生氣；
相反的在這段時間裡，我為自己缺乏信心而感到羞愧。
經由教會信徒的訪問，和父母不斷的愛心和引導，
我又恢復了一些盼望和信心。
After a month in the hospital, thanks to the grace of God,
I recovered and was discharged and allowed to go home.
在醫院住了一個月之後，感謝神的恩典，
我得到康復，並且出院且獲准回家。
RELYING ON GOD 依靠神
When I returned home, I discovered just how many people were praying and fasting for me.
I thank God for everyone who interceded for me
and ask that He remember their love and prayers.
It was a very scary time,
but I believe that through these events,
everyone saw how wonderful our Lord truly is.
當我回到家時，我發現有多少人在為我禱告和禁食。
因為所有的人為我代禱，我很感謝神，
並求神記念他們的愛心和祈禱。
那是一段非常可怕的時間，
但我相信，通過這些事件，
每個人都看到我們的主有多麼奇妙。
If God had not been on my side,
it would have been a lost battle
because I barely had the will to keep fighting.
However, I held on to the remnants of my faith, and God kept me safe.
如果神沒有站在我這一邊，
這將會是一場失敗的戰鬥，
因為我幾乎沒有繼續戰鬥的意志。
然而，我堅持了自已所殘餘的信心，而神因此保佑了我的安全。
Looking back, I can see that God was always there,
carrying me through and fighting my battles for me,
even when I thought I was alone.
As it says in Deuteronomy 31:6,
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them;
for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you.
He will not leave you nor forsake you.”
回想起來，我發現神一直都在，
陪伴我度過難關，並且為我而戰，
即使我以為自已是孤獨的一人。
正如申命記 31 章 6 節所說，
“6你們當剛強壯膽，不要害怕，也不要畏懼他們，
因為耶和華─你的神和你同去。
他必不撇下你，也不丟棄你。”
I am doing very well now.
I love life, school, and all the people in my life.
I sleep, eat, and enjoy going to church even more than before.
Each time I sing hymns, pray, or wash a dish,
I thank God because He has allowed me to do these things.
我現在過得很好。
我熱愛生活，學校，我生命中的所有人。
我比以前更加喜歡睡眠、吃飯、去教會。
每次我唱讚美詩、禱告或洗碗的時候，
我會感謝神，因為祂讓我可以做這些事情。
Before I got sick, I often felt overburdened
and unable to handle my responsibilities at church.
Now, everything that used to be a chore has become an opportunity, a blessing, and a privilege.
It is so important to rely on God and cherish the opportunity to serve Him.
在我生病之前，我經常感到負擔沉重，
在教會無法處理自已的責任。
一切曾經是煩瑣的事情，如今都變成了機會、祝福和特殊權利。
依靠神並且珍惜事奉神的機會是非常重要的。
I have learned many lessons through this experience
and am certain that I will continue to learn and grow in Christ.
I now see that each day comes with
happiness, sadness, trials, tribulations, triumphs,
blessings, chastisements, peace, and trouble.
通過這次經歷，我學到很多課程，
我確信，自已會繼續在基督裡學習和成長。
現在我發現每一天都伴隨著，
幸福、悲傷、考驗、磨難、勝利、
祝福、管教、平安和困難。
As it says in Psalm 40:1, 2:
就如詩篇 40 篇 1，2 節所言：
I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
1我曾耐性等候耶和華；
他垂聽我的呼求。
2他從禍坑裡，
從淤泥中，把我拉上來，
使我的腳立在磐石上，
使我腳步穩當。
If we are never put in the dark,
never fall into the slimy pit,
never face any trouble
—then how can we see the beauty and wonder of His glorious light?
How can He lift us up and set our feet upon a Rock?
How can He be our wonderful Savior?
如果我們從未處於黑暗之中，
從未掉進泥濘的坑洞，
從未遇到任何麻煩
—那麼我們怎麼會看到祂榮光的美麗和奇妙呢？
祂怎能高舉我們，使我們的腳站在磐石上呢？
祂怎麼能夠成為我們奇妙的救主呢？
Being a Christian does not mean that we won’t face any troubles
and that our lives will always be smooth.
Being a Christian means that when you are in a crisis,
there will be a Rock for you to lean on
and a throng of supporters helping to pull you out of the pit.
成為基督徒並不是代表，我們就不會遇到任何困難，
而我們的生活將永遠一帆風順。
成為一名基督徒，代表當你處於危險時，
終會有一塊磐石讓你依靠，
以及有一群支持者幫助你脫離困境。
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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