Manna issue 77 Lost to Worldly Ideals 迷失於世上的想法
A sister learns to rely on God. 教會姐妹學會依靠神
Elizabeth Yao—Nanjing, China 中國南京 Elizabeth Yao 見証
I was baptized into the True Jesus
Church (TJC) at Queens, New York,
on August 23, 2003 when I was
seventeen. During the following
seven years, I attended the National
Youth Theological Seminar only
twice and went to Sabbath services
irregularly. There were many reasons
for this, some of which, but not all,
were beyond my control.
當我17歲的時候，在2003年八月23日，我在紐約皇后區，受洗歸入真耶穌教會。
在接下來的七年裡，我只有二次參加全國青年神學訓練班，並且不規則地的參加安息日聚會。
會這樣是有很多原因的，其中有一些原因，雖然不是全部原因，是我不能控制的原因。
My parents were baptized around
the same time as I and, as new
believers, we did not make spiritually driven
decisions. I chose to go to a
college with no church nearby, and my
belief system eventually degenerated
into one consisting solely of worldly
ideals. At that time, I did not know
that I was in the world, when I should
have been in Christ. In fact, I knew
nothing about what it meant to live
for God, and how amazing such a life
could be.
我的父母和我大約在同樣的時間受洗，身為新信徒，我們並沒有因為靈性生長的原故來作任何決定。
我選擇了一個沒有教會在附件的大學去讀書，我心中的信仰程度，最後退化成以世上各種思想為主而組合而成的想法。
在那時候，我並不知道我是為了世界而活，而那時我應該要為了基督而活。
事實上，我一點也不知道，什麼是為主而活的意義，也不了解為主而活的生活，將會是如何的美好和奇妙。
My prayers reflected my weak
spirituality. I would pray only when I
needed something from God. When
He answered me, I would be very
thankful, but would later forget all
the things I had promised Him in
prayer. And when life became empty
and unbearable, because I stubbornly
followed my own will, I would once
more kneel down and unashamedly
say: “God, I can’t take this anymore.
I give up!” Then, unanswered prayers
would drive me once again to seek
solace in other places.
我的禱告反應了我軟弱的靈性。
只有當我需要求神某些事情的時候，我才會禱告。
當祂回應了我，我就會很感謝，但是後來就會忘記，我在禱告中已經答應神的一切事情。
當生活變得很空虛，以及無法忍受的時候，因為我很頑固地堅守我自已的意願，
我會再一次跪下來，毫不羞恥的向神說："神啊，我再也受不了。我要放棄！"
然後，若是禱告得不到神的回應，就會讓我再一次去其他的地方去尋求慰藉。
There were times when I tried to
reconnect with God and improve in
faith, but I felt a huge divide between
myself and other church members. I
felt that somehow they met the secret
“standard” that meant God would
always be there for them; I was not
part of that world, and I doubted if
God even still loved me.
有好幾次當我試著和神再一次連接起來的時候，並且強化了信心，
但是我卻感覺到自已和其他教會的信徒，有一個很大的差異。
我感覺，不知怎麼回事，他們完全符合秘密的"標準"，也就是說，神總是隨時隨地幫助他們；
我並不是屬於那個世界的一部份，並且我會懷疑，是不是神還是仍然愛我呢！
MENTAL AND PHYSICAL TURMOIL 心理和肉體上的折磨
In June 2011, I was in New York
preparing for summer classes. By
then, my life was devoid of God and
I was at my lowest spiritual ebb. My
lifestyle was spiritually unhealthy
although daily life went on as normal.
Then, one day, out of the blue, an area
of my lower back started to hurt. The
pain increased daily and would shoot
down the nerves of my legs whenever
I moved. I worried that I might
eventually lose the ability to walk.
Two weeks later, I rang my parents in
China. Since I had no health insurance
and no one to take care of me, I had
to drop everything and go home.
在 2011年六月的時候，我正在紐約準備暑期課程。
那個時候，我的生活裡面完全沒有神的存在，並且也是我靈性上最低的時刻。
我的生活方式就是對靈命完全不健康的，雖然每天的生活一直過的很平常。
然後有一天，突然間，我下背部的一個部位開始疼痛。
每天這個疼痛都會增加，當我要走路的時候，會痛到好像關閉我雙腳上的神經一樣。
我很擔心，到最後我可能會失去行走的能力。
二個禮拜之後，我打電話給大陸的父母。
因為我沒有健康保險，也沒有人可以照顧我，我要放棄一切，回家去。
Back in Nanjing, China, I visited
countless doctors in at least three
different hospitals. For the first
three months, I underwent medical
examinations, misdiagnoses, injections
of strong antibiotics, and endured
many painful, sleepless nights. The
intense pain rendered me immobile.
And my condition remained
undiagnosed.
回到中國南京，我看了無數個醫生，至少也跑了三個不同的醫院。
最初的前三個月，我經過了醫療檢查，誤診，注射了強烈的抗生素，忍受許多痛苦和失眠的夜晚。
這強烈的疼痛讓我無法行走。
而我的病症還是找不出原因。
As weeks turned to months, I was
engulfed by mental turmoil and often
burst into tears at the smallest things.
Although initially concerned, even
my parents began to think that the
pain and everything else was purely
imaginary. To them, I was just idling
away at home and moping.
隨著日子一周一周，一個月一個月的過去了，我被心理上的折磨我淹沒，
常常就因為小小的事情，就放聲大哭。
雖然一開始很受關心，到最後甚至我的父母開始認為，這個疼痛和其他的事情都不過是想像出來的。
對他們而言，我只不過是閒懶在家，整天憂憂愁愁。
I did turn to God, but in prayer, I
struggled with anger, doubt, sadness,
fear, and aimless questioning. I was
remorseful over my past, and begged
God for spiritual and physical healing.
But I wanted God to grant me these
immediately; I did not want to put in
too much effort. Not surprisingly, my
prayers were unheeded.
我有回頭找神，但是只在禱告的時候，因為我在憤怒，懷疑，傷時，恐懼以及毫無目標的質疑之中，掙扎著。
我對於過去感到非常的懊悔，祈求神讓我得到心靈和肉體上的醫治。
但是我卻希望神可以立刻回應我這些需求；
我卻不願意付出更多的努力。
令人不意外的，當然我的禱告不會被垂聽。
SELF-EXAMINATION IN PRAYER 禱告中的自我檢查
With no other option left, I continued
to pray. I recalled the time when I
received the Holy Spirit, and the times
I was most fervent in faith. Deeply
examining my heart and humbling
myself led to true repentance. I
acknowledged my past mistakes
and shortcomings, and accepted the
consequences of my actions. This
experience, I realized, was not only
God’s firm reminder to turn from my
former ways, but also a sign of how
far from Him I had become. I felt
this urge to throw out all my sins,
like waste to be disposed of. Hence,
instead of just demanding healing,
my prayers became: “Help me God
to learn from my past, and teach me
how to change. I understand there is
a reason for my pain. Please give me
strength in my heart to know how to
pray. Keep me one more day.”
因為沒有其他任可的選擇，我就只好繼續禱告。
我記得當初我得到聖靈的時候，那是我在信仰上最熱心的時候。
深深地檢查了自已的內心之後，並且謙卑自已，最後導致了真正的悔改。
我承認了過去的錯誤和軟弱，並且接受了以前行為所帶來的後果。
這個經驗，讓我了解到，不只是神嚴厲的提醒，讓我從以前的路上回轉過來，
而且也是我已經離神有多遠的一個記號。
我感到有這種衝動，要丟棄我所有的罪惡，就好像要拋棄垃圾一樣。
因此，我沒有只是要求得到醫治，我的禱告就改變成：
"神阿，請幫助我過去的事情學會你的旨意，教導我如何改變我自已。
我知道現在的痛苦，一定有一些原因存在。
但請給我內心有力量，並且知道要如何去禱告。
請給我多保存一天的生命。"
With every prayer, I felt renewed.
Attending church at Nanjing TJC
more regularly also helped to
entrench God’s word in my heart.
As God’s strength flowed into me, I
felt strengthened and more willing to
yield my will to Him. As God urges:
隨著一次次的禱告，我感覺逐漸的更新。
比平常更加規律地去南京的真耶穌教會參加聚會，也幫助我把神的話更加牢固的放在心中。
當神的力量流進了我的身體，我感到更有力量了，並且更加願意順服自已的意志給神。
“Cast away from you all the
transgressions which you have
committed, and get yourselves a
new heart and a new spirit. For why
should you die, O house of Israel?
For I have no pleasure in the death
of one who dies, .... Therefore turn
and live!” (Ezek 18:31–32)
31你們要將所犯的一切罪過盡行拋棄，自做一個新心和新靈。以色列家啊，你們何必死亡呢？
32主耶和華說：我不喜悅那死人之死，所以你們當回頭而存活。
(結 18：31-32)
BREAKTHROUGH 突破
The more I allowed God’s Spirit to
strengthen me, the more I was able
to empty myself of past wrongdoing.
The less I focused on myself and selfish
wants, the closer to Him I felt. I knew
I needed His strength to overcome
my fear at the thought that my back
might never be healed.
我讓神的靈越加添我的力量，我就更可以謙卑自已，除去過去的惡行。
我越少想到自已的事和自私的慾望，我就感覺更加親近神。
我知道，我需要祂的力量來克服我的恐懼，因為我有想過，我的背痛或許永遠不會被治好，所以很害怕。
This process of self-examination
forced me to consider important
questions such as whether I would
be tempted to leave God if He did
not heal me. I reflected on my life
since baptism. I thought about the
things in my life that I had held dear,
believing that these would bring me
happiness, and I realized that I had
been looking in all the wrong places.
At that moment, all the bling and
glamour that Satan had used to adorn
the fleeting pleasures of this world
suddenly turned to dust. As God’s
Spirit shone His truth into my heart, I
knew that I needed God in my life no
matter what happened.
這個自我檢查的過程，強迫我去思考一些重要的問題，例如，
若是祂沒有治好我的病，我是不是就會被引誘去離開神。
我就想到自從受洗之後，過去生活的情形。
我想到一些有關，過去我在生活中所重視的一些事情，
相信這些事情會讓我更加幸福，最後我終於明白，一直以來我都看到一切錯誤的地方去了。
在那時候，撒旦過去常常用一些閃閃發亮的東西，或是看起來很榮美的事物，來讓人感到增加了短暫世上的快樂，一切在突然間，我就感覺到他們變成了塵土。
當神的靈用祂的真理照亮了我的內心，我就知道，我需要神住在我的內心，無論以後會發生什麼事。
Understanding this led to new
breakthroughs in the way I prayed
and perceived my life. The power
that helped me do this was not of this
world or myself. God was giving me a
step-by-step tutorial of what it meant
to rely on Him. God’s Spirit dwelling
within us, strengthening our inner
man, is powerful beyond measure
(Eph 3:16). God’s power and truth
work inside us through His words.
The more we draw on the Spirit, the
more we can cast aside our burdens,
weaknesses, and fears.
能夠明白這一點，我就在禱告之中有了新的突破，並且對生活有新的看法。
幫助後能夠這麼作的力量，就不是來自於這個世界，或是我自已。
神給我一個，一步接著一步的教導，讓我明白，依靠神到底是什麼意思和意義。
神的靈和我們同住，加添我們內心的力量，是比任何事情更有力量的。(弗 3：16)
神的力量和真量，透過祂的話，在我們內心作工。
我們越多使用聖靈的力量，我們就更可以卸下自已的重擔，軟弱和恐懼。
As God’s Spirit moved me, I
learned to be more God-centric and
less egocentric in prayer. I sought
His will. I became more patient and
longsuffering, characteristics many
would not associate with me. There
were still days when I felt hopeless—
when I would kneel down to pray
many times, but could not find a
position that was without pain. This
made me aware of human frailty in a
way that I had never known before,
and reminded me about putting God’s
will above mine.
當神的靈感動了我，我學會了更加以神為中心而活，在禱告中更少以自我為中心。
我尋求祂的旨意。
我變得更有耐心，並且可以更長久忍受痛苦，也改變了過去許多人都不願意和我結交的性格。
不過仍然有些時候，當我覺得非常無助的時候 -
我就有很多次，會跪下來禱告，但卻仍然全身找不到一個不會疼痛的地方。
這就讓我了解到人類的軟弱，到了一種我過去曾未了解過的一個地步，並且提醒我，要把神的旨意放在自已的意思之前。
UNDERSTANDING HIS WILL 明白祂的旨意
One day, a family member suggested
that I get a bone scan. Up until that
point, only my internal organs had
been examined. A full-body MRI scan,
revealed a herniated disk in my spine.
This was bad news, but my heart was
bursting to praise God. When I arrived
home, I knelt before the Lord and
poured out my gratitude. The three
months I spent waiting and learning
to trust Him were affirmed by this
sign that He had heard me; He was
guiding me to a deeper relationship
with Him, to understand His will, and
to fear His almighty power.
有一個，其中一個家人建議我去作骨頭掃描。
直到那一刻，我只作內部器官的檢查而已。
全身核磁共振掃描，脊椎有椎間盤突出。
這是一個很壞的消息，但是我的內心卻發出讚美神的聲音。
當我到家的時候，我在神面前跪下來，傾倒出自已內心的感激。
我用了三個月來等候祂，學習依靠祂，被這個訊息再度証實，他已經聽了我的禱告；
祂引導我進入一個與祂更深的關係，去明白祂的旨意，去敬畏祂全能的力量。
Identifying the problem with my
back allowed me to start looking
for interventions. Though still eager
to return to a normal life, I was not
anxious anymore. God had taught me
through those three months how to
trust in His strength and love, how to
patiently pray and wait for His will to
be done, and also, how to be thankful.
In fact, the healing that was occurring
in my inner man, the transformation
of my heart, had started prior to any
obvious sign of hope. As Paul said:
一旦認清了我背部的問題，讓我可以開始尋找一些可用的處置方法。
雖然仍然很想要馬上就回歸正常的生活，但我一點也不再焦躁和憂慮。
神透過這三個月的時間，已經教會了我，如何依靠祂的力量和慈愛，如何有耐心的禱告，等候祂的旨意來成全，而且也學會如何去感謝神。
事實上，這個治療是發生在我身體的內部，就是我自已內心的轉變，並且早就已經開始了，在任何可見有希望的跡象發生之前。
就如保羅所說：
But we have this treasure in earthen
vessels, that the excellence of the
power may be of God and not of us.
We are hard-pressed on every side,
yet not crushed; we are perplexed,
but not in despair; persecuted, but
not forsaken; struck down, but not
destroyed. (2 Cor 4:7–9)
7我們有這寶貝放在瓦器裡，要顯明這莫大的能力是出於神，不是出於我們。
8我們四面受敵，卻不被困住；心裡作難，卻不至失望；
9遭逼迫，卻不被丟棄；打倒了，卻不至死亡。
(林後 4：7-9)
LIVING BY GOD’S STRENGTH AND DIRECTION 依靠神的力量和指引而活
In mid-September 2011, I started
acupuncture, which had to be carried
out over a month or more in order to
be effective. It is an enduring source
of wonder to me how I survived those
days. Acupuncture dulled the pain,
enabling me to walk and be functional
in daily life, which was important as I
started work as a teacher. However,
pain, though less intense, was a
constant companion. Moreover,
thrice a week, my father would
shuttle me to the acupuncturist, who
would prick needles into my body
and pass an electric current through
them. I dreaded these sessions. Only
that complete reliance on God got me
through this period.
在2011年九月中的時候，我開始治療，為了能有療效，需要以針灸治療約一個多月。
對我而言，我如何撐過這些日子，就是一個又長又久神蹟的來源。
針灸麻痺了我的疼痛，讓我可以走路，並且在每天的生活可以自已照顧自已，
這對我說是很重要的，因為我開始工作，成為一個老師。
然而，疼痛，雖然比較不嚴重，卻一直以來都跟隨著我。
不只如此，我的父親需要來接送我去作針灸治療一個禮拜三次，
他們會用很多的針刺入我的身體，並透過針來用電流治療。
我很害怕這些療程。
只有完全依靠神，才讓我可以渡過這個時期。
In late December, my parents took
me to see a doctor in Changzhou,
three hours away from my home
town. This doctor was known to
have “cured” many other patients
suffering from herniated disk
problems with his special methods
which involved injecting nutrition into
the spine, medical massages, manual
chiropractic treatment, as well as daily
exercises.
在12月底的時候，父母帶我去常州看醫生，這個的旅程需要從家鄉坐車3個小時。
這個醫生非常知名，因為他治好了許多其他同樣椎間盤突出問題而受苦的病人，
他用自已特別的方法，包括了注射營養品到脊椎，醫療式的按摩，手動式按摩脊椎療法，以及許多每天的運動。
At first, the pain increased because
the treatment reactivated the
nerves in my back that had been
numbed by acupuncture. But once
the treatments were complete, the
doctor pronounced my back cured.
He qualified that it would take at least
one to three years for it to fully heal
and advised me not to travel by air for
at least a year.
一開始，疼痛增加了，因為這個治療活化了我背部的神經，而這些神經過去已經被針灸麻痺了。
但是一旦作完了療程，醫生就宣佈我的治療完成了。
他這麼說明，需要最少一年到三年的時間，讓我自已的背部自已達到完全的治療，
並且勸告我，最少要一年不要作飛機去旅行。
I was really thankful and directed
all my lingering worries into prayers.
Though healing would take time and
back pain remained, I had learned
how to trust that God’s will would be
shown according to His time.
我真的覺得很感謝，並且把所有揮之不去的憂慮交託在禱告之中。
雖然治療還需要花一些時間，而且也仍然有背痛，
我已經學會如何信靠，因為神的旨意會根據祂的時機來顯明。
COMPLETE RELIANCE 完全的交託
Once my teaching assignment had
ended, I started planning my possible
return to college in New York in the
spring. My level of trust in God led
me to do something that most people
would consider foolhardy. The college
semester would be starting at the end
of January 2012 and I did not want
to remain idle in Nanjing. I felt that
if God was with me, there was no
reason to put my life on hold because
of fear or human logic. However, I did
not want to tempt God by defying
medical advice either so I prayed a
lot about this. Something in my heart
told me to ignore the doctor and trust
God.
當我的教職結束之後，我開始計劃在春天的時候，可能可以回到紐約到大學去完成學業。
我自已信靠神的程度，讓我作一些大部份的人都認為是有勇無謀的事情。
大學學期會在2012年1月底開始，而且我不想在南京繼續閒懶下去。
我覺得，若是神與我同在，就不會因為自已有恐懼，和個人思考的邏輯，成為一種理由讓我的生命繼續暫停下去。
然而，我也不想要因為藐視醫療建議的原故，而變成在試探神，所以為了這件事，我作了很多禱告。
似乎在我的心中有話告訴我，忽略醫生的話，只要信靠神。
I thus took a flight to New York.
I had been forewarned that the
pressure changes during takeoff could
cause my herniated disk to pop out
again. My back was painfully sore
for the entire flight and continued to
hurt even after a night’s rest back in
New York. So I prayed and told God:
“I love You so much. I have learned a
great deal in these recent months and
am so thankful for Your guidance,
grace, and strength. You have led me
and kept me until today. Here I am. I
trust You completely. I am here alone
and will be for the rest of the school
year—I don’t know if I can handle a
flight back, or if my disk would be
herniated again. I have only You, and
You are powerful beyond measure.
I know you can heal me if You are
willing, but if it’s not Your will, I will
accept it. Because no matter what, I
will follow You all the days of my life,
as long as You are with me always.”
因此我坐飛機到紐約去。
我被事先警告，在飛機起飛時的壓力變化，可能會導致我突出的椎間盤，再次突出引起病變。
在整個飛行航行中，我的背部又痛又酸，即使回到了紐約，經過一夜的休息之後，還是繼續再痛。
所以我就禱告，並且告訴神說：
"我非常愛你。在最近的這幾個月之內，我已經學到了很多東西，並且非常感謝你的帶領，恩典和力量。
你一直帶領著我，保守我直到今日。我在這裡。我會完全信靠你。
我一個人獨自在紐約，並且在接下來的學校生活的一年裡也將會是一樣 - 我不知道，我是否可以忍受飛回去的行程，或是我的椎間盤會再次病變而突出。
我只有你可以依靠，你非常有能力，且無可限量。
我知道若你願意的話，你可以治好我，但是卻這不是你的旨意，我也會接受。
因為無論任何事情，我在所有生活的日子中，都會跟從你，只要你一直跟我同在。
That following Saturday, I prayed
before I left to attend Sabbath service
at Brooklyn Prayer House. I cannot
quite explain why but I just had a
strong feeling that God would heal
me as soon as I got there. During the
20-minute cab ride, my back ached,
but I felt an indescribable peace. And
the moment I stepped inside the place
of worship, the pain disappeared. I
knelt down, and at this point, I knew
how to pray. I cried. I thanked God.
It was the joyful prayer of someone
who had been healed physically. But,
all the more, one in which I felt my
soul had been completely revived by
God’s awesome grace.
接下來的安息日，在我離開去參加布魯克林祈禱所安息日聚去之前，我就作了禱告。
我實在是不能解釋為什麼，但是我就有一種很強烈的感覺，神會治好我，只要我到那裡去。
在20分鐘的車程中，我的背又痛了，但我卻感覺到一種無法描述的平安。
就在我踏入禮拜的地方時，我的背痛就消失了。
我跪下來，就在這個時候，我突然知道怎麼去禱告。
我大哭。我感謝神。
這是一個人，他已經得到肉體上的醫治，感覺非常快樂而有的禱告。
但是，不只如此，其中我感覺到我的靈魂，已經完全被神奇妙的恩典，再次注入活力。
BACK INTO THE FATHER’S ARMS 回到父親的懷抱
In the past four years I have witnessed
how God used that point in my life as
the beginning of my spiritual journey
back to Him. It has been a struggle
at times, but whenever I despaired
or doubted, whenever I felt lost
with no way back, the strength and
perseverance I gained during that six
months have been critical in helping
me resist the tide of my former life.
He has always led me back to His
embrace.
在過去四年，我見証了神如何用我生命中的那個時刻，成為我屬靈旅程的開端，讓我回到祂身邊。
無論什麼時候，這段時間都另我很掙扎，但是不論什麼時候，只要我失望或疑惑的時候，
無論什麼時候，我感到沒有回家的路而迷失的時候，我在這六個月，所得到的力量和毅力是非常重要的，
可以幫助我抵抗之前生活方式的潮流。
祂總是領我回到祂的擁抱之中。
Back in 2011, I was a blind prodigal
child who hoped to crawl back home
to her Father’s house. God did not
stand aloof but was there for me
every step along the rocky path. He
showed me that:
在2011年的時候，我是一個瞎了眼的浪子，希望可以爬回父親房子的家中。
神並沒有站著冷冷的看著我，而是在這崎嶇的路上的每一步，都和我同在。
祂告訴我：
For our light affliction, which is but
for a moment, is working for us a far
more exceeding and eternal weight
of glory, while we do not look at
the things which are seen, but at the
things which are not seen. For the
things which are seen are temporary,
but the things which are not seen are
eternal. (2 Cor 4:17–18)
17我們這至暫至輕的苦楚，要為我們成就極重無比、永遠的榮耀。
18原來我們不是顧念所見的，乃是顧念所不見的；因為所見的是暫時的，所不見的是永遠的。
(林後 4：17-18)
I now have a hope that transcends
worldly suffering, and I know for
certain that He has watched, and will
always watch over me. Amen.
現在我有一個盼望，可以超過世上的痛苦，並且我很確定的知道，
祂一直都有在觀察留心，並且總會一看顧我。阿們。
小頁 markvmax@hotmail.com
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